Entry Seven

October 14, 2010 – 9:03am

It was interesting last night coming home from work to a somewhat distant reception from her.  The reason I say it was interesting is because as the night progressed we got into somewhat of a groove and found a comfortable space to coexist without making her a*s twitch, and without making me feel like I’m walking on eggshells.  She wouldn’t let me help in the kitchen until late in the evening when I dried and put away the dishes from dinner.  She also allowed me to help with the laundry in that I got to put away everything she had been folding.  To me, these are both steps of progress and it may have had something to do with my telling her that I actually enjoy helping out and that she can’t continue to try and stop me.  I have things I like to do as well, and need to be given the right to do those functions.

 

I asked her if I could sit down and watch some shows with her that she had recorded, and she said it was fine.  More progress, but she later said if I wanted to go watch something else in the other room it was fine.  I believe she thought I was watching TV with her just to be with her, and that I really didn’t want to watch what was on.  Truth be told, I don’t mind the shows, but I just wanted to be close to her without hovering.  So I gave her lots of space while still being in the room with her.  Eventually I let her know I’d be going to bed to read.  Again, giving her more space to do what she needs to do.

 

When she came to bed and turned off her light, I did the same because I was tired and done with reading.  She took this as me following her lead again, when the truth is I was just done and needed to pass out.  I’m still just trying to comprehend why, even if I was just following her lead, this is a bad thing.  All this time of feeling alone, and lonely, and hating it, yet she feels anger when I do what she’s been longing for this whole time.  She was angry when she went to bed alone, and now she’s angry because I’m next to her.  I understand there is a lot to get used to, but for someone who used to live internationally every two years I’d think she’d be a little better at adapting to my new idiosyncrasies.  Nothing is ever as easy as it seems, and nothing truly worth having takes little work.  We have a long way to go, but this morning was a good one and I feel confident today.  This is a very good thing because it allows me to be the upbeat and fun person with which I’m comfortable.  Baby steps, baby steps.