The underground encounter

The underground encounter

A Poem by 外人 (Gaijin)
"

Hope you enjoy it.

"
On the northbound tube
Shyly stands her mute beauty.
Her northern blonde hair mixed
With a more familiar brunette shade
Covers her candid forehead.

Her naturally red, lipstick-free lips
Arouse my mind to imagine
The sweetness of her kisses.
The childish charm of her imperfect teeth
Debate with the maturity of her tall figure.

Her pink dressed nails convey
A curious captivating impression
Of naivety and femininity,
Leading me to hopelessly long
For the gentle touch of her hands.

But suddenly my stream of thoughts
Stops like the train we're standing in,
The Bounds Green sign substitutes
Her pleasant look and my feet
Take on their usual journey.

© 2015 外人 (Gaijin)


Author's Note

外人 (Gaijin)
So, my biggest fear towards this poem is that it might sound too narative. What do you think? When we write about an external stimulus (like an encounter) rather than an internal stimulous (like what we feel), it's hard not to get narative, isn't it? Well, either that or I just lost the skill to write properly, after all it's been a long time since I wrote my last poem.

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Reviews

Her naturally red, lipstick-free lips
Arouse my mind to imagine
The sweetness of her kisses.

Just love these lines - natural and powerful.

Posted 3 Years Ago


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Roe
Your poem made me smile as I pictured this encounter, it didn't sound too narrative to me. I don't think you've lost any ability to write properly. I felt like I was a person oberserving this encounter.

Posted 4 Years Ago


poetic prose, a snapshot, a mini story - all pleasing and believable.

Posted 4 Years Ago


Not at all, the descriptive nature of the piece lends to the allusion of precision in wording, well done, good read.

Posted 4 Years Ago


it is a narrative in my opinion, but it is not a bad one and the visuals are good, its not how i would do it; but that's because I'm not big on the descriptive. you however do it very well.

Posted 4 Years Ago


Funny how the underground is such a place of mystery
the people we meet
i love your admiration of this perfect stranger

lovely

Posted 4 Years Ago


Beautiful use of description.
"Her pink dressed nails convey
A curious captivating impression
Of naivety and femininity,
Leading me to hopelessly long
For the gentle touch of her hands. "
I wanted to know and read more. Description is the key to every story. You did very well. Thank you for sharing the outstanding poetry.
Coyote

Posted 4 Years Ago


too narrative ? no, love this, a real story, left open. Great poem.

Posted 4 Years Ago



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Added on October 5, 2015
Last Updated on October 5, 2015

Author

外人 (Gaijin)
外人 (Gaijin)

London, United Kingdom



About
Why do I call myself 外人? 外人 is a foreigner, an outsider, therefore we're all, no matter what, 外人. We all live as foreigners in-between two worlds: The wor.. more..

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