The Desperate Writer

A Story by Ellen Randall

Unrequited love, frustration and writing. Amelia and Salton have found themselves in a complicated relationship after a one night of drunken lust. My first published story. Mind the angst.

- 1 -

Scrawling every word in mind, describing the scene she had dreamt. Her heart was beating and her breath racing. Her eyes widened as her hand slid from her oily forehead and her fingers began to run through her hair. She had to be quick, the images were slowly fading and her perfect scene started to fall apart. Her face drew closer, to a point where her frames touched the page and she was breathing in the smell of pen and paper. Quickly desperately, she scribbled marks that no longer looked like words. Suddenly, the image escaped her. The thought had flown away with every other wispy dream, and in her frustration she threw her pen across the room and closed her notebook. It was gone. She leant back in her chair and threw her glasses to her desk as she did. Salt walked in to see the pure irritation on her face. This was the fourth consecutive morning he had found her this way. What was she trying to achieve?

He sighed and walked into the kitchen. After a moment of slow, deep breathing she glanced over to the kitchen to see two mugs, two tea bags and one Salt in the kitchen. She forced herself out of the chair only then slump into the dinning room one. She placed her sock wrapped feet on the table and slid back into the chair. Salt placed the mug at her feet rolling his eyes, he didn’t approve of her habits. She moved her feet to the ground and stared at the floral-patterned mug. Steam slowly wafted from the cup as she cuddled it in her hands and waited for it to cool. Salt sat himself at the other end of the table.

“What were you writing about?” Salt asked looking straight into her eyes, she avoided his look but not his question.
“A dream.” She answered quickly.
“What did you dream about?” He sipped from his mug.
“Dreams are collage of personal memories, ideas, wishes and nightmares. They are unique and created for one person alone, the only dream to share is a dream come true and mine never do so why should I share it?” She blurted out starring at the table cloth, “Besides its gone now slipped away…”
“Why were you writing it down?”
“In a feeble attempt to remember it.”
“Hmph. Well you never allow me to read what you write,” Salt sulked.
“It hasn’t stopped you peeking,” She said as she sipped her tea, it had finally cooled.
Salt was stunned for a moment but then relaxed his shoulders and slouched in his chair, he smiled to himself.
“You write such great adventures.” He said looking down at his tea.
She looked up at him.
“They are so easy to get lost in.” He looked up at her.
She smiled and said, “Thank you.”
“But… Don’t you think its possible to have an adventure in the real world?”
She froze, she could feel something burning under skin and she could hear her heart beat.
“No,” she said and she quickly looked down at her hands, “Of course not.”
“You could have an adventure with me.” He said wishfully.
“We slept together once Salton. Stop making things complicated.”

She couldn’t handle being in the same room. Standing abruptly and walked away as fast as she could without running. Salt stayed behind, with his heart shattered on the floor.

- 2 -

Avoiding someone you live with can be somewhat difficult, although Salton made it easy for her by doing the same thing. Only a few awkward encounters occurred that morning when she tried to make a dash for the shower when he was already in there brushing his teeth, and another when her stomach growled for food and he was standing in the kitchen making lunch. Her hunger over whelmed her initial desire to run away, she quietly and swiftly went for the fridge door, and she grabbed a 50ml tub of strawberry yogurt from the top shelf and a spoon from the draw before disappearing again.
They didn’t want to live this way; they didn’t want to complicate things. She hated the fact that he kept bringing it up, and she hated the fact that she never wanted to talk about it. One night of drunken lust made life unbearable in their small apartment. She sat on the end of her bed staring at her reflection in the mirror, all she could see was a desperate young woman who could feel the bags under her eyes sagging and her heart racing with anxiety. The mirror could only see a girl. Young small girl, large green eyes hidden behind her circle framed glasses and golden blonde hair. She could see a girl ready for work in her ironed shirt, styled hair, cheap make up on with a blank face. She tried to fake a smile, showing her teeth. But as soon as she saw her large front teeth she hid them away again, embarrassed. “How could he ever love me?”

She didn’t like the idea of coming back from an afternoons work to find an emotional entanglement in her home. She wanted to repair some of the damage, or at least sweep it under a rug until she knew how to fix it. She stood up and grabbed her handbag as she walked into the hallway. She walked into the main area and saw Salt hunched over his laptop, finishing his last essay for the semester on a word document. His black wavy hair gentle brushed on his shoulders as he hunched over his keyboard, the light from his screen shone straight into is dark brown eyes. He scrunched up nose as he worked, they way she had always adored. She thought he was beautiful. Realise she was staring she shook her head quickly and her body stiffened.
She cleared her throat, “I’m leaving for work, I’ll be home around 9pm.” She ended with a smile.
Not looking away from his laptop he asked, “Do you want pasta for dinner?”
Surprised she answered, “Uh I was just gunna get take away or something.”
Salt, “Are you sure?” He looked up into her eyes and she quickly looked down, she was too cowardly, “Because I have enough for two.”
Quickly she answered, “No,” she looked up at him and sighed, “It’s fine don’t go to any trouble for me.” She started heading to the front door when Salt called out.
“I really don’t mind.”
She stopped and her compulsion to over react kicked in, she turned around and went back to the hallway door, “ Well I do. It’s fine I don’t need you to look after me, I’m a grown woman.”
Salt, “I am not-“
She interrupted, “Don’t be all ‘Mr. Nice Guy’ cos I see right through your bullshit.” She turned to leave and when she reached the door when her last words finally processed.
“D****t.” She said to herself. She walked back to the hallway door.
“I’m sorry,” she said meekly. She turned to leave and then turned back again, “What kind of pasta?”

Salton answered plainly, “Bows with tomato sauce.”
“Yes I will have some pasta.”
The two stared at each other for a moment.
She added, “ Please.”
He replied with a smile, “Yes of course.”
She smiled back and then looked at her feet.
Salt, “Have a good time at work.”
She laughed a little and said jokingly, “I’ll try to, can’t make any promises.”
He laughed a little out of kindness, the ‘joke’ was a weak attempt but it was enough to lift the tension.
She slipped away and out the front door.
Salt’s look turned from the door to her desk and the first thing he saw was her notebook. She usually locked it in her draw but it was still out…

- 3 -

Golden artificial lighting filled the apartment, and the blinds and curtains had been draw. The smell of cooked mince and the sound of boiling water crackling filled the kitchen with a homey delight. Salt stood over the electric fry pan adding onion, tomato and pasta sauce to the dish. She walked into the main room with her handbag just on the edge of her shoulder and slips down her arm and thunks onto the floor, as it does she drops her keys onto her desk. The keys don’t make its usual clinking and scratching sounds, just a soft thud. She looks down to see her diary still on the desk. She ran her hand over the smooth paper cover and smiled to herself.
“Hey,” She heard Salt’s smooth gentle voice.
Looking up at Salton standing in the kitchen door way she smiled and replied, “Hey.”
“Uh, I’m about to serve dinner so…” Salt said awkwardly, he was trying to be careful around her unpredictable moods. Usually he was able to work around them, however recently it has been difficult.
“Thank you,” she said gently sweeping her hair behind her ears before leaving her shoes next to the desk and walking into the kitchen. Salton felt relieved, it must have been a good day at work. He was in fact wrong, she found work excruciating that day and she could feel a bitter seed of stress growing inside her, but she didn’t want to upset Salt.

She walked in quickly taking her seat at the table with a plate of pasta in front of her. Salt turned of the stove light and fan before sitting down to join her. Neither hesitated to start eating.
“Could you please pass me the salt, Salt,” she said giggling. A tiresome joke he knew he would never hear the end of. He sighed heavily and passed her the salt from across the table. The only sound at the dinner table at that moment was the crunching and grinding of the saltshaker but even came to an end.
“So,” She tried breaking the awkward silence, “Heard anything from your sister Pepper?” She smiled cheekily.
Salt again sighed heavily and looked up, “Emily is fine. Thank you for asking,” he giggled slightly. She always tried so hard to make him laugh, even at the risk of a telling a corny joke. They smiled each other for a moment before continuing eating. Half way through their meal she began to feel like she was losing her appetite and swirled the pasta around with her fork. She looked up at Salton; she could she sadness written all over his face.

“Are you ok?” She asked concerned, but after the words left her mouth and regret hit her heart it was too late.
“I thought we weren’t allowed to talk about it,” Salton said in a low voice. He was finding hard to control his emotions.
She swallowed hard, “I wanna talk about it.”
“Are you sure?” He said looking up.
“Yes,” She replied meekly.
He stared at her for a minute before replying, “I can tell you don’t want to.”
“I might not want to but that doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t.” She replied firmly.
“Are you going to tell me how you really feel?”
The question hit her like an arrow to the chest. She could feel her heart beating and the pressure bearing down on her. It was overwhelming, all her feelings were swelling up but all she could feel was frustration.
“Well?”
She tried blinking back tears, “I can’t do this.” She stood up quickly and headed for the door.
“Hey! Wait.” He yelled after her.

She quickly ran out the front door and went straight for the elevator. Salt quickly followed behind her, as he began to feel guilt. “Why do we do this to ourselves?” The elevator doors closed before he reached them so he quickly headed for the stairs and ran down them as fast as he could. He reached the bottom floor just as she headed out onto the street with the glass doors closing behind her. He reached for the door and stepped out into the street as the cold evening wind rushed past his face. She stood there in the middle of the pathway with tears running down her face.
“I’m sorry,” He said gently approaching her. He reached out to touch her shoulder and she turned around quickly.
“No.”
They both paused.
“I’m sorry,” She said desperately, “I’m sorry for all of this.”

“No, I’m sorry I keep pushing you over the edge I-“ She interrupted him quickly.
“No. I put myself on the edge and you are only trying to help me take a step back. And for some reason I think that throwing myself over will solve everything. But it never does. And I’m sorry,” She blurted out as her face turned red and she continued to cry. He took a step closer and she took a step back.
“I don’t know how I feel! I…I thought I loved you and I thought you would never be interested and then stuff happened and I.. I just-“ Her words were blurred by tears.

“Never be interested? What have I been trying to tell you! I am trying to tell you how I feel and you keep ignoring me. You keep telling me stop making things complicated when you’re the one who keeps making stories up in your head!” Salton yelled, his voice slightly echoing in the empty street. Her crying stops and she starts to feel rage.
“You are ridiculous! You expect me to be delicate around your feelings when you don’t give a s**t about mine!” Salton’s face was turning red.
“Oh! Your feelings??!! YOUR FEELINGS?!”
She started yelling back at him and the two started fighting and yelling in the middle of street, their words turned into an echoing muffle of rage.

“I love you Amelia!” Salton suddenly yelled out of the heat of the moment, passion had taken over his words.
Silence quickly fell over the street and they both stared at each other shocked.

“I love you Amelia,” he repeated, “And I know that you love me too.”
Amelia’s eyes widened.
“I read your diary. And I know you left it out on purpose. Those stories they are about us and I never realize I never-“ Amelia interrupted him.
“ They are my dreams. I… I was trying to figure out what they mean… I have been waiting for you to figure them out... My words are always better on paper,” She said timidly.
“I… I love you too Amelia. And we can make those stories real. We can have our own adventures. You just need to trust me,” he reached his hand. Amelia ran into his arms and wrapped hers around his neck.
Amelia turned her head to his ear and lightly brushed back his hair before whispering ever so quietly, “I love you Salton. Our adventures have already begun.”

- The End -

© 2014 Ellen Randall

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Featured Review

Stacey

Hey I just wanted to say I really enjoyed reading the story. Love can definitely be a complicated thing. I had an ex who broke up with me. Now I'm over him, but it really painted a vivid picture and I could totally relate. Great story.

Cheers,

Staceyanna