Entry One

October 7, 2010 – 5:27pm

I’m very confused right now.  I have many moments of hope, and maybe those are self-induced, and then I hear words that make my soul collapse into a heap of writhing agony.  I hear words of caring for me and about me, but they are followed up with words of utter callousness and distance.  My stomach is knotted up and eating isn’t a pleasant thought most of the time lately. 

 

I just want all of this to end in a whirlwind of some kind.  I want to scream as loud as I can that I am the man she needs and longs for.  That I can be the one to bring fire back to her soul.  That I can change, and even though I haven’t in the past this is completely different.  I’ve never been to this dark place where I sit right now.  I see nothing, hear nothing, and feel nothing but pain right now.  She is the submerged treasure underwater and I’ve just run out of air and have to re-surface.  But I keep going back for another dive, and the endings are all the same…just missing and having to turn back and start over.

 

But I will keep diving.  I will keep fighting for what I know can be a truly amazing connection between two people who, at one time, held an unbreakable bond of love and passion and trust.

 

But it is an uphill and treacherous climb filled with obstacles bent on getting between the glorious peak of true satisfaction and myself at the base of the mountain covered in a cold mist of fog.

 

I’m tired.  I’m very tired of this fog.  Why can’t the sun show itself?  I need some warmth, and I need to see something besides the gray blanket that covers everything around me.  All of the colors are muted and dull, when just a month ago I saw vibrant and radiant hues.  I realize that this fog will lift, but not knowing when is the hardest part.  And knowing that I’m not the only one that can lift this fog, but must rely on another to help, it is difficult.  I cannot control the outcome on my own because this situation is like a see-saw.  It takes two people to make it work.  And right now, I’m the only one on the playground.  In this f*****g fog, cold and wet.  I just need to see some colors.  Just for a little while.