The Sparkin' to Life of a Frankenstein Monster

We should all be very careful of the monsters we may choose to create.....

“Ralph, hand me that Right Leg, would ya’”, Waldo pointed to the fly ridden and bloodied wooden table against the dank and dirty garage wall.

“Okey dokey, Waldo.”  When Ralph got up to the table, he turned and said peevishly, “Looky here, have ya’ got anything I can pick this this ole leg up with, Waldo.  It’s gittin’ a little foul lookin’ and smellin’, if you git my drift.”

“You are such a little cry baby sometimes, Ralph.  Grab those ole paper towels in the corner there with the yella’ butterflies on ‘em if you’re so afraid of gittin’ your grubby hands any grubbier,” Waldo said sourly.

Ralph wrapped the severed leg up in the butterfly paper towels the best he could, and holding it stiffly away from his own body, and trying not to breathe, he carried it over to the large metal table Waldo was working at under the large florescent lamp, “Here ya’ go, Waldo.  Hoo-wee, that there light surely does give off a lot of heat.”

“More heat than all of your brain cells put together you leatherhead,” Waldo snapped.  “Now, hand that Right Leg over to me so I can sew it up onto the Torso here.”

Ralph did as he was ordered, and examined the Torso as Waldo took the stinking and decomposing Right Leg out of his arms.  “Hey, this here Torso belonged to a fella’ that had an innie for a belly button.”

“You beat all I have ever heard or seen, Ralph,” Waldo said shaking his head disapprovingly.

“Well,” Ralph said smiling widely, “I’ll take that as a compliment, Waldo.”

“You do that, Ralph,” Waldo quipped shortly. “And while I start stitchin’ the leg on, you go on over and git the Left Leg and bring it on over to this table.  This corpse is really startin’ to become mighty odoriferous.  We’ve got to speed things up.  So, I’m gonna’ have you sew the Left Leg on.”

“What ?  I don’t even know how to sew, Waldo.  In fact, I didn’t even know what you were up to until I got over here.  And I must admit that I still do not understand what you’re doin’ or even if I agree with it,” Ralph said brusquely. “Where did you git all of these body parts from anyways ?  And what are you doin’ with ‘em.”

“I am makin’ a Frankenstein Monster, Ralph.  And I stole all of these body parts from different pauper’s graves around these parts, because nobody cares about homeless nobody’s,” Waldo explained.

“Well, parts is parts, I’ll give ya’ that, Waldo, but monster makin’ is another thing all together,” Ralph said emphatically.  “You have been watchin’ too much t.v. for your own good if you ask me.  It’s the devil’s b**b tube.  The preacher says so all the time, which is kinda funny, ‘cause he’s got his own local t.v. show early every Sunday mornin’.  I guess it’s just one of God’s mysteries that only the preacher and God understand.”

Waldo stared at Ralph in disbelief for a brief moment. “Yeah, that’s it, Ralph.  And this is one of God’s and Life’s little mysteries, too.  Now, watch me finish stitchin’ up this Right Leg, and you’ll know just what to do with yours.  Just think of it like puttin’ fine line on one of your fishin’ hooks.”

“Well, alright.  But I’m still uneasy about this whole thing, I don’t mind tellin’ ya’. And why are you makin’ a Frankenstein monster, Waldo ?” Ralph asked.

“I’m puttin’ this creature together out of plain ole Curiosity and the pure joy of doin’ it, Ralph.  This here Frankenstein is a Social Experiment,” Waldo said proudly.

“How do you plan on bringin’ this thing to life ?  And do you plan on putyin’ a head on it ?” Ralph asked.

“Of course, I do.  The two heads are on top of a big hunk of ice in that ‘ole beat up styrofoam ice chest over there in the corner.  And I’m sparkin’ this critter to life with the high powered, gas generator right behind ya.  I’ve already got the battery cables from my ‘ole Ford pickup hooked up to the generator,” Waldo explained. “As soon as we finish stitchin’ the legs on, and I decide which head to put on top of ‘ole Frankenstein here, we’ll juice him up and see what happens from there.”

“Sounds like a plan, Waldo,” Ralph said as he watched Waldo complete the rough and ragged stitching of the Right Leg onto the monster’s torso. 

“Why did you dig up two heads, Waldo ?  Are you experimentin’ with that ole sayin’ that ‘two heads are better than one’ ?”

“Ralph, sometimes you are such a knucklehead !”  Waldo exclaimed.  “No, this monster’s only gettin’ one head.  I just wanted to be able to choose.  If we can actually spark him to life, and the first head we put on him doesn’t work that well, then we’ve got another chance to upgrade him.”

“Well, I guess that makes sense, since you can’t really git a warranty on him.  But won’t you have to kill him to git the other head onto him ?”  Ralph asked.

Waldo stopped dead in his tracks.  He was slack jawed and had taken on a sickly pallor. “Well now, I hadn’t thought of it in quite that way before.  When I was dreamin’ all of this Social Experiment up, I was just caught up in all the problem solvin’ and logistics of it all.”

“Don’t worry about it, Waldo,” Ralph said consolingly. “I’m sure the first head will work just fine.  And then I can help you teach the monster to walk and talk, and how to survive in the woods and play dominoes and checkers…”

“Wait a minute,” Waldo interrupted. “Wait a minute.  I’ve gotta’ really think about this.  I was so fixed on how I was gonna’ put this Frankenstein together, and stealin’ the body parts, and gittin’ the generator rigged up to juice it to life, and watchin’ how Peg stitched our clothes together, and keepin’ folks outta’ my garage, that I didn’t think about what I would do with the monster if I brought it to life.”

“How could you not think about those things, Waldo ?”  Ralph asked gently.  “Seems to me, they’re the most important questions of all to ask and answer about this whole Social Experiment of yours.”

“I mean, after all you’ll be responsible for it.  So, you gotta’ give it a home and teach it how to behave like a good and civilized Frankenstein monster,” Ralph added. “Otherwise you really will have a genuine monster on your and everybody else’s hands around here.  Or were you plannin’ on cagin’ it up like a rabid dog, and tryin’ to keep it a secret for the rest of your life ?  Surely, not. ‘Cause that would be the ruination of the both of ya’.”

Waldo began wiping blood and gore from his hands. “Ralph, I take back every mean word I have uttered against you.  Quick, help me drag this patchwork corpse and all of its other loose parts together onto the rain tarp I took off of the chicken coop last weekend.  We’re gonna wrap this thing up, throw it into the back of the pickup, and bury it deep in the woods at the back of the property.”

“What’s made you change your mind, Waldo ?  You were dead set to git this Frankenstein monster made and juiced up,” Ralph asked as he helped Waldo drag the Headless Torso with lifeless arms and one leg over to the tarp. “I’ll run back over for the Left Leg as soon as we git this heavy, stinkin’ bag of worms meat onto the tarp.”

“You made me realize that I hadn’t thought this whole thing through.  I don’t mind creatin’ the thing and havin’ fun with it, but I do not want to be a Frankenstein monster’s daddy or monster-sitter.  And how in the world would I explain everything to Peg and the children ?  Can you imagine invitin’ company over to eat and havin’ to explain ‘guess what’s comin’ for dinner’ ?” Waldo said breathlessly due to his agitation and excessive physical labor.  The partially made monster was very heavy.

“No, can’t say as I can.  Guess you coulda’ told everyone it was a Halloween autobot or somethin’ of that high tech nature,” Ralph answered seriously.

Waldo resisted his old habit of saying something nasty and sarcastic to Ralph, and instead said, “Ralph, you’re a good friend, Buddy.”

“Are you sayin’ that to git me the dig the grave for this Frankenstein monster all by my lonesome, while you sit and give the orders, the way you usually do ?’  Ralph asked as he and Waldo threw two shovels and heavy picks into the back of the pickup.

“Oh stop your complainin’ and hop into the truck.” Waldo growled good naturedly.  “We gotta git this done, and the garage straightened up, before Peg and the kids git home from her mama’s.”

“Well, let’s git to it, Waldo.” Ralph sighed.  “It isn’t every day I git invited to the near life and death experience of reburyin’ already dead Frankenstein monster parts.”