PONDERING MY LIFE AND LOVE

 

 

Many nights I lie awake, alone and musing, so I decided to write it down. I have often wondered over the years why I have gotten into so many relationships where I was hurt. Since God is love and I have chosen to allow Him to flow through me to others I shouldn't be hurt. Right? Unfortunately I am still human and too often I let myself and my own heart and desires get in the way. The Lord has granted me a lot of emotional healing but there is some scar tissue that remains. At times I still have trouble trusting that someone can really care for me with no ulterior motives. That is something I learned very early in life, and it is hard to let go of that insecurity which stems from so much abuse.

 

I asked the Lord to teach me how to love because I grew up in a very disfunctional family. Well His love flowing through me can be really intense. Maybe it is that intensity that frightens people, or maybe my need starts to surface and that scares them more. All I really know is that I tend to attract people who are even more insecure than I am. Maybe that's because I can relate to their hurt and know that they really need to experience love with no ulterior motives thus I let love flow freely and non-demanding. The Lord's love can penetrate the toughest of shells, and heal the hurt that others have caused.

 

But it would be so nice to not have to scale walls ALL the time. I know too well how lonely it is to live within those self erected walls and I pray that I will never be able to rebuild any of the ones I had. Still reaching out to other hurting souls can be draining at times as I actually do feel their pain, both physical and especially their emotional pain.

 

Having survived so much turmoil in my own life, I tend to pick up on other's needs and try too hard to reassure them; often putting their wants ahead of my own needs, instead of just putting their needs ahead of my wants. This is not always good. The lines can get blurred and in a moment of reaching out, I can easily cross a line which is better for all if it is not crossed. Over-stepping that boundary can really mess things up. Compassion and passion can get confused. Thank God, He is still teaching me and He still loves through me even when I get in the way.

 

But I have caused myself so much pain by forgetting that most of the ones the Lord loves through me are only here for a season. I am a foul-weather friend as opposed to a fair-weather one. Once they begin to lower their walls and learn to receive love, they are strengthened by it and eventually they will move on. I don't get angry because deep down I know that it is what they need to do. Still I have cried rivers over seperating from them because very often they move many miles away and we lose touch. Yet years later when I have heard from them the friendship, love and excitement is still very much alive, as if I had seen them only yesterday.

 

Sometimes I tire of scaling walls or helping to tear them down only to watch someone else reap the benefit of it. Yet I know this is one of the jobs the Lord has ordained for me to do and He blesses me and them. Even though some may think me a fool, I refuse to shut up my heart or erect a dam to control or stop the river of love which flows through it. I know that in solitude with the Spirit, I will be renewed and refreshed. Maybe someday I will learn to let go without so many tears. But even Jesus wept, so I know I am in good company.

 

I have been blessed with the knowledge that this is one of the reasons I was created and a purpose for my life. Therefore, I pray that when my time on earth is up, my eulogy will simply be "She loved."  And I also pray that by then, I will have finally learned to stay out of Christ's way, and let Him show through so that someone will have recognized that the difference in me was and is Jesus.

Reviews

[The Rock And Roll Cowbo..]

You really gave us quite a perspective on your deepest emotions... I think you were able to talk a lot out in this piece... I think you have something on attracting people more insecure... that can be a bond unspoken whether we see it or not... and yes the more hurt you get by love the harder it is to find a healthy relationship because your trust is damaged from the start... the key is you have the love of the Lord and with that you can't go wrong. Thank you so much for sharing this part of your life with us, I think anyone who reads this can learn something bout themselves.

[Manyfacets]

I can't say anything that your other readers haven't said already. The honest open approach here is refreshing and heartfelt. I see how it may be a great help to others who may be seeking answers to similar questions so close to home. The presentation is second to none, it flows so well while holding the readers interest. This is an excellent write, and I thoroughly enjoyed the read. Thanks for posting. Smiles to you.
Brenda.

[Anita B Jacques]

Hello my dear dear friend. I'm one of those your are helping. I will not walk away, I want to stay close to the light. Your Spirit is so strong, when you write He writes through you, you strive to perfect, it's a good thing, remember only Our Father is Perfect. I'm pondering my life also, right now I can't write 2 lines together, reviews I can do, a good word and God's Blessing, are my tiny helpful ways, and I offer up my emotional and physical pain, for God to use as he pleases. You are so Strong Ellen you are helping more then you know, an example to us, so fortunate we are to have your writing to help us along. Thank you my sweet dear friend for your awesome write. God Bless
Hugs and Love....Annie

[Anthony M Smith Jr]

Awesome! Too give yourself on behalf of your belief is the ultimate sacrifice. I have witnessed many human beings proclaim to have the true faith in God and at the same time they worry what others may think. Un-conditional love for God and you will be able to love anyone even your enemies. I have been taught through trial and error many times and to learn something without effort is a true blessing! Thank you for sharing your self. I am very honored to be your friend. Pray for me and I will do the same for you and yours. My only request is to be able to say and do the right things. Light and Life to you and yours!
TT-TTO-NI-K
Elk

[~*~Peace Keeper~*~]

Wow i love this...the whole thing speaks the truth. Sometimes it is hard to put your feelings aside to help others..but like you said i think that is needed...so they can see the love of God. No one said it would be easy, but one day you will be rewarded on what you've done here on earth
Great Job

[Rick Puetter]

Dear Ellen,

A beautiful and clearly heartfelt write. I am glad that you have found the comfort that your beliefs obviously give you and I hope you will succeed in your further aspirations. Personally, with the great love and care for others that you already show, I think you will most certainly succeed.

Very best regards,

Rick

[Sheila Kline]

You have certainly poured out your heart and soul, as well as so warmly and lovingly described devotion to your friends, but most of all to our Lord, Jesus Christ! You have gained so much insight through your intense sufferings, but you are able to lay it all down at the feet of Jesus as your allow Him to flow through you, to minister through you.

Many of us can give you thanks and be honored to call you "friend"! You are a rare jewel who takes your needs and places them aside to help others...just as Jesus calls you to do! I am sure in the end, you shall face Him, and hear the words, "Well done, my faithful servant"!

God bless you dearest Ellen!

[Mark]

A tremendously moving write, my friend, right from the heart. I was especially taken with the lines, "Put their wants ahead of my needs, rather than their needs ahead of my wants.", and, "I will have finally learned to stay out of Christ's way." From time to time I have thought that that is what this entire life's journey is about: learning to see Christ's hand in things, and seeing it, to get out of His way and let it work as it was intended! I am so blessed that Christ's hand has tenderly placed you within my life, Ellen. Be happy! Be well!

[BABSIE BEE]

Thank you dear Ellen for sharing this most personal story. I of course know a lot of it by now, but never will I get over what you have been through, both emotionally and physically. You are probably the strongest human I know....yes even sitting in your wheelchair. I pray for you always.....but you know that also !! You must give yourself some credit where it is most definately due. You are a faithful servant of God. Anyone would be proud to have you as their friend....just as I am !!
Chin up...as per....I hope it won't be too long before you are sitting comfortably in your own home again.
It is great using this piece as therapy. There is nothing better than to get it out, and release.
Thanks again.
God Bless you
Babsxxx

[Lizanne]

Again you write from the heart. You are a very wise and giving person. I have always heard that God put each of us here for a purpose. You seem to have found yours, while many are still floundering about. Maybe that is part of what you are not recognizing, you may have helped some to find their purpose. This is a wonderful writing that shows one guided by the heart. When you arrive at the gates, God will certainly tell you,"Job well done, now come on in and rest. You have a group of friends, that you helped along the way, waiting to share with you for eternity." The trials you encountered along the way made you a much stronger person, gaining through them the insight to help others. You just forget to use that insight on yourself and continue to freely give. Save a morsel for yourself, you deserve it!