Mortal Man

Wanted this one to be really lyrical and technical... you decide if it passes or fails

I'm a self loathing narcissist 
Maybe I deserve a dose of arsenic 
I'm an useless worthless carcass
usually a valuable usable egotistic
Sometimes a sadistic masochist
I'm an over competent simpleton 
Maybe even a talentless prodigy 


Either way my thoughts gather
I often wonder about myself
As uncertainty looms closely
Staring at me, taunting me 
Harassing me, stalking me
Beating me, torturing me
As I stand still in pain
I lay just as stiff in agony
I can't help but wonder
What is in store for me
What does my future hold
No more I can take
No more I can stand


Either way my thoughts disband
I never worry about the future
As the world blooms freely
Studying me, examining me
Teaching me, educating me
Learning me, tutoring me
As I stand in glee
I roam free in elation 
I can't help but wonder 
What else is in store for me
What more does the future hold
Only more blitheness I can take
Only more happiness I can stand

Author's Note

What do you think?

Reviews

[Ana Papaya]

I thought it was great. I like the progression from dark to light and I thought it had a bit of attitude in the end. The only suggestion would to change 'I'm an...' to 'I'm a...' In the third line.

[Ashley]

Seems nice not what I expect. Think it could have been bettet

[Jack Kennedy]

Enlighten me, how Could it have been better?

[Gabby Nieves]

Loved it, the rhyme scheme throughout the poem, the imagery, it's all so brilliant I tell you. I love reading your work and honestly you don't get enough reviews. It seems only the s****y writers with big tits get noticed on here lol oops. Anyways, I'm a big fan.

[Jack Kennedy]

Lol the bluntness is true tho. but i thank you for the review! its always appreciated

[Jennie Baron]

That first stanza is inspired. I loved the "self-loathing narcissist" part. And the last two stanzas are very well constructed with repetitive, rhythmic phrases tying them together. Great writing, Jack!

[Jack Kennedy]

I'm so sorry I thought I responded to you already, I appreciate your review!! As always its great hearing your opinion as i truly value it believe it or not.

[Jennie Baron]

Thank you, Jack; I certainly value your poetry. I'm glad you responded because I'm contemplating turning off read requests, and if I do, I want you to know that you're still welcome to message me if you have some poem you want me to see.

[Jack Kennedy]

I hope everything is okay, i certaintly will do! And thank you again. Take Care

[Jennie Baron]

Oh, everything's fine! I just feel a need to minimize my online contacts, I have a lot on my plate. Some of my online relationships with other writers seem kind of one-sided, if you get my drift.

[Jack Kennedy]

I definitely understand that and I'm glad that you're doing so, i feel its one sided on my part as well I'm sorry for that.

[Jennie Baron]

Nothing to be sorry for. I'm not a prolific poet. I just know some writers who are sending out RRs every couple days and they will acknowledge reviews with only a thank you if that much.

[Jack Kennedy]

Ah okay thats a different story, i try not to do that. well I'm glad you're getting to the bottom of this and tightening your contacts.

[Kasey Miriam]

I like this. Format is good the flow is great, but I really love the realistic irony. Very well done.

[Jack Kennedy]

I thank you very much for the review Its all well appreciated and welcomed. Take Care