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"Ochi"

"Ochi"

A Story by E.L.C.
"

In loving memory of a friend. He drowned two weeks before his 19th birthday while swimming in a reservoir. No one knows what happened, one minute he was fine and the next he was gone.

"

    Everyone had lined up along the wharf’s railing, each consumed in their own individual shadow of grief. The dikes expanded before them, the slick mud gently glistening in the muted lights from the lamp posts. The town slept behind them, consumed in a thick mist. Despite it being June, the weather was unseasonably cold and the wind seemed to drive it right down to the bone. She inhaled the salty air deep into her lungs, and tried to silence the turbulent rumblings within her mind. She was glad the tide was out so he would not be lost to the swirling black depths again just yet. The ashes seemed like a leaden weight in her hand. The fine powder had started sifting between the cracks in her fingers and tried to escape on the wind. She had never held someone’s remains before. She was surprised by how silky the ashes felt, she had expected them to be more...granular. She had, however, encountered death before but had been too young to understand or appreciate its significance. How could a young man of six feet and four inches, weighing over 200 pounds be reduced to a 6 pound pile of soot? All his cells, muscles, tissues, bones, organs... Everything that made Ochi, Ochi, was now just... dust. Her hands started to sweat and she could feel him clinging to her dampened palms. She had no words, only phantom emotions which refused to be fully realized. She opened her hand and watched as he drifted towards the rusty mud of the bay. She looked at her hand and examined the white cracks of ash still clinging to her palm. No matter how much she rubbed away at them afterwards, the tiny creases remained.

© 2015 E.L.C.


Author's Note

E.L.C.
I had another version of this story published in Estuary Arts Magazine Edition 12.1 in 2009. My earlier version had a lot of grammatical issues--I am certain there are probably some in this one too--but the tense and perspective is a lot better now. This is intended to be a flash fiction and is only 300ish words in length.

My Review

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Featured Review

Very good! It is very sad how the person drowned and died at such a young age. I'm sorry to hear it :( The piece itself is good, the flow and word choice were great. I didn't notice any errors in your grammar or spelling, so good job! It's a depressing, yet interesting perspective on the situation and I'm not surprised to hear that it was published in a magazine. It is very good. Great work and keep writing! :)

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

E.L.C.

4 Years Ago

Thank you Ryan! I don't want to say I am glad it made you sad--but I am glad that it was effective. .. read more



Reviews

Sad, but amazing. I loved it

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Wow. I don't even know where to start. This flowed beautifully and even made me shed a few tears. I didn't see any grammatical errors or any others for that matter. I could just imagine the scene. Your details and word choice really added to the overall tone and mood of the story. I'm sorry for your loss, no matter how long ago it happened. Let him rest in peace.

Posted 4 Years Ago


E.L.C.

4 Years Ago

Thank you so much for your kinds words and condolences. This piece was a journey to write and took a.. read more
Very good! It is very sad how the person drowned and died at such a young age. I'm sorry to hear it :( The piece itself is good, the flow and word choice were great. I didn't notice any errors in your grammar or spelling, so good job! It's a depressing, yet interesting perspective on the situation and I'm not surprised to hear that it was published in a magazine. It is very good. Great work and keep writing! :)

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

E.L.C.

4 Years Ago

Thank you Ryan! I don't want to say I am glad it made you sad--but I am glad that it was effective. .. read more
Absolutely stunning work. The narrative is very well-paced, and has a lovely balance of imagery and realistic description. You mentioned grammatical errors, but I only found one: "She had never encounter death before, at least not since she was too young to understand or appreciate its significance." It should read encountered. Well done!

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

E.L.C.

4 Years Ago

Thank you so much! I really appreciate your feedback and I have made the edit. I knew there would be.. read more

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246 Views
4 Reviews
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Added on February 28, 2015
Last Updated on March 22, 2015
Tags: flash fiction, death, grief

Author

E.L.C.
E.L.C.

Somewhere Beneath all the Snow, Canada



About
I have a Bachelor of Arts with a Minor in English, and have worked as an academic tutor in English since 2009. I have had some flash fiction and poetry published over the years, while also dabbling in.. more..

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