The Girl Who Crossed The Road

Death, Girl, Road

I saw a little girl,
A little girl who'd cut her knee,

A little girl with a sad frown on her face,
A girl who looked like me.

The little girl who had hurt herself,
Went looking for her mum,

The little girl who'd hurt her knee
While playing and having fun.

The mother of the injured child,

Was nowhere to be found,

She wasn't there for the little girl,

As she fell to the ground.

As the girl went searching,

I stared and a crow crowed,
As the little girl went skipping, 
Across the busy road.

I smiled at the girl sadly,
As she turned her head,
The lorry was coming quickly,

Within seconds she was dead.

The little girl with pigtails in her hair,
The girl with the cut knee,
The girl now lay in the road,
That little girl was me.

Reviews

[emipoemi]

right from the first stanza, it was relatively evident that the poem was going to have that ending. So ensuring that every other line is equally as brilliant is imperative. You have an intriguing premise in this piece - a premise that really lures and hooks - but the execution fell a bit flat in the middle. You start beautifully and have some quality lines as the poem progresses, but the overall charm is not packing the right punches as you're missing the drops. You have the setups, but you don't really follow through with any of them, and on top of that, the musicality isn't as seamless as it appears.

Forgive my harshness, if I seemed so, I just want to help. For I do think you have something good here.....it's just not yet there. Great start.

[Emrick]

Interesting,sad and funny.

[The Rock And Roll Cowbo..]

quite an interesting piece... there are a few things to take from this, like there is always risk in living and that sometimes we are on our own even when we don't want to be.