Entry Nine

October 14, 2010 - 5:17pm

I’m so sick of feeling like there is progress being made just to have the rug pulled out from under me.  I’m such a damn sucker apparently because every time things seem good…not so fast buddy.  It feels like I’m being led down this garden path only to be pushed into the rose bushes every few days.  Then on top of that, she can’t freaking talk about it other than letting me to the bare minimum, which does nothing but drive me insane with frustration.

 

All I want to do is help the situation and play my part, but I don’t know what my part is when I don’t get any communication from my partner in all of this.  We used to do everything as a team and now we’re on separate islands trying to hear with the other person is saying and not getting the message clearly.  The good times are good, but I’m not sure they are worth getting my f*****g heart ripped out so frequently.  I don’t know whether to keep believing in the fact that there’s a chance for us, or kicking her out of the house until she figures out what the hell she’s doing.

 

Of course making her leave would only end in one result, and that isn’t the desired result.  So I’m destined to continue down the agonizing road I’m on and do the best I can to hold myself together.  Work is becoming difficult, and being a great Dad for my kids is a challenge as well when I have nothing left to give while all my energy goes to self-preservation.  This is really starting to wear me down, and it’s honestly pretty scary they way my emotions are going and the things I start thinking about.  I’m so in love with her it’s frightening, and at the same time I’m becoming resentful because she won’t allow me to assist her in anything.  I never thought life could be this painful, nor would I have ever thought this would happen to us.  I thought we were going to be together for the rest of our lives, but the way she’s acting lately I’m really starting to doubt my chances at winning her back…and that is crushing every piece of me.