September

All a true story of my life.

I remember at the beginning of the year, I thought: "Oh, this year's going to be boring without Josh or Tom here. All the guys in my class are ugly, this'll be the first year I won't have a crush."

I thought wrong.

9-14-11

Between the different classes, this year did seem pretty boring. There were new science books that were hard. We have to do a term paper this year, too.

Andrew isn't as much as a d********g as last year. He's pretty nice. Leroy and Timmy still make me feel unwanted and ugly, so those two are also who I'm avoiding this year. We also have a new principal this year. I like her more than last year's principal, though.

I haven't seen Daniel since the 4th of July. I miss him. My friends think he got adopted, but I don't know.

I forgot everything that happened in the beginning of August, so let's move onto the interesting stuff. 

During the summer, Brandon texted me. He told me that he was going to turn over a new leaf and be nicer to me this year. Well... he isn't. He's still the same old Brandon from last year. And you know what? I like it that way.

Everyone thinks me and Brandon like each other. They're right. At least, about me. Manuela thinks that we're a cute couple... (Mwahahaha.)

One time, I was packing up my backpack at school. Brandon walked behind me, I bent over to get something and knocked into my seat by accident. I turned around and saw him in my chair. We stared at each other wide-eyed and then I zoomed off to Manuela. She told me my face was red. Of course, I thought. Now I feel like I have a big a*s.

Weeks before that, in spanish, we had to describe a person and the class had to guess who it was. Brandon's turn came, and he stood in the front of the classroom. He described someone, and no one could guess who. Finally, Amanda said: "Alyssa?"

He said yes. It was me. He looked at me. I smiled, then felt myself turning red, so I looked away.

Anyway, let's cut to the chase.

One day at snack, Manuela and I were outside. I was mesmerized by my apples until I heard Manuela say: "AWWW!" And she jumped up and down.

"What?" I asked her. She took me into the bathroom with her and told me.

"I think Brandon's going to ask you out!" She said.

"Really?!" I asked.

"Yeah! I heard Brandon ask Emil: 'Should I?' And Emil said: 'Why not?'"

My stomach for butterflies. We went back outside.

"Hey, Alyssa, you want some poptarts?" Autumn offered.

"Poptarts!" I shouted. I ran over to Autumn and snatched one. The boys laughed.

"You fatty," Brandon said.

"I like my poptarts!" I said.

Then, everyone went back to their conversations.

"Hey, Alyssa!" Brandon shouted to me.

"What?" I replied.

There was a minute of procrascination, then Brandon said, "I love you!"

I stood there, staring. Then, I said, "Okay, I'm going to walk away now..." and I went inside. Manuela followed, and I heard all the boys laughing from outside.

What is this? The Josh thing all over again? I thought.

"Alyssa! You should've stayed!" Manuela said.

"I know..." I whined. Amanda came in and went over to us. "I think it was a joke," Amanda said.

"Really?" I asked.

"Yeah, 'cause they all laughed when you went inside. I think it was a 'Would You Rather' thing," Amanda said.

"Oh..." I whispered. That's it. I'm done with Brandon for the day, I had thought.

Later, after snack, we had to color a map for social studies. Mrs. Horn let us sit anywhere we wanted to. Brandon's desk next to Sierra was empty. I'll sit next to Sierra, I thought and sat in Brandon's desk. Brandon came over to get something out of his desk. I stood up, thinking he was kicking me out, and sat back in my desk.

"Wait, Alyssa, I wasn't kicking you out!" Brandon said to me.

"Whatever, I already sat down," I said.

Brandon sat in the empty desk behind me next to Andrew. "I know why, you want to sit in front of me." He laughed.

"No," I stood up, angrily, and walked back over and sat next to Sierra again.

"Oh! You SO like me!" Brandon shouted.

I ignored him and colored angrily. Why would he even like me? I thought to myself. I'm ugly. No one likes me.

Then I thought about the day before. It was picture day, so I wore my favorite dress that made me look really grown up. Everyone commented on how pretty I looked. When I had walked into the classroom, Brandon saw. His jaw dropped when he saw me, and then he had smiled.

What? He likes me because I changed over the summer? I don't want a guy who likes me for my looks, especially if I had "changed." I want a guy who likes me for who I am, my personality.

But I can't stay mad at Brandon forever, can I?

Well I didn't. And just when I thought I wasn't gonna see Daniel again, I went outside with Hannah, and he waved at me. I waved back, smiling, and then I started to show off my soccer kicks as usual. If only the basketball hoop was still up, then he could come over and play basketball with us.

He stood in front of his garage and bounced around his basketball, showing off back. I laughed.

I see him sometimes outside his house, and we always wave at each other. And then, I feel high for the rest of the day. Grrr, I wish he came over again. I love having dreams about him. They're so romantic...

And then there's the guys at Youth Group. I had to join for service hours. Merser and Connor are the best-looking ones. A different Andrew and a different Daniel are average. Autumn and I are the only girls in Youth Group. I like hanging out with the guys... they make me feel cool.

I can't do that at my school, I already made a bad impression on the guys. I feel welcomed at Youth Group. All the guys are so funny.

Merser sat across from me at the table. He's so tall, so his legs were stretched out. I kicked his foot by accident and he looked at me.

"Sorry," I said and giggled. Then, I started kicking him purposely.

"That's not nice," he laughed.

Later, during break, all the guys were doing push ups on the ground. Dang, Merser's weak. Autumn and I sat in some chairs, watched, and laughed.

"Come on, girls, why don't you do something?" Mrs. Jennifer suggested.

"Haha, no, we're good..." Autumn said.

"Come on!" Daniel said and stood up. He walked over to me and grabbed me by my shoulders. He pulled me up and walked me over to the other guys.

"He's touching me!" I whined and laughed. He let go and Mrs. Jennifer made me and Autumn do weird activities, too.

9-15-11

So for life skills, we had to make a powerpoint about ourselves. I made mine. It was fun and cool. I put a video of my friends in it from the parent meeting. I told Autumn and she thought it was bad and told me to take it down. I didn't. So she put a picture of me eating a churro in hers.

"Take it down!" I told her.

"Not until you take off the video," Autumn said.

"But the video's not embarassing! The picture is!" I said.

"What's embarassing?" Brandon asked.

"A picture of Alyssa eating a churro. It was at Ashley's party. Alyssa ate, like, five and when we got to Ashley's house, she threw up everywhere,"

Brandon laughed hard. Now he calls me churro.

When presentation day came, Autumn presented her powerpoint. I hoped she took the picture down. Everytime time she turned to a slide with pictures, I screamed.

"Oh my God, there it- oh wait, nevermind... No wait there- wait, nevermind again..... OH MY GOD, THERE IT IS!"

There it was, cropped onto only my face. Autumn pointed it out. I covered my face and sank into my chair, while everyone laughed.

"You're not mad at me, are you?" Autumn asked while we were going to lunch.

"Nah, it's fine," I said, casually. It'll only get stuck with me for the rest of the year! I thought.

Before that, boys from soccer were getting called out one by one into the hall with Mrs. Horn. So, that meant we had some time to talk before the teacher came back.

I usually look at people's eyes when they talk. So, when Emil was talking, I noticed his eyebrows kind of connecting in the middle.

I giggled. "Emil, you're forming a unibrow!"

"No, I'm not!" Emil said as he felt the spot inbetween his to eyebrows.

"Well, you're forming an ostritch!" Andrew said to me.

No... not the ostritch thing again.

Apparently, when I run, I run with my head out in front, with my body bent over like an ostritch. And guess what I found out? My dad did the same thing, and he was made fun of, too, when he was younger.

I hate running now. At the same time, I don't want to walk slowly or anything. That's why I never try out for sports. I would LOVE to be a cheerleader. I would...... if I could. Now that's a secret that I don't want to explain.

For the rest of the day, everyone made fun of me about churros. Now it's getting annoying. Okay, so maybe I'm a little mad. I just don't want the ostritch thing to come back.

9-16-11

Okay. Yeah. Churro is really getting old already. I mean, the actual thing happened two years ago! SHUT UP!

Anyway, so nothing interesting happened today. I had to sit next to Brandon today in Church. But he kept calling me a churro, so I switched spots with Autumn and avoided him for the rest of the day. I can't believe I'm saying this but... Brandon's kind of getting annoying. He's barely mature about me. I only get a serious conversation with him only once a month.

See, Daniel, from my neighborhood, is nice to me. I don't like him for his looks. I like him for his personality...

And you know when you really like a guy and you have dreams about him? I NEVER have dreams about Brandon. They're always about Daniel or Josh, even though I'm WAY over Josh.

I mean, it's alright for a guy to make fun of you a couple of times, but it's EVERYDAY Brandon does it. No matter how much Brandon and I look like a cute couple, I don't think he's the right guy for me.

9-19-11

There was a party at my house. Daniel from next door was there. There was a bed... in my living room? He layed down on it, because he was tired. I sat next to him and we talked. Eventually, I layed down, too, next to him. We looked at each other. We leaned in... but I turned away, embarrassed.

"I don't know how to kiss," I had said.

"It's okay," Daniel said and smiled.

I woke up. It was only a dream.

Just when I thought my life couldn't get any worse, guess who showed up to visit today?

No. You're wrong.

JOSH.

When I saw him I was like, "What... the hell?" Yeah. I wasn't happy to see him. I was actually PISSED to see him. And of course, everyone was being a frikin spazz, so it made everything worse. I was trying to be normal so he could see the real me, but instead I looked like a b***h the whole time.

Sorry for my foul language, but anyway.

Even Josh was being more mature then the other guys, and he's the one I HAD a crush on! I couldn't STAND it today! Okay, so I was only phased by Josh once, but I'm still over him. I'm never gonna see him again, anyway! Andrew sat there at lunch staring at me with that little smirk on his face, because Josh was sitting over there. I wanted to charge him down and nail him in the face!

I had it with Brandon, too, today!

"Brandon, I like talking to you, but if it's always gonna be this way, then I'm now gonna talk to you anymore. I'm sick of it," and I walked away. BOOM! Two sentences said. He must've finally got a frikin clue. I like Brandon for his personality, not his looks. I'm not even sure if I even like Brandon anymore...

9-20-11

Sitting in my room, pissed. I went outside and saw Daniel again. We met eye contact a couple of times or so, but then I had to go inside. Of course. Dinner wasn't even ready yet! GRRR. I know it's not right, but I hate my mother sometimes.

But Daniel lies about his age...

Everytime he lies about his age, he makes himself older. 15, 16, 17. What if he's lying to be too old for me so we can't date? What if he always just waves at me as a neighbor? Blah, I don't know... He's like my dream boy, though.

Anyway, my sister might get into this big chorus thing at her school, and I'm kind of mad. She can do everything that I can't. My only talent that I have that she doesn't have is singing. She's bad at it. Oh gawd, she's singing right now. I want to beat her at something. I at least want one talent that she doesn't have, besides video making.

I just want someone to be proud of me of something instead of my sister all the time. I don't want to be that "lazy fat a*s" on the computer anymore.

9-21-11

Have you ever wished that one day, when you woke up, you would have a perfect body and a perfect life and a perfect everything? Yeah, I have.

Anyway, yesterday my dad asked me if I was really emo. Psh, of course not! I just wear black all the time, whisper death words under my breath, and avoid contact with my family all day. Yeah... you think about that.

So for the past three days, I've been checking out a certain someone...

I have a confession to make.

I think I like Emil...

He's adorable, funny, and serious at moments. Everything you could want in a guy. But... I'm not sure if he likes me back. He might still like Manuela...

Today I told Luis I thought he wasn't too bad looking. I mean really, he not ugly. I don't like him (HELL NO), but he's not ugly.  Now, I wish someone said that to me. 

9-22-11

Am I annoying? No? How about weird? Goth? Emo?

Insults. To me, at least.

Have you ever wondered what a guy sees or thinks when he looks at you?

I have. And I think I know.

All the guys like Autumn, Sierra, Amanda, and Manuela! I'm just that weird, annoying, goth girl that used to like Josh. I don't want to be remembered as that. I don't want to be remembered as the girl who used to freak out around Josh, or that girl with "the socks", or the girl who has virtual boyfriends.

No.

I know it's right to be yourself, but everytime I am, no one accepts me.

I mean sure, I won't always get the guy I want, but I at least want a decent guy to like me, or make a good comment on my talents or how I look that day.

Tomorrow there's a dance. I'll have fun there.

Everyday's a new day, right?

9-23-11

3:24 PM

Yup, new day indeed. I've been talking to Emil more. He thinks I still like Brandon. Only Autumn knows who I truly like...

Anyway, the dance is today. No one asked me. Eh, whatever, I don't have time for that crap. I have no idea what to wear, though. The dance is at a different school. Usually I get bad at luck that school's dance...

Like one time, I used to be obsessed with Andrew. Like, love obsessed. It was bad. But the Josh thing was worst. Anyway, and I never got to slow dance with him. So I almost cried.

I know what you're thinking.

"Wtf, over that d********g?!"

I agree.

Anyway, and another thing that happened was: there's this dance called the shoe dance. The DJ picks if the girls or boys throw one of their shoes into a pile. So, he picked the girls to. So I threw my shoe in and all the boys surrounded the pile of shoes and dived for a shoe. When they pick your shoe, you have to slow dance with them.

I'm hopping around on one foot, waiting for a boy to pick my shoe. No one does. I hopped all over the place for nothing!

Another thing that happened was: It was the shoe dance again, so I tried again. A boy picked my shoe this time. He was okay-looking.

So we're slow dancing, and ohmygawd, he's a moron. I have my arms around his neck, and HE puts ONE hand on my SHOULDER. So at first I'm thinking, "Wtf?!"

WAIT! It gets better!

His buddy comes over, laughs, and nudges him. Then he motions my dude to follow him. You know what that retard does? HE WALKS AWAY FROM ME!

He's gone, and I'm standing there alone like an idiot! He ditched me! So you know what I did? Next time I saw him, I flipped him off and walked away.

Rude, I know.

Well, let's see how this dance goes.

6:12 PM

Almost time to leave for the dance. I look okay.

Shirt: White with navy blue stripes lowcut from Hollister, tanktop under.

Pants: Dark jeans.

Shoes: White flats

Accessories: Silver chain bracelet with dangling heart, silver hoop earrings.

Face: Light eye shadow, black mascara, (wanted eyeliner), light pink lip gloss.

A little nervous. But I'm gonna have fun, right?

8:46 PM

Manuela found out I like Emil. I might ask him to dance soon. Scared, what if rejects me?

I've only been flirting with him so... wish me luck!

9:16 PM

"Hey, Emil, you wanna dance?" I asked.

He rolled his eyes and gave his phone to Aaron. "Sure, I guess," he said and stood up. So tall.

"You don't have to..." I said.

"I don't care," he said.

I walked to a spot and he followed. Waaa, I hate myself.

I put my arms around his neck, he put his arms around my waist.

It was going well until Timmy came. Timmy. That name. Rawr. RAWR. Grrr!!! What a f*****g d********g...

Aha, anyway...

So Tim comes over, makes a heart with his hands, and says, "You guys are in love!"

"Oh, whatever, Tim!" Emil said. He let go of me and walked away. I stood there.

What the HELL just happened? Of course. Me, right? Why me? Because I'm ugly. I'll never get my dream guy.

Why can't I have hair like Manuela? The eyes of Autumn? Sierra's dance moves! Or Amanda's personality?!

Why do I have to be the ugliest girl in the class? Why do I have to be dorky around guys? Why do I have to react annoyingly against "jokes"?

Why me?

So many questions.

I wish they were answered.

Author's Note

Reviews, please?

Reviews

[lovely-livia]

oh peppy! just so ya know your amazing just the way you are! lol

[Kayla]

Awww they are all Gay fawkers. Poor you! You should Slap Brandon for being a Jerk!

[EllaLurve]

OMFG. They are all man w****s!!!! :O No one can get into the f*****g brain of a dude. I think it's because they don't have one. 'Scuse mai French x3. This is why I don't date -.-

[May]

Aww i feel so sad. :( it will be ok.... i hope. gosh this is so likek sad. im so sorry about your life. i feel like crying.

[May]

i know a andrew. yes he is mean