Chapter 1

Chapter 1

A Chapter by Amund Schofield

The library was unusually quiet as Rory read the latest issue of Wonder Woman. He would occasionally brush his red bangs out of the way of his green eyes. Usually He would be wearing a white shirt and a pair of jeans. Due to circumstance He had been forced into a crisp white polo and a pair of dress pants.
Flipping the page over, Rory had wished he could be reading the paper instead. It wasn't that he didn't love Wonder Woman, it just wasn't part of his morning routine. If he hadn't already known what the front page story was, Rory would have been reading it. It wouldn't be long until he would be in the school's mandatory meeting and presented as a dog. He sighed as he thought about how embarrassing and horrifying it would be for him.
"Hey there, cutie!" A girl said as she slapped the newspaper in front of his comic. Looking up Rory saw that it had been Rose, one of the goths, who had interrupted his quiet reading session. As per usual She had her raven black hair pulled into pig tails, and her smile was a bright ruby red. Her bangs stopped just short of her piercing silver eyes. Rory pushed the paper away as he got up to leave. "Is that how you greet people?" Rose queered as she grabbed his arm. 
"I... I really don't want any company," Rory pleaded as he tried to escape.
"Too bad. You're not gonna get away from me that easy," She pulled him closer. Rory instinctively looked away. "Oh, come on. I'm not that scary... am I?"
"No, it's not that. I would prefer to be alone." Rory said, still looking away.
"Not gonna happen." She forced Rory to look her in the eyes. "I'm not gonna leave you here. Not until you're the happy kid I saw in here a few weeks ago."
"Why?" Rory said as tears formed in the corner of his eyes.
"Because, I think you need friend." Rose Smiled.
"How do you know we'll get along?"
"I just do."
"How?"
Rose giggled. "Come on, we're gonna ditch this place."
"What?" Rory said, with his mouth hanging open. "There's a mandatory meeting in the school auditorium!"
"Yeah, and all they're gonna do is bring everyone to stare at the kid who tried to commit suicide! It's so not something you need to go through." Rose smiled as she pulled him out of the library.
"I've never ditched before. What about the principal? What abou-" Rose put a hand over his mouth, shushing him.
"Don't worry. School hasn't started yet," Rose said, pulling her hand away. As Rory started to protest she cut him off, "Look, I'll tell everyone I forced you at knife point. Just spend the day with me."
"If I  get into trouble."
"You won't!" Rose cut him off again. "Now come on kid, Lets get outta hell." She said pulling him out of the school. Reaching her '69  mustang, black with a pink trim, she practically shoved her key into the car. The tires screeched as she peeled out of the parking lot. In a few minutes the duo were in a part of Willowhunt's downtown Rory hadn’t seen.
"Downtown.... wait, you've never been downtown?" Rose asked, whipping her head around to look at him.
"Yeah. I don't leave my house much," Rory said, hanging his head again.
"I didn't mean to embarrass you or anything," Rose apologized. "All right, lets hit Keystone Park first!" After a few moments, Rose pulled the mustang into the parking lot for their first destination. The park was rather large and spacious. The trees were sparse enough to play Frisbee, yet far enough to provide a lot of shade. Families were out in droves, taking advantage of the nice weather. 
"What if one of the adults call the school?" Rory quietly asked, getting out of the vehicle.
"They'll probably just ignore us, as long as we don't f**k with them." Rose lead Rory along the cobble stone path. 
"I've never been here before," Rory said, noticing the pond off in the distance.
"Your parents keep you locked up tight then?" Rose lightly elbowed Rory.
"It's not that. My parents would love for me to have friends, hang out and whatever else teenagers are supposed to do. I'm... I'm just not that good at going up to complete strangers." Rory watched as a small boy ran up to a girl and asked to be best friends.
"Hey kid, it's all right. Some people aren't good at socializing. You'll be able to get some practice in, if you stick with me." Rose smiled.
"Thank you." Rory smiled back.
The two walked around the park aimlessly, smiling at families who passed them. They talked about school, teachers and music. Rose was shocked when she learned Rory didn't listen to much music. She promised to take him to her favorite record store after lunch. After a few hours Rory's stomach started to grumble and Rose decided it was time to go to Morgin's Deli. 
Speeding off to yet another location, Rose put on the local rock station and told Rory that he had to listen. Rory nodded and listened to a man screaming and railing against the government. Surprised by the honesty and brutality of the lyrics, Rory got lost in the station. He didn't even notice that they had reached their destination.
"Hey, Rory, we're here." Rose nudged him out of his music-induced trance.
"Oh, sorry. I got lost in the music," Rory said, getting out of the car.
"It's all right, I do it all the time." Rose smiled, locking the car.
"This place looks good," Rory said, smiling at Rose. Looking at the deli, it seemed to be straight out of the Beav's era. Mostly white, with the padding of the stools and seats being a bright red. Rory could easily imagine kids going here after school for a malt and girl's being asked to go steady. 
"So, we're going Dutch, right?" Rose asked, looking at Rory. Instantly his smile faded and his eyes widened. Rose cackled. "You're so easy to f**k with," Rose said shaking her head. "Come on pet, let's get inside," She said, leading the way.
"Did you just call me pet?" Rory asked, entering the deli.
"Yeah, I've been thinking of a nickname for you."
"Ok, sure, but please don't call me pet." Rory pleaded, walking toward the counter.
"As you wish," Rose teased, curtseying. "Hey, Morgin we're hungry out here!"
"Shouldn't you be in school!" boomed a deep voice from the kitchen.
"Shouldn't you be serving customers?" Rose hollered back.
"Damn it Rose! I've gotten in trouble with your parents before and I really don't feel like going through that again." Morgin growled, entering the counter area. He was a taller man, with dark blonde hair and deep green eyes. Rory couldn't help but stare at the man's physique. Morgin was obviously someone who took care of his body.
"Look, I'm just saving him from the mandatory meeting they had set up at the school. They were gonna put him up in front of everyone and display him like ah.. I don't know, but he just got out of the psych ward," Rose pleaded with Morgin.
"All right, I won't tell anyone, but you're having carrots with your burger today!" Morgin smiled.
"Sure thing, but he's getting fries!" Rose commanded, playfully staring at Morgin.
"No, you're both eating healthy, seeing as that is the only way I can punish you." Morgin said writing a ticket.
"Do I get.. do I," Rory gasped trying to form a question.
"Do you what?" Morgin asked staring at him.
"DoIgettodecidewhatI'mhaving?" Rory blurted out, his face red.
Rose laughed hysterically as Morgin smiled and said "Sure, just make sure it's not french fries."
Rory nodded and picking up a menu. Looking through he choose the Spring Chicken Salad Sub. Morgin nodded approvingly and told the duo to go take a seat.
"So how do you like spending the day with me so far?" Rose asked, leaning back in her chair.
"I kind of like it actually." Rory smiled, sitting upright.
"Good. From now on, instead of sitting in the library, you're gonna come and sit by me and my friends right?"
"Well, I don't actually know where you guys sit," Rory looked down.
"Its cool. Tomorrow, you just go into the library and I'll come and get you ," Rose said pulling out her phone. "Looks like my parents called me... three times." Rory's face went from happy to oh-s**t in no time. "Don't worry. After I call my parentals, I'll get a hold of yours and tell them what's up." Rose said as she called her father. "Daddy? No, I'm ok. Yeah I di.. please stop yel... SHUT UP!" Rose finally yelled into her phone. "Look, I just ditched with Rory Gebel... Yes the one who tried jumping off a bridge... Look Daddy they were gonna throw him on stage in the auditorium and present him like a dog... Ok thanks Daddy... Love you to."
"Is everything ok?" Rory quietly asked.
"Yeah, he was just wondering why I wasn't in school. He understood after I explained why." Rose sighed. "So now its time to call your parents."
"Well, the number for my house is two thirty two, fourteen twenty two." Rory explained as Morgin came out with two plates of food.
"Morgin, as always it looks amazing," Rose smiled as she put the phone to her ear.
"No cell phones inside," Morgin said pointing to his sign.
"Look, its just a quick call to his house so his parents know where he is." Rose said with big puppy eyes.
"All right, just this once." Morgin walked away.
"You two know each other well?" Rory started eating his submarine.
"Yeah, he's kind of like a... Hello Mrs. Gebel... No you don't know me... hold on a second I'm here with Rory... Yes he's fine... No Mrs. Gebel I just dragged him along while I ditched... look I just... SHUT UP!" She yelled again. "Look, just let me explain." Rose calmly explained her reasoning, then handed the phone over to Rory.
"Hi Mom." Rory said nervously.
"Honey, who is this girl?" his Mother nervously asked.
"She's a friend. We just met this morning."
"All right, she's not into drugs or anything is she?"
"I don't know yet."
"God damnit! Why did you go with her? Mrs. Ambler had an assembly planned for you."
"I know, but I don't like the attention. You know that."
"Ok, but Pumpkin, I want to meet your friend. Make sure she brings you back home later."
"I will... did the principal call?"
"Yes, and she's livid, absolutely livid."
"Well, I'll apologize to her, and to you and Father when I get home."
"Damn straight you're apologizing to your parents, but I'll deal with the Principal. I knew we shouldn't have forced this assembly on you." His mother sighed. After a moment of silence between the two his mother said goodbye and Rory gave the phone back to Rose.
"You ok with your parents?" Rose questioned, eatering her burger and carrots.
"My Mom is the easier one to deal with. It's my Father I'm gonna have to apologize to on my knees."
"He doesn't hit you does he?"
"What? NO!"
"Sorry. It's just the last person I knew who called his dad, father, was beaten by his dad," Rose apologized.
"Its ok, you're just concerned." Rory took another bite. "You know... this place is really good."
"F**k yeah it is!" Rose laughed. "You want me to deal with your Father?" Rose asked after a moment.
"Well, My mother wants to meet you, and I would like the backup," Rory explained.
"She wants to meet me? What does she think, that we're going steady?" Rose giggled.
"Probably. She's been at me to get a girlfriend." Rory said as he rolled his eyes.
"Well, is there anyone you're sweet on?" Rose asked as she gnawed on a carrot.
"Not really..." Rory avoided the question.
"Really? Well after we have you meet the gang tomorrow morning you'll be able to find someone," Rose said smiling.
"Maybe," Rory said smiling to himself.
"Well, before we go back to see your parents, we have two stops left of Rose's tour of Willowhunt," Rose exclaimed as she finished the last of her carrots. "I hate you Morgin!" She shouted towards the kitchen.
"Well, I'm not finished," Rory said looking at his half-sub.
"He'll wrap it up for you," Rose said as Morgin came out.
"The carrots are good for you, though you don't care," Morgin chided. "Want a doggy bag?" He asked as he saw Rory wasn't even half done.
"Yes sir," Rory said looking away. Morgin smiled and took the dishes and came out with Rory's doggy bag. After Rose paid the duo left the Deli and drove deeper into downtown. It wasn't a long drive and they had arrived at Jeremie's Records. 
Walking in, the duo got the attention of the man behind the black and white counter. He looked up and smiled at Rose. Rose smiled back and blew a kiss. The man laughed and waved them over. "What are you up to?" He asked Rose.
"Showing my new friend around town," Rose said. "You want to introduce him to music? He's apparently not listened to it much at all." The guy nodded and Rose walked off into the aisles of records browsing. It was a rather large a spacious store. The wall behind the counter was covered in vinyl records, most of which Rory didn't recognize. The aisles consited of waist high displays, filled front to back with CDs. Posters of people, monsters and pop stars covered the walls.
"So what's your name?" the man asked Rory.
"I'm Rory Gebel, sir," Rory said staring at the guy in front of him. He couldn't help himself from drinking in the strong features and gorgeous full lips. His eyes were a deep, dark blue, which were only slightly covered by his dark bangs. 
"Wow... you're a strange one," He said smiling.
"I'm sorry," Rory said crestfallen.
"Hey its all right... you don't get out much do you?"
"No, not really. I mainly stay at home."
"Well that explains it. So did Rose have you listen to the radio at all?" He asked raising an eyebrow.
"Yeah, it was a rock station. I liked that stuff." 
"Cool... I'm Mike," he said introducing himself.
"I thought it wa-"
"Wait you're the kid who jumped off the old bridge!" Mike hollered just realizing who was standing in front of him.
"Ummm...  yeah..." Rory said sheepishly.
"Oh... you don't want to talk about it, do you?"
"Not really, can we just listen to music?" Rory asked still staring at Mike's eyes.
"Yeah, of course," Mike turned around to look at the wall of records. After Mike's back was to him, Rory couldn't help but stare. The clothing on Mike was just tight enough that Rory could drink in the curves of his back. "So I'm going to lay off the depressing rock... You like Pat Benatar?"
"Who?" Rory said, forcing himself to snap out of his trance.
"Wow... I'll throw on 'Heartbreaker' then." Laughing to himself, Mike grabbed a record with a blue border and a woman in a suggestive pose. "I love this record." Putting the record on the player, the store came alive with "Heartbreaker".
"Really? Benatar?" Rose chided as she walked to the counter.
"Well... yeah! Who would you rather have?" Mike challenged Rose.
"Lita Ford, Kiss, ACDC, Otep, Five Finger Death Punch, Guns'n'Roses, anything but Benatar," Rose sighed.
"Actually, I like it," Rory smiled.
"See!" Mike teased Rose. "I knew you would like it." He said to Rory making him blush. Rose and Mike shared a glance that Rory didn't notice.
"So yeah, get me Benatar's greatest hits and a cd player," Rose ordered Mike. "Oh and make sure they have headphones asshat!"
"So... I thought it was Jeremie's Records," Rory asked as he watched Mike go over to a shelf filled with electronics.
"Nah, Jeremie was an a*****e. He didn't know how to communicate with the customer. When someone asked for a record Jeremie didn't like, he called them a dumbass. Eventually he just started throwing people out. Then a year ago I got inheritance from my Gran, and I bought the place."
"Wow, so has it gone well for you?" Rory asked as Mike came back with a package.
"My baby here has turned it into a growing business. He's got people interested in buying it from him," Rose said siting on the counter.
"Yeah, and its all thanks to my best girl," Mike said, hugging Rose around the waist.
"So... are you two?" Rory asked, barely above a whisper.
"Nah, he's my ex-boyfriend," Rose got off the counter.
"Ex?"
"Well, we kind of had to stop dating." Mike explained, grabbing a cd from behind the counter.
"Why?"
"Well, he figured out he was gay, so it would be kind of hard to keep dating," Rose explained pulling out a fifty dollar bill.
"No, this one's on the house," Mike said as he handed the bag over to Rory, winking as he did so.
"Th-thanks," Rory stuttered.
"All right, Suicide Boy, we're off." Rose said, pulling him out the front of the shop.
"Suicide Boy?" Rory squeaked.
"Yeah, you didn't like pet, so I figured it would work." Rose said.
"Well, I kind of like it actually... but don't let my parents here you call me that." His color drained from his face.
"Will never let them hear it, Suicide," She said, as they got into the car.
The sun was hanging low in the sky when the two reached the town's bell tower. There was an elevator, but Rose insisted on taking the stairs instead. They reached the top and the view hit Rory like a truck. He looked out over the balcony, and onto the sweeping town. Even though it was a big town, Willowhunt didn't have many tall buildings. Beyond the town, to the west Rory saw the roaming hills. Opposite, to the east, was the raging river.
"Ok, Suicide, see this?" Rose asked as she placed her hand on the railing.
"Yeah, what about it?" Rory looked out into the distance.
"It's called a railing, and you don't jump over them!" Rose said nonchalantly at Rory.
"What the fu-" Rory stopped short of letting the curse out of his mouth.
"Ah, almost got you!" Rose pointed and giggled.
"You're so..." Rory shook his head.
"Yeah, I know I'm a b***h. However if anyone f***s with my friends, I f**k with them." Rose said putting her arm around Rory's shoulder.
"So... I'm your friend right?" Rory asked while they looked towards the hills.
"Only if you answer my next question honestly," Rose said as she pulled Rory in tighter. "Are you gay?"
Rory's color drained from his face and tears started to form at his eyes. He tried to pull away, but Rose held on him tighter then he had been held before. "Let me go!" Rory shouted.
"No!" she shouted. Rose then slapped Rory across the face. "Are you gay?" She asked as she forced Rory to look her in the eyes.
"I... I..." Rory tried to answer, however his command of the English language escaped him. His eyes started to burn from the sheer amount of tears that fell from his eyes.
"Just answer me," Rose stared with her piercing eyes into his.
"Ye..yes.." Rory gasped.
Rose pulled him into a hug and held him tight. "Its ok Suicide... I'm not gonna kill you. Hell I didn't even kill my ex after he came out." Rory just nodded and rested his head on her shoulder.
"I just... never told anyone," Rory said quietly after a moment.
"I know. Its always hard telling people. Eventually it will get easier." Rose said as she let Rory go.
"Thanks," Rory said as he wiped his tears.
"All right, lets go dumb a*s." Rose pulled him down the stairs.
"Dumb a*s?" Rory squeaked.
"Yeah, I'm mad at you for thinking I would hate you for wanting to suck a dick." Rose teased as she pulled him further down the flight of stairs.
"Who said I would be the one sucking dick!" Rory exclaimed.
"Oh.. you did not just swear!" Rose said laughing as she sat down. "You just f*****g swore!" Rose laughed harder. 
Rory laughed with Rose as he sat beside her. He leaned against his new friend and thanked her.
"For?" She asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Everything."


© 2011 Amund Schofield


Author's Note

Amund Schofield
I want every little thought you have about this, and please pay attention to the grammar. On top of that, if you see Rory swearing before the end, let me know.

It has been edited. I'm sure there are still grammar mistakes, if you see more let me know. I'm going to go over it again once I feel like being a Gramma-Nazi

My Review

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Featured Review

Hey, I think I remember reading this! First off, I have to commend you for bringing up Five Finger Death Punch. That band is totally kick a*s. And now for the more serious stuff:

Story-wise, I thought the chapter was pretty good. It moved along at a smooth pace. I liked how you hint at Rory being gay with the descriptions of Morgin and Mike, as well as maybe with his interactions with them, but didn't actually reveal it until the end. It gave the plot for this chapter a nice touch.

I also liked the ending of the chapter. I felt like it had a bit of a hook to it to urge me to read more. The beginning was good, too, but you could make it better by starting off with a stronger opening sentence. Last semester, my honors composition professor emphasized the importance of starting ANY written work with a strong opening sentence to hook the reader. Currently, your opening sentence is okay, but, personally, it doesn't really hook me to the story. Maybe try to consider starting off with a stronger sentence if you can think of one, or rearrange the beginning so it starts off in a better way.

I thought the characters seem well rounded, especially Rose and Rory. They stood out to me really well. The physical descriptions you used for the characters also adequately painted a picture of what they looked like, but you forgot to describe what Rory looks like, or if you did, I didn't catch it.

As for other detail, you might need to work on it a little. For example, you have Rose and Rory get in Rose's car. You could describe the car. I mean, you say it's small, but that's about it. What kind of car is it? What color is it? Just those two things will give an adequate image of the car, and it will not only do that but also maybe characterize Rose a little bit, since how new the car is can give a hint at maybe how wealthy her family is, or it could maybe show she likes older cars. Also, I don't think you describe the inside of Morgin's Deli or Jeremie's Records (or the park), which are kind of needed since the characters spend quite a bit of time in those two places. A mental picture of their surroundings would be really nice for those parts.

One thing I really noticed while reading this chapter, though, is that you tell us what character is talking A LOT. When there are only two characters talking, you only have to tell the reader who is talking until after maybe the second time they say something. Afterward, you can exclude "he said" or "she said." The reader should be able to know who's talking from then on. For example:

“Not gonna happen,” Rose said using her hand to force Rory to look her in the face. “I’m not gonna leave you alone until you’re the happy kid I saw in here a few weeks ago.”

Rose and Rory were already talking for a little bit before this bit of dialogue, so you can get rid of "said," change "using" to "used," and change the comma after "happen" into a period. Do this for other instances of dialogue, too. It'll help the redundancy of you telling the reader who said what all the time.

And now for some grammar:

"Rory sat in the library reading his Wonder Woman comic."
I think there should be a comma after "library."

"Sighing He though about how horrid it would be."
There should be a comma after "sighing," "he" should be capitalized, and "though" should be "thought." I'm sure you already knew most of this and missed it, but I thought I'd point them out.

"[...]getting away from me!' Rose said as she pulling him closer."
"Pulling" should be "pulled."

"'No, its not that. I just really want to be alone,' Rory said still looking away."
First, "its" should be "it's." It's = it is. You want the contraction, so you want "it's." You make this mistake a couple of other times in the chapter. Second, there should be a comma after "said." Unless there's a preposition or "as" following "said," then you're probably gonna have a comma after it if you're adding detail such as "still looking away."

“'Because, I think you need a friend.' Rose said smiling."
Like the above, there should be a comma after "said." Also, there should be a comma after "friend," not a period. A comma is the only thing that can join the "said" phrase (or any variation of it, such as explained, groaned, etc.), not a period.

Rose giggled, “Come on, we’re gonna ditch this place.”
The comma after "giggled" implies that Rose is giggling that dialogue. I'm not sure if that's really possible. If you meant she was giggling while saying that dialogue, then say something like "Rose said with a giggle" instead. If you meant she giggled before speaking, then change the comma to a period.

“What?” Rory said with his mouth hanging open, “There’s a mandatory meeting in the school auditorium!”
The comma after "open" should be a period.

“Look, I’ll tell everyone I forced you to go at knife point, just come and spend the day with me.”
The comma after "point" should be a period, and "just" should be capitalized.

“You won’t!” Rose said cutting Rory off, “Now come on Suicide, lets get outta hell.”
There should be a comma after "Rose said," and the period after "off" should be a period. "Lets" should be "let's," and there should be a comma before "Suicide." Also, did you mean to use the Suicide nickname this early, or was that a mistake?

outta hell.” She said pulling him out of the school and into her car. She practically shoved her key into the car and sped out of the parking lot. In a few minutes She had the duo in a part of downtown of Willowhunt Rory hadn’t seen.
The period after "hell" should be a comma and "she" should be lowercase. There should be a comma after "said," and a comma after "minutes." The "she" after minutes should be lowercase. Also, the repetition of the word "car" sticks out a little. You might want to fix that by using a different word for one of the instances of "car."

“Downtown... wait you’ve never been downtown?” Rose asked whipping her head to look at him.
There should be a comma after "asked," and I think you forgot "around" after "head." There should be a comma after "wait," too.

“All right lets hit the park first!” Rose said pulling the car to the left. After a few minutes of driving Rose pulled her small car into a park that was filled with families.
There should be a comma after "said" and a comma after "all right." Also, there should be a comma after "driving." When there's a phrase beginning with "after," you're going to have a comma after that phrase.

Speeding off to yet another location Rose put on the local rock station and told Rory that he had to listen. [...] Surprised by the honesty and brutality of the lyrics Rory got lost in the station.
These two sentences have the same problem. There should be a comma after "location" and a comma after "lyrics." When you have these kinds of phrases beginning sentences like this, you're going to have a comma after the phrases.

"Hey, Rory we're here." Rose said nudging him out of his music induced trance.
There should be a comma after "here," not a period, and there should be a comma after "said." Also, "music induced" should be hyphenated. Oh, and there should be a comma after "Rory," too.

"So we're going dutch right?" Rose said looking at Rory.
There should be a comma after "dutch." Usually when you have "right" before a question mark, you're probably gonna have to have a comma before that "right." Also, I think "dutch" should be capitalized.

"Yeah, I've been thinking of a nick name for you."
Nickname is one word.

Rory couldn't help but stare at the man's physic.
You mean "physique."

I don't know but he just got out of the psych ward." Rose said pleading with Morgin.
There should be a comma after "know" and a comma after "said."

"She's a friend, we just met this morning."
The comma after "friend" should be a period. These are two main clauses (the clauses that can stand as their own sentences since they have a subject and a verb), so you need either a period or a semicolon, not a comma, to separate them.

"God damnit, why did you go with her, the Principal had an assembly planned for you."
"I know, but I don't like the attention, you know that."
"Ok, but pumpkin I want to meet your friend, make sure she brings you back home later."
This kind of goes along with what I told you about in the passage before this one. There should be a question mark after "with her," not a comma. The comma after "attention" should be a period," and the same goes for the one after "friend." Also, I'm not entirely sure, but I think "pumpkin" should be capitalized since it's a nickname.

"Sorry, its just the last person I knew who called hid dad, father, was beaten by his dad." Rose explained with an apologetic face.
"Its" should be "it's," and "hid" should be "his."

Walking in the man behind the counter looked up and smiled at Rose.
There should be a comma after "Walking in." However, "walking in" is wrong. A phrase like that ALWAYS refers to the subject right after it. In this case, that subject is "the man." I doubt the man is the one that's "walking in," so you'll have to revise that somehow so that Rose and Rory are the ones that are "walking in," not the man.


"So what's your name?" The man said to Rory.
"The" should be lowercase.

His eyes were a deep dark blue, which were only slightly covered by his longish dark bangs.
I think there should be a comma after "deep." Also, "longish" sounds kind of amateurish. Either make it "long" or change it to something else.

As he did so Rory stared at Mike. His clothing was tight enough to show off his body, and Rory couldn't help himself.
There should be a comma after "so." Also, "Rory couldn't help himself" sounds kind of weird where it's at currently. I'm sure you're talking about how Rory couldn't help but to stare at Mike, but that's not exactly what it sounds like with how it's currently written, so you might want to revise that.

"Wow... I'll throw on Heartbreaker then," Mike said laughing to himself. He grabbed a Record with a blue border and a woman in a suggestive pose. "I love this record," he said putting it on a record player which was hooked up to his computer. In an instant the entire store came alive with the song Heartbreaker.
A few things here. I'll ignore what I've been correcting plenty of times already and focus on the newer stuff. First, Heartbreaker is the title of a song, so it needs the proper punctuation. At the end of this passage, there should be "" around the title. When it's in the dialogue, there should be '' around it since you're supposed to use single quotation marks when nested in double quotation marks. Also, "record" should be lowercase. Now for the phrase "record player which was hooked up." Mainly, I'm looking at the "which." When you use "which" in cases like this, there'll be a comma after it. Also, in a case like this, the word "which" denounces that you're using a nonessential clause, a clause that isn't crucial to the sentence. If you think the information after "which" is important to the sentence, then you want to change "which" to "that" because "that" is what denounces an essential clause.
Finally, there's the "Mike said" and "he said." Naturally, this whole paragraph is supposed to belong to Mike's dialogue, no one else's, so it's obvious that he's still talking. There's no need for the "he said." Since you probably still want the information about the record player after it, you can just treat it like its own sentence in the middle of the dialogue.

"Will never let them hear it Suicide," She said as they got into the car.
There should be a comma before "Suicide," and "she" should be lowercase.

Willowhunt didn't have many tall building, but it had a lot of them. Beyond the town, to the west Rory saw the roaming hills, opposite of that was the raging river.
This doesn't make sense. Willowhunt doesn't have a lot of tall buildings, but it has a lot of them? That's kind of contradictory. You probably didn't mean that, though. You might've left something out. Also, I think there should be a period after "hills," not a comma.

He tried pulling away, but Rose held on him tighter then he had been held before.
"Then" should be "than."

There were more grammar mistakes, some that I probably didn't catch, but I didn't want to point out every single one. I'll let you do some of the work on your own lol. But yeah, overall, this is a good start so far.

Oh, and I didn't catch any instances on Rory swearing until the end.

Hope this helps (and I hope it makes sense...my roommate and some friend of his is in here, so it's hard to concentrate). :)


Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

Well, hey I liked it enough to read all the way though, and was really glad that its not some dark depressing bit, and can actually brush on the subject of suicide with some humor. The conversation on the phone with the mom was weak - using the phrases "god damn it" and "pumpkin" together? sounds like mom's bi-polar. And seriously dude - a vinyl record store? wtf? Change it to an coffee/cyber house and have them rip their music from torrent files like everyone else does. Oh geez...did I say that out loud?

Posted 10 Years Ago


Hey, I think I remember reading this! First off, I have to commend you for bringing up Five Finger Death Punch. That band is totally kick a*s. And now for the more serious stuff:

Story-wise, I thought the chapter was pretty good. It moved along at a smooth pace. I liked how you hint at Rory being gay with the descriptions of Morgin and Mike, as well as maybe with his interactions with them, but didn't actually reveal it until the end. It gave the plot for this chapter a nice touch.

I also liked the ending of the chapter. I felt like it had a bit of a hook to it to urge me to read more. The beginning was good, too, but you could make it better by starting off with a stronger opening sentence. Last semester, my honors composition professor emphasized the importance of starting ANY written work with a strong opening sentence to hook the reader. Currently, your opening sentence is okay, but, personally, it doesn't really hook me to the story. Maybe try to consider starting off with a stronger sentence if you can think of one, or rearrange the beginning so it starts off in a better way.

I thought the characters seem well rounded, especially Rose and Rory. They stood out to me really well. The physical descriptions you used for the characters also adequately painted a picture of what they looked like, but you forgot to describe what Rory looks like, or if you did, I didn't catch it.

As for other detail, you might need to work on it a little. For example, you have Rose and Rory get in Rose's car. You could describe the car. I mean, you say it's small, but that's about it. What kind of car is it? What color is it? Just those two things will give an adequate image of the car, and it will not only do that but also maybe characterize Rose a little bit, since how new the car is can give a hint at maybe how wealthy her family is, or it could maybe show she likes older cars. Also, I don't think you describe the inside of Morgin's Deli or Jeremie's Records (or the park), which are kind of needed since the characters spend quite a bit of time in those two places. A mental picture of their surroundings would be really nice for those parts.

One thing I really noticed while reading this chapter, though, is that you tell us what character is talking A LOT. When there are only two characters talking, you only have to tell the reader who is talking until after maybe the second time they say something. Afterward, you can exclude "he said" or "she said." The reader should be able to know who's talking from then on. For example:

“Not gonna happen,” Rose said using her hand to force Rory to look her in the face. “I’m not gonna leave you alone until you’re the happy kid I saw in here a few weeks ago.”

Rose and Rory were already talking for a little bit before this bit of dialogue, so you can get rid of "said," change "using" to "used," and change the comma after "happen" into a period. Do this for other instances of dialogue, too. It'll help the redundancy of you telling the reader who said what all the time.

And now for some grammar:

"Rory sat in the library reading his Wonder Woman comic."
I think there should be a comma after "library."

"Sighing He though about how horrid it would be."
There should be a comma after "sighing," "he" should be capitalized, and "though" should be "thought." I'm sure you already knew most of this and missed it, but I thought I'd point them out.

"[...]getting away from me!' Rose said as she pulling him closer."
"Pulling" should be "pulled."

"'No, its not that. I just really want to be alone,' Rory said still looking away."
First, "its" should be "it's." It's = it is. You want the contraction, so you want "it's." You make this mistake a couple of other times in the chapter. Second, there should be a comma after "said." Unless there's a preposition or "as" following "said," then you're probably gonna have a comma after it if you're adding detail such as "still looking away."

“'Because, I think you need a friend.' Rose said smiling."
Like the above, there should be a comma after "said." Also, there should be a comma after "friend," not a period. A comma is the only thing that can join the "said" phrase (or any variation of it, such as explained, groaned, etc.), not a period.

Rose giggled, “Come on, we’re gonna ditch this place.”
The comma after "giggled" implies that Rose is giggling that dialogue. I'm not sure if that's really possible. If you meant she was giggling while saying that dialogue, then say something like "Rose said with a giggle" instead. If you meant she giggled before speaking, then change the comma to a period.

“What?” Rory said with his mouth hanging open, “There’s a mandatory meeting in the school auditorium!”
The comma after "open" should be a period.

“Look, I’ll tell everyone I forced you to go at knife point, just come and spend the day with me.”
The comma after "point" should be a period, and "just" should be capitalized.

“You won’t!” Rose said cutting Rory off, “Now come on Suicide, lets get outta hell.”
There should be a comma after "Rose said," and the period after "off" should be a period. "Lets" should be "let's," and there should be a comma before "Suicide." Also, did you mean to use the Suicide nickname this early, or was that a mistake?

outta hell.” She said pulling him out of the school and into her car. She practically shoved her key into the car and sped out of the parking lot. In a few minutes She had the duo in a part of downtown of Willowhunt Rory hadn’t seen.
The period after "hell" should be a comma and "she" should be lowercase. There should be a comma after "said," and a comma after "minutes." The "she" after minutes should be lowercase. Also, the repetition of the word "car" sticks out a little. You might want to fix that by using a different word for one of the instances of "car."

“Downtown... wait you’ve never been downtown?” Rose asked whipping her head to look at him.
There should be a comma after "asked," and I think you forgot "around" after "head." There should be a comma after "wait," too.

“All right lets hit the park first!” Rose said pulling the car to the left. After a few minutes of driving Rose pulled her small car into a park that was filled with families.
There should be a comma after "said" and a comma after "all right." Also, there should be a comma after "driving." When there's a phrase beginning with "after," you're going to have a comma after that phrase.

Speeding off to yet another location Rose put on the local rock station and told Rory that he had to listen. [...] Surprised by the honesty and brutality of the lyrics Rory got lost in the station.
These two sentences have the same problem. There should be a comma after "location" and a comma after "lyrics." When you have these kinds of phrases beginning sentences like this, you're going to have a comma after the phrases.

"Hey, Rory we're here." Rose said nudging him out of his music induced trance.
There should be a comma after "here," not a period, and there should be a comma after "said." Also, "music induced" should be hyphenated. Oh, and there should be a comma after "Rory," too.

"So we're going dutch right?" Rose said looking at Rory.
There should be a comma after "dutch." Usually when you have "right" before a question mark, you're probably gonna have to have a comma before that "right." Also, I think "dutch" should be capitalized.

"Yeah, I've been thinking of a nick name for you."
Nickname is one word.

Rory couldn't help but stare at the man's physic.
You mean "physique."

I don't know but he just got out of the psych ward." Rose said pleading with Morgin.
There should be a comma after "know" and a comma after "said."

"She's a friend, we just met this morning."
The comma after "friend" should be a period. These are two main clauses (the clauses that can stand as their own sentences since they have a subject and a verb), so you need either a period or a semicolon, not a comma, to separate them.

"God damnit, why did you go with her, the Principal had an assembly planned for you."
"I know, but I don't like the attention, you know that."
"Ok, but pumpkin I want to meet your friend, make sure she brings you back home later."
This kind of goes along with what I told you about in the passage before this one. There should be a question mark after "with her," not a comma. The comma after "attention" should be a period," and the same goes for the one after "friend." Also, I'm not entirely sure, but I think "pumpkin" should be capitalized since it's a nickname.

"Sorry, its just the last person I knew who called hid dad, father, was beaten by his dad." Rose explained with an apologetic face.
"Its" should be "it's," and "hid" should be "his."

Walking in the man behind the counter looked up and smiled at Rose.
There should be a comma after "Walking in." However, "walking in" is wrong. A phrase like that ALWAYS refers to the subject right after it. In this case, that subject is "the man." I doubt the man is the one that's "walking in," so you'll have to revise that somehow so that Rose and Rory are the ones that are "walking in," not the man.


"So what's your name?" The man said to Rory.
"The" should be lowercase.

His eyes were a deep dark blue, which were only slightly covered by his longish dark bangs.
I think there should be a comma after "deep." Also, "longish" sounds kind of amateurish. Either make it "long" or change it to something else.

As he did so Rory stared at Mike. His clothing was tight enough to show off his body, and Rory couldn't help himself.
There should be a comma after "so." Also, "Rory couldn't help himself" sounds kind of weird where it's at currently. I'm sure you're talking about how Rory couldn't help but to stare at Mike, but that's not exactly what it sounds like with how it's currently written, so you might want to revise that.

"Wow... I'll throw on Heartbreaker then," Mike said laughing to himself. He grabbed a Record with a blue border and a woman in a suggestive pose. "I love this record," he said putting it on a record player which was hooked up to his computer. In an instant the entire store came alive with the song Heartbreaker.
A few things here. I'll ignore what I've been correcting plenty of times already and focus on the newer stuff. First, Heartbreaker is the title of a song, so it needs the proper punctuation. At the end of this passage, there should be "" around the title. When it's in the dialogue, there should be '' around it since you're supposed to use single quotation marks when nested in double quotation marks. Also, "record" should be lowercase. Now for the phrase "record player which was hooked up." Mainly, I'm looking at the "which." When you use "which" in cases like this, there'll be a comma after it. Also, in a case like this, the word "which" denounces that you're using a nonessential clause, a clause that isn't crucial to the sentence. If you think the information after "which" is important to the sentence, then you want to change "which" to "that" because "that" is what denounces an essential clause.
Finally, there's the "Mike said" and "he said." Naturally, this whole paragraph is supposed to belong to Mike's dialogue, no one else's, so it's obvious that he's still talking. There's no need for the "he said." Since you probably still want the information about the record player after it, you can just treat it like its own sentence in the middle of the dialogue.

"Will never let them hear it Suicide," She said as they got into the car.
There should be a comma before "Suicide," and "she" should be lowercase.

Willowhunt didn't have many tall building, but it had a lot of them. Beyond the town, to the west Rory saw the roaming hills, opposite of that was the raging river.
This doesn't make sense. Willowhunt doesn't have a lot of tall buildings, but it has a lot of them? That's kind of contradictory. You probably didn't mean that, though. You might've left something out. Also, I think there should be a period after "hills," not a comma.

He tried pulling away, but Rose held on him tighter then he had been held before.
"Then" should be "than."

There were more grammar mistakes, some that I probably didn't catch, but I didn't want to point out every single one. I'll let you do some of the work on your own lol. But yeah, overall, this is a good start so far.

Oh, and I didn't catch any instances on Rory swearing until the end.

Hope this helps (and I hope it makes sense...my roommate and some friend of his is in here, so it's hard to concentrate). :)


Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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Added on May 2, 2011
Last Updated on May 4, 2011
Tags: suicide, boy, male, romance, gay, love, story


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Amund Schofield
Amund Schofield

Redwood Falls, MN



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