Dedicated: Mommy

Life has me thinking, and this is what i wrote.

 

          I remember the first time I told my mother I hated her. What I really meant at the time or so I thought was that I was mad at her for making me do something I didn’t want to do. Yet, now I realize, although hate is too strong of a word to use to describe my mixed feeling towards my mother, I do in a sense hold some kind of resentment towards her. Don’t get me wrong, I love my mother, but you can love and resent someone at the same time. I’ve always resented the fact that I’ve never (in my eyes) have had a real childhood. I’ve lived around kids, who have known kids all their lives while I on the other hand had to make new friends ever three or four years. After a while I started to feel like an outcast. Many people would start to say I became anti social. My life resolved around the books that I borrowed from my school library.

          I was in the fifth grade when I became an avid reader, and because I read so much, I started being teased. Everyone knows that kids can be cruel and it would’ve been okay if it had been just one or two kids. But, it wasn’t just by a few nine and ten year olds in my class; it was actually pretty much my whole class. That whole year I had only one friend and she moved away. I was left to fend for myself, and when that became too much I moved away from South Weymouth, Massachusetts to South Hill, Virginia aka the middle of nowhere.  Now somewhere between the fifth and the six grades I began to use my anger in more creative ways, poetry and writing short stories. I made a few friends and in the seventh grade I met my best friend.

           Yet good things do not always last, and I was forced to move away from South Hill, Virginia to Virginia Beach, Virginia. At first it wasn’t such a bad thing, Virginia Beach held way more opportunities and activities. I was also under the false allusion that I would be going to nana’s house a lot because she was only two and a half hours away. I met four people that I could call friends at the time, and I also started going through a phase. My freshmen year of high school I wasn’t a problem. I got good grades, stayed out of trouble and tried to be a good daughter. My sophomore year I don’t know what it was but something changed. Maybe it was because of a bad influence that came in the form of a boyfriend. Or maybe it was something that was bound to happen sooner or later. My grades began to slips slowly but surely and my relationship status wasn’t much better. The only two people I felt that I could turn to in my time of need were my Best friend Braxton, and my Best Friend Amber.

                I remember my mom was lecturing me about my grades and hence the first time I said those three words, “I hate you.”

                Now I know it must have been painful for my mother to hear, but at that particular moment I didn’t care. I wanted her to hurt. I wanted her to feel my pain. Understand I felt about all those years we spent moving around a lot, having to start over and make new friends etc. The next year things didn’t get much better. The boyfriend who introduced me to trouble had been pushed to the curb at the middle of my sophomore year and I moved on to someone who I felt cared about me, Jonathon aka Blu3. He got me at the time and he listened to me and gave me advice. Just as much as I believed in him, he believed in me. I was in love. My parents hated his guts. That year I spent most of my time on punishment sneaking phone calls and letters. As my relationship with Blu3 grew, my relationship with my parents slowly shattered. We argued more, I got in trouble more. They started to trust me less and less, and finally I started to give them reasons not to trust me.

         By the end of my junior year I slowly started to try to reconnect with my parents and being the loving parents they are, they invited me back with welcome arms. My senior was great other than my seniorities and the worry that I wasn’t going to graduate because I wasn’t focused on school like I should have been. I started dating an ex that my parents had actually liked (we dated one of the times me and Jonathon broke up). Even though ALL of my friends warned me against it, due to the reason me and him had broke up in the first place. I didn’t listen, and even though he ended up playing me again, I introduced myself to Jason, my current boyfriend.

         My mom loves me doesn’t want to see me get hurt and for the past four years of my life I have been trying to tell them they can’t hold my hand through everything. I wanted to tell her I’m miserable here, now that I’ve moved. That I want to go back to Virginia and be on my own. She wishes she were here to guide me (she’s in Vietnam). But I want her to see that she’s done a good job so far and that if I need guidance she’s the first person I would write to or talk about it with. I love my mother, yes I resent the fact that she and my dad have not always been in my life. I know that it’s only because they wanted to provide me with a life they as children never had. It hurts me sometimes because I feel like I’m a disappointment. It hurts me that they worry about me all the time. It hurts me to think of all the times I’ve told them I hated them when I’ve felt just the opposite. I love them. I love her. My mother is the one of the few people in the world I know I can turn to, and she’ll always welcome me with a big heart. People ask me what’s the one thing I regret in my life. Well the answer is, telling anyone I love, especially my mom, that I hate them.

Author's Note

tell me what you think. If you see any typos..point them out please

Reviews

[Angel's Lady]

I think this is a wonderful piece to write for your mom. I was very touched by it, the truth and honesty you put into it, the real emotion that seems to drip from your words.

From a parent's point of view, this job is not easy. For one thing, you have never done it before. Think about the hardest thing you know and imagine doing it for the first time, without instructions. You have never been this age and you have no idea what is the BEST thing to do for your kids, but you try. You spend a lot of sleepless nights, wondering if you got it right, wondering if they will get it right, wondering if IT will be alright, because it HAS to be alright! Everyone's depending on you! They're looking to you for answers, and you're bluffing (cause you got no answers), you're totally winging it but you can't let that show. You have to appear strong (when you just want to cry), you have to look like you know what you're doing (when you don't have a clue), and you have to do all this while you work, cook, clean, wash, drive, live, and still pretend you have enough energy to be a woman and a wife. Being a mom means being underpaid, underloved, and under seige most of the time. And the only three words that ever make it alright are not I love you (for that's a given), but Thank you, Mom. Because, from the moment your eyes open until they close again, what you want most is to know what you do is appreciated. I'm through now.

Since you asked:
"I've never (in my eyes) have had" -- take out have.
"resolved" -- revolved
"allusion" -- illusion
You could've used a few commas, but I'm a comma freak and it ain't the end of the world.
Enjoy your parents, while you still have parents, because most likely, in all probability, you will outlive them.

[Chicagolights]

Hi, you know I really, really enjoyed what you wrote. It's so easy to blame our parents for our own misery sometimes isn't it? I know that for me, I reacted a lot like you to my parents. My parents, had an authoratrian way about them..meaning they would tell me do do as they say..and there was no room for negotiation.

You are a very talented writer. I like your style because you are descriptive..but not overly decriptive to where your meaning and point are lost in too many words. I recently read an excellent book for one of my psychology classes called..Odd Girl Out. Its about how young girls can be more vicious than men and how girls can destroy each other from the inside out. I'm going to add you as a friend because I really like your style. I'll try to check out more of your work when I can.

Frank