Chapter 1

Chapter 1~

So, yet again, there are some new people moving in next door. No one seems to stay in that house for more than a few months, by a few months I mean a year. The house itself is Tudor. Beautifully designed with a mixture of materials such as: Timber, clay, intertwined sticks and painted with lime wash to make the clay appear white in colour. The beams were coated in tar back in the day, to help prevent rot from eating away at the wood. Sitting on the wall above the front door is a carved plaque, with the date 1530 on it. I have noticed it several times while walking past. I have heard rumours that the house is haunted, but none of that s**t scares me. I am not a believer. Never have been, never will be. I remember when I was the age of ten, me and a friend broke into the house, as nobody lived in it, and we just wanted to see what the inside was like. See if it was like mine. It looks it from the outside.......

~Flash back~

It was a hot summers day, and my friend Tammy and I were on our way to buy some of our favorite sweets from the local shop, which sat at the end of the street. As we walked in the warm sunlight, we chatted away about our other friends and how much we hated school. We got so carried away with the conversation, that we nearly walked into a big, fat tree!

When we arrived at the shop, just minutes later, we stepped through the door and were surprised to find the elderly shop keeper greeting us with open arms. To us, he was like an adopted grandfather. Happily, we grabbed our sweets, paid and ran out, eager to get back home to indulge in our treasure.

Walking back took only a few minutes, but instead of heading to my home, we found ourselves approaching the house next door. Amazed by the beautifully carved wooden door, something seemed to call to us to take a closer look.

Running our fingers over the door, we found ourselves distracted. A cough broke the silence and brought my friend and I back to reality. We turned round to find an old woman, just starring at us with her evil looking jet black eyes. After she had gone, we ventured round to the rear end of the house. The back garden. It was huge, half the size of a football pitch. Long, green, shiny grass glowed in the sun, covering all of the garden. Suddenly, there was a smash behind us. We tuned to find a smashed window.

I immediately ran over to the smashed window, and peered in. I recognised it straight away to be the kitchen. The high celling, making the room look bigger than it actually was. It wasn't a huge room, but it was big enough.

“Hey Tammy, come take a look at this!” I screamed.

Tammy quickly ran over to me, and placed he hands on the small wooden window sill. We stood still, in a gaze for what seemed like hours, but infact was only a couple of minutes.

“Let's go in! Come'on, follow me !” Tammy whispered in excitement.

Tammy then jumped through the broken window, and landed on her bum on the other side. I then followed her, unsure of my own feelings and emotions. I to fell through the window. As I stood up, the shear size of the kitchen stunned me. It was bigger than I first thought. In each corner, stood a beautifully hand carved pillar, running straight up to the celling, each of them meeting in the middle of the studiedly high celling. I felt like an ant. The far wall in front of us, was taken up by a huge stone fireplace. Each of the walls were half sand coloured stone with the top half made out of planks of dark brown coloured wood. Above the fireplace there were two shelves, full of white decorative plates. About forty in total. The wall to the left of us was the preping area, which consisted of one large wooden counter, too dark brown in colour. Little wooden shelves and cupboards, lined the wall. Old silver jugs and cups lined each shelf, and above the cupboards, were some hooks, each with bronze coloured bans on them. The wall to the wall to the right seemed identical to the left. The wall behind us was a huge wooden window, once again, dark brown in colour. To the centre of the room stood a huge wooden table, an old style black stove and a big mixing pot, which I had never seen anything like it before. In the mixing pot was an old, rotting wooden spoon. On the table stood all different types of bronze cutlery. Rusty. On the huge black stove were a couple of bronze pans. Each with lids. On the fire place wall, there was an arch with a door. So Tammy and I slowly made our way over to the closed door, and slowly opened it.

The door opened to reveal an impressive living room. It was roughly the same size as the kitchen. The walls were top to bottom in dark wood, with a huge fire place on the wall to our left. Right next to the door, which led us back to the kitchen. Just above the fire place was a hand made, stone art work of a young, slim lady, sat under a tree. Sand in colour and very large. Brown beams ran across the celling, meeting in the middle, where a iron chandelier, Rusty due to age. Flowers and swirls decorated the chandelier, and also, six cream coloured candles. On the far wall in front of us was an old wooden chest. The wood appeared to be oak, but I wasn't sure at the time. Next to the chest was a large, what looked like a throne of some sort, with a cream cushion to sit on, and next to it, another door. Only half of the rear wall was wood, the top half was stone, accompanied by a very artistic, stone framed window. There was a bang behind us. I turned round.

“Did you hear that Tammy? I knew this was a bad idea. Mums going to kill me if she finds out.” I said, slowly turning my head to see if anything, or anyone was behind me.

“Hellloooooo?” Tammy shouted, her voice trembling with fear.

I looked behind me, just to see a wall. So I looked up.

“Hey, Tammy, look!” Pointing to a large balcony, over looking the room.

Distracted, I walked over to the other door, and opened it, till it was wide open. A sudden rush of freezing air hit me, causing me to shiver. Tammy followed me. In front of me stood a large wooden staircase. They seemed to naturally creek on their own, so the noises we had previously heard, no longer scared me. Under the staircase, was a door. I approached the door, careful not the make to much noise. I opened it to revel a tiny toilet room. Nothing special, just a toilet and sink. So Tammy and I slowly made our way up the wooden staircase. It was magnificent. Dark brown in colour, and hand carved. So neat it looked to be made by a machine. Each pillar had some kind of animal on it. An animal which Me nor Tammy recognised. The staircase was made up of three flights. Each curving round the corners. Tammy and I slowly started making our way up the stairs, watching each step as we go. As we got to the top, there as one big hallway. Nicely decorated in cream, with huge brown beams, throughout the way. We decide to turn left at the top. As we did so, another loud bang sounded for the living area downstairs. Tammy just seemed to shrug it of, and so she carried on walking. As we did so, we came to the first door, Tammy opened it to reveal a huge bathroom. I stepped in, and tried to take in all of my surroundings. The room was amazing. It was a big bathroom. Painted half and half, the top was green, and the bottom was wood panelling painted cream. The wall to the left of us contained a huge white bath tub, pulled about roughly twenty inches away from the wall, just making enough space available for a towel rack, and a small, decorated silver soap dish. At the end of the bath stood a wall, two metres hight by two metres long, which behind was an old style, white toilet. The toilet flush was a long, slim silver chain, leading to a box, high up near the roof. The far wall in front of us was the window wall. A white windows sill filled with flowers, so fresh and yet, so shiny in the sun beaming through the window. The wall to our right, held two sinks, and yet, another towel rack. Also there was a radiator, in a hand carved decorated cream wooden cover. Tammy started walking over to the window, just to be stopped in her tracks by a loud cracking noise. We both froze. Tammy looking more scared than ever, until she glanced down at her feet, to find that one of the floor tiles had cracked. Black and white tiles covered the floor. Tammy approached me with horror in her eyes.

“Com'on, lets just look round the rest, and then we can go home!” She whispered just loud enough for me to hear.

“Okay Tammy. This place is huge though!” I said with excitement behind my voice.

“GET OUT!” A loud, evil voice said from behind me.

Tammy and I ran as fast as we could, back down to the kitchen, and hopped out of the window.

~New flash back~

Tammy was the same age as I was, our birthdays only months apart. Her parents were away on a business trip, leaving her home alone. She was eighteen. She was bright, bubbly, good looking and a great friend. She had bright barbie blonde hair and bright blue eyes. She was tall, but very slim. One night I got a call from her, panicking and panting down the phone.

“My parents are dead!” She said in tears, I only just understand what she said.

“Tammy, I'll be right over!” I panicked for her, and her safety.

She suffered from bad depression, and she was very suicidal at that point. So I jumped into my Citroen DS3 in silver, and a pink roof, and drove straight to Tammy's. Starring at the every minute that passed, just hoping that my best friend had done nothing stupid. I arrived at Tammy's, to find blood trails on the wall, making there way upstairs.

“Tammy?” All I heard in reply were groans.

Ohh no, TAMMY! I thought to myself.

I feared the worst. She had tried it once. She would do it again. I ran up the stairs, and followed the blood into Tammy's room.

“TAMMY!” I screamed.

Tears started rolling down my checks, and my heart started to ache. There in front of me laid my best friend, in a pool of her own blood. Laying next to her was a knife, covered in blood. I turned, and ran to her bathroom. I grabbed loads of clean towels and ran back to her. I slumped down next to her, holding her in my arms. Watching as she drifted closer and closer to death.

“TAMMY, WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING!” I screamed, muffled by tears and heart break.

“Where ever mum and dad go, so do I. I love you.” Her final words, ringing in my ear.

I knew even if I called for an ambulance, she still wouldn't of made it to the hospital alive. So as I layed there, with my best friend dead in my arms, tears streaming down my face, my heart beating hard and fast, all I could think is my whole world had crashed around me.

~New flash back~

A year later, I was nineteen, my own parents died. They got shot, in a nearby alley. They were on there way back from the local pub, when they apparently got shot. They never let me see my parents after that. They said they were in to much of a mess, but my grandmother had already identified them as my parents. They were my everything, I never thought that anything like that would happen to me and my family. We were all so close. The day they died, felt to me the world had ended. Nothing seemed real. I was so numb. I was still grieving over My best friends death. After my parents death, my family grew further and further apart until I had no one.

~End of flash backs~

Even now at the age of twenty-one, I am still struggling to cope with the deaths of the people I loved. I have no one around me who I can talk to. I'm all alone. Just waiting for the right man the come along. The one I can love and trust.

Author's Note

UNEDITED

Reviews

[R.T. Edwins]

I liked it generally, although I would suggest trying to string the sentences together more. I'll give an example of what I mean.

you wrote: "It was a hot summers day, and my friend Tammy and I where on our way to the local shop, just at the end of the street, to buy some of our favourite sweets. Fizzy Haribo. We got chatting away about how much school sucked and our other friends at the time. We got so carried away, we walked into a big, fat tree. We arrived at in shop, just minutes later. We stepped through the shop door. Just as we did, the elderly male shop keeper greeted us with open arms. To us, he was like an adopted grandfather. We grabbed our sweets, paid and ran out, eager to get back home to have our sweets. Walking back took only a few minutes, but instead of approaching my front door. We found ourselves approaching the house next door. Amazed by the beautifully carved wooden door, we felt the need to go take a closer look."

I would change the flow to something like: “It was a hot summers day, and my friend Tammy and I were on our way to buy some of our favorite sweets from the local shop, which sat at the end of the street. As we walked in the warm sunlight, we chatted away about our other friends and how much we hated school. We got so carried away with the conversation, that we [nearly] walked into a big, fat tree!
When we arrived at the shop, just minutes later, we stepped through the door and were surprised to find the elderly shop keeper greeting us with open arms. To us, he was like an adopted grandfather. Happily, we grabbed our sweets, paid and ran out, eager to get back home to indulge in our treasure.
Walking back took only a few minutes, but instead of heading to my home, we found ourselves approaching the house next door. Amazed by the beautifully carved wooden door, something seemed to call to us to take a closer look."

I hope that makes sense and maybe helps. the premise is interesting and i think it will really take off once you've had a chance to adjust the flow a little. A hard lesson i had to learn was that sometimes it's okay to have long sentences (the gramar teachers ingrained the opposite in school , but many well known authors ignore that rule in order to take on the role of a story teller)

[EllenMichelle29]

Thank you so much for this helpful review. Read through what you have suggested, I agree. I shall change it as soon as I can. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this chapter x In return, what would you like me to read/review?

[R.T. Edwins]

No worries, i've only posted one excerpt so far (just joined yesterday) but I'll be adding some more of my book over the weekend if you want to check back then? =)

[EllenMichelle29]

Yeah, well if you ever have work you want me to checkout, just ask. Once again thank you for the helpful review. I have taken on board what you said x

[minisla]

I felt slightly overwhelmed with the pace of it being the first chapter. Seems to be lacking an introduction of the characters. Would fit in very well as a chapter in the book but I guess you have much more to do with the final piece. Enjoyed it all the same.

[EllenMichelle29]

I understand what you mean Thanks for reading

[Ana Drake]

You picked the right girl to send this request to, I love true blood!!
And I'm really liking this, really good start.
So I'm going to try and finish the next two chapters tonight, and please send me another R.R when you post the next one :)

[EllenMichelle29]

Okay, will do :)

[DogDrawler]

Nice details!

[EllenMichelle29]

Thank you, nice of you to say so x

[DogDrawler]

Say so, what?

[EllenMichelle29]

Nice of you to say I have nice details.

[Horizon K.]

Very interesting start though it's hard to see where the story is heading though. For me I saw no connection between the Later flashbacks and the first one with the mansion ... Plus you start by saying you dont believe in the house being haunted but go on to contradict those exact words in the flashbacks..I'm assuming The visit to the house cursed them for what happened later, but based on the seriousness of the other two I felt they deserved more attention then the house.... Overall interesting but I feel that with some rearrangement of what is presented there could be more dynamic tension building.

[EllenMichelle29]

Thank you for the honest comment, also thanks for taking the time to read my story :)

[Andrea Fong]

This is very nice and has great potential. However I think it takes away the experience when you separate it with "New Flashback"s.

[EllenMichelle29]

Yeah,I really need to get rid of the flash back

[Calibaster]

I think this is very interesting

[EllenMichelle29]

Thank you x

[Calibaster]

you're welcome.

[Tex]

I would take out the ~Flash Back~ you have already introduced us to the past by the previous sentences so when in the next sentence you place us in the past we are there with you and don't need the STOP sign ~Flash Back~ to take us out of the place you have so carefully put us in. It makes us aware we are reading. We are in the moment with you... we don't want to be aware of reading.

If you feel you must do something can you do it with a transitional phrase instead? Anything that is not a note to the reader from outside the story. Once many readers are transported to a different world by the author they don't want to be brought back to this world... We have escaped... don't remind us we are really home reading a story.

I would recommend that for every authors note. use transitional phrases so we are not yanked back to this world.

but hey this is your piece do as you please.

Now for the story... It is wonderful... I consumed about 25% of it (my dyslexia makes it a LOT of work) you have great style, You had me in the moment with the two of you. that is what I love about books that I am transported to another place and can experience things with the people in the book. You did that for me in this write.

Great Job.

[EllenMichelle29]

Thank you for taking the time to read my work!

[Tex]

pleasure... loved what i saw of it.

[EllenMichelle29]

Good :)

[Empty Spaces]

bro this book is beast love the flashback:)

[EllenMichelle29]

Aww thank you for the comment.