The Hootnorangutanius

A fantasy field guide entry detailing aspects of the mysterious Hootnorangutanius.

So as many of you know I had the pleasure of journeying to North America last year wherein I enjoyed a brief interlude working hard as a camp councillor. I’d forgotten up until now this little event ever having occurred, but upon stumbling - once again - over the fantasy field guide “Fearsome Creatures of the Lumberwoods, With a Few Desert and Mountain Beasts” by William T. Cox (Which one can find here: http://www.fearsomecreaturesofthelumberwoods.com/home.htm) I was reminded of something one of my kids told me.

 

The young chap, who was around almost nine years of age, seemed very inspired by the name of fictional creature our employer had, on several occasions, suggested roamed the forests of Missouri. As near as I can recall he called the beasty a wild “Hootnorangutanius” (/huːtnə�"ːraŋuːtaneʌs/). One evening, as my cabin was prepping to head out for our camp-out under the stars, I asked the lad what he thought of the creature. He looked at me with the look a wise scholar might give an ignorant student and proceeded to, in a very matter-of-fact kind of way, describe the creature. What follows is my edited retelling of the facts imparted to me by this young soul.

 

The wild Hootnorangutanius, one must understand, tries its hardest to remain invisible at all times. He achieves this effect through an advanced form of camouflage, the fur on his belly (for you see he is covered in long silky-down hairs from the top of his head to the pads of his feet) has a remarkable adaptive quality in that it can change to varying shades of green, brown, grey and white.

Why, you may ask, would a large mammal, such as he surely is, would the ’tanius need to remain invisible? Well, very simply, he does this for two reasons: the first is although the Hootnorangutanius is a very gentle creature, especially towards humans, he is terrified of people. A Hootnorangutanius would much rather prefer to run deep into the forested undergrowth long before a human could ever spy him out. Failing that, he would use his wonderful fur to hide against a tree or upon the sun-speckled forest floor.

The reason for this may be, is that the ol ’tanius seems to be terrified of being caught and put into a zoo, he much rather prefers the rocks, hills and wonderful limestone caves of Missouri.

The second reason the 'tanius has this almost magical camouflage ability is to help him hunt down and ambush his fearsome enemy, the bear. Be it brown or black the Hootnorangutanius has a deep seated animosity with the bear. Such a rivalry may seem strange, for there aren’t many bears in Missouri, but the truth is, the ’tanius moved into the rugged state many hundreds of years ago from more Northerly climes, seeking to avoid his old rival.

 

So how does the wily 'tanius fight this fearsome opponent?

Bears as we all know are heavy, lumbering creatures and the 'tanius is probably no larger than a meter in size. So whilst out foraging for leaves and berries (the 'tanius cannot stand the taste of meat) he listens closely with his big ears, did I mention he had very big ears? Big floppy ones, like an elephants but covered in that same soft silky-down fur. These ears are so strong they can hear the whish-whish of a butterflies wings many feet away or the sound of twigs snapping in the undergrowth. So our friend the ’tanius listens closely for the gruffling pant of the grumpy old bear, and upon hearing it, lays himself flat on his back with his arms stretched wide. Changing the fur of his belly to match the ground beneath him and he hides. The Hootnorangutanius can hide like this for hours and hours not moving a single inch, waiting, for either the bear to move away from his foraging ground or, for the bear to stand almost on top of him, when he will suddenly jump up and slash at the bears soft belly with his sharp claws.

Now, this may seem cruel to you and me, but the ’tanius is just, after all, protecting his territory, in the much the same way a lion might come and gobble you up if you had found your way into his den.

So if you should ever find yourself in the wilds of Missouri, and if you should ever fancy you hear a rushing, swishing sound through the trees or perhaps for a moment you glimpsed something you sure wasn’t there, consider yourself lucky that you’ve had a glimpse of the rare and wild Hootnorangutanius.