A Story by ~Dragon X

A pair of girls a few years apart admire a scene. Funny thing is, the beings in it aren't feeling that same awe.

     "Ah, isn't it beautiful? I'm so glad..." She spread up her arms and spread her fingers, letting the gentle, warm breeze float through each long, thin finger.
A shorter, younger sitting girl folded her arms tight and blushed. The brushing wind made her shiver. "Stop embarrassing me, Jacqueline. Put your arms down."
She only raised them higher. "How many times do I have to tell you to call me Jackie? Jackie is fine, Rosy." She plopped on the ground beside her and stretched her legs in the wild grass. Rosy folded them tight.
     Gentle, sloping hills stretched far beyond the eye could see. The scent of grass blended with the aroma of the wild flowers. The amber sun was just beginning to set, slowly sliding like a drop of honey beneath the hills. The sky was a blend of purple and blue and the moon was just beginning to show it's grey, cratery face. The only thing strange about the field was that there were no insects. Not even butterflies offered their fluttery company. This went unnoticed, of course. Not when everything else around them could show off their beauty.
     "Why do you like me so much?" Rosy inquired.
Jackie grinned cheerfully. "That's because you've done so much for me. They talk about what you've done every night in the castle among the maids! I haven't been able to do anything like that, so I try to get by. I'm going to help you as much as possible!" She sounded like a child with words of encouragement to he mother. In truth, Jacqueline was older than Rosy.
Rosy furled her brow. "I don't like talking about it much, Jacque--J--Jackie."
Jackie plucked a blade of grass and twirled it between her fingers.
Rosy ducked her head a little. "I....I'm scared."
      Jackie put an arm over her. "It's alright," she comforted. "I'll be there for you. I'll always be."
A faint smile perked Rosy's lips. "Thank you, Jackie."
They leaned close to each other, soft warmth radiating and merging. Both pairs of eyes were fixed on the round honey drop sliding beneath the hills. Like friends.
"You will always be my friend," Jackie said with a sweet smile.
A sharp pain exploded at Rosy's neck. She fell limp.
Jackie whispered, smile angelic. "Always."

© 2011 ~Dragon X

Author's Note

~Dragon X
My tab button broke. Waaah. Um, anyways, this is like my new favorite villian. The really friendly evil one. I've been trying to find a place to put that quality, and I finally did! :D Invisible applause for me. Rate please? :3

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Featured Review

Hmm... Very interesting. I like the twist at the end. :) Those types of villains always make me cringe, especially when they're making promises while they stab you in the back. Nice job. :)

OK, I have some constructive criticism for you. In your first paragraph when you say "A shorter, younger sitting girl folded her arms tight and blushed." It feels a little awkward to me. Maybe you could find some way to re-word it, like "A shorter, younger girl, who was sitting dejectedly in the grass, folded her arms tight and blushed." Doesn't have to be exact words, just something like that. :)

Second paragraph: "Not when everything else around them could show off their beauty." It may just be me, but it almost seems like you're switching tenses here. Maybe if you changed it to something like "Not when everything else around them was showing off its beauty."

Very last sentence: "Jackie whispered, smile angelic." Seems like its missing something. Maybe you could say instead "Jackie whispered, her smile angelic." Or "Jackie whispered, smiling angelically."

Other than those few little changes, I think this is great! Your descriptions are superbly vivid and make me feel like I'm there with the girls. I'm interested to see if you expound on this; make it a little longer. I think you could totally run away with this thing. :)

Great write! Keep up the good work!

Posted 8 Years Ago

1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


Hah! This was EXCELLENT!! Usually I see a twist coming, but this one caught me completely by surprise! This is my favorite type of villain as well! Completely visible applause for a superb job!

Posted 8 Years Ago

Oooooooh, did not expect that. A very good story none the less. I like it:)

Posted 8 Years Ago

Oh I did not expect that all, But I definately liked it. I thought it was just going to be a classic friendship tale, but the twist at the end made it stand out. I really did enjoy this.

Posted 8 Years Ago

I really like the friendly villian here, as you call her. they are the most terrifying. I see more to this story, or more to be told. I hope you do more on this character.

Posted 8 Years Ago

Oh dear. That last sentence was FREAKIN' AMAZING!!! GRRRRR! This is what I hate about stories! They end at the most interesting part!

Posted 8 Years Ago

So Rosy liked Jackie? I have only that question but at all I really loved it!

Posted 8 Years Ago

wow so didn't see that coming
that was a awsome write
it gave me chills in the end

Posted 8 Years Ago

yeah mine too its epic

Posted 8 Years Ago

Wow. I didn't expect that. Haha, we have the same tastes in villains. I like the ' sickly sweet ' ones. They make better villains, dontcha' ya think? They're like.. beautifully... insane!!!!!

This was a pretty good piece. There's just a few parts here in there that just don't mark up well...

- I HAD WRITTEN A WHOLE REVIEW. A LONG REVIEW. AND IT CUT IT ALLL OFFFF. I'm so sorry Sunny.. D: I'm not willing to rewrite that essay... Allen took care of some of it.. Take her advice

Posted 8 Years Ago

Wow you're pretty good. The overall storyline is great and if it were to be carried on I would definitely read it. I found mistakes but they were all pretty much pointed out by A.L Allen. *Applauses* *standing ovation* Great job in the description and everything else though! It was great!

Posted 8 Years Ago

1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

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15 Reviews
Shelved in 2 Libraries
Added on December 6, 2011
Last Updated on December 7, 2011


~Dragon X
~Dragon X

Riding Dragons, OH

hi I'm basically a ghost here now I show up once in a blue moon I'm all over this nifty lil place called wattpad now, but my writing still sucks so don't go there body, a, a:hover { cursor:url.. more..

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