accident

it could've been worse. a lot worse.

Linda and I left our old Volkswagen Beetle wheezing in the parking lot and, clutching each other’s hand, hurried to the taxi station under a battering rain. God, I hate heavy rain. My old joints always give me hell during the rainy season. We stood under the awning, hoping to stop a taxi before either of us caught pneumonia. If there’s one thing I hate more than raining cats and dogs, it’s hailing taxis. Luck smiled on us when a taxi turned the corner and we gratefully took it. 

We were going to the meet point to take part in an excursion to various parts of the country. Looked like the organizers picked a fine day for that. We soon arrived at the mall where the bus was waiting for us. We were the last on board. All the other old timers greeted us jovially and some teased us, calling us snails and tortoises and sloths. They were neighbours and retirees who’d worked with me or with Linda and some were casual acquaintances. We sank onto our seats behind old Bart and his wife Josephine. Her wheelchair was collapsed and standing in the aisle by her side. Greetings were exchanged. 

As the door hissed shut, Big Al, the driver, shouted “Hold on to your nuts, Guys!” Everybody laughed and Angela Bingham yelled “What about us, girls?” That got a few laughs, too, but I won’t repeat Pete’s reply. Too graphic. But you can imagine it for yourselves. You’re grown-ups after all. Anyway, Al honked the “shave and a haircut” bit and pulled off. You know, the one that goes "PAM - PAPAPAM - PAM - PAMPAM!" Crazy Marge started singing:

“Shave and a haircut, too bits

Who was the barber, Tom Mix

Who did he marry, Pearl White

How are the kiddies, all right”

A few miles out of town, the weather improved considerably and the gloomy ones perked up. Al, was singing along to the blaring of the radio. “Gangsta Paradise”. I couldn’t hear myself think. 

Thirty minutes or so into the trip, the bus swerved suddenly to the left then back to the right. My heart dropped right into my stomach. I swear I could hear it sloshing there. Do you know the movie “Jeepers Creepers”? Well the terror on that bus was nothing like the terror that gripped those rickety passengers, including me. Pandemonium broke out. Cries for help, shouting, wailing and gnashing of teeth are still etched in my brain, nay, seared in my very being. The image I’ll take to my grave is that of 82-year-old Bethany, sprawled in the aisle, with her dress bunched up around her midriff, legs in the air giving us a view of the skimpiest red g-string I’ve ever seen in my life. Let me hasten to reassure you. No one got hurt.

The thing was Big Al had a soft heart. He swerved to avoid hitting a stray dog and nearly sent about 20 elderly people to an early grave.

The bus ran off the road and smashed right between two cottages. The tenants of the cottages were two old couples. Mr. and Mrs. Beethoven (turned out they were descendants of the famous Helmut Beethoven, the masseur) and Mr. and Mrs. Bawl. The couples helped pull the passengers out to safety.

I was one of the lucky ones. I was pulled out by the Beethovens.  

Reviews

[barleygirl]

Thank you very much for my morning "ball" fix *heh! heh! heh!* I can always count on you to keep things bouncing along with delight & humor! I honestly did NOT get your punchline, but then I read your answer to another review & was immediately relieved nobody got pulled out by the Bawls. Your imagination is operating on several different levels of astounding, but I'm only capable of getting the puns clearly on the surface level. Like the hailing cabs comment, which I loved. You nailed the typical senior silliness with your "shave & haircut" ditty. And last but not least, your Bethany reminded me of the 80-something guy my mom married & even well into his 90's, he would have his racy red skivvies draped over the shower curtain when I went to visit them! *smile*

[Woody]

the pleasure is entirely mine, I assure you. glad I helped brighten your morning :)
your fathe-in-law sounds like a bunch of fun :)
thank you Dear. sorry if the ending gave you trouble.

[Alex]

I didn't get the ending. I googled Helmut Beethoven, and saw it was a fictional character, but didn't immediately see anything familiar. I won't think less of the piece for that, though, I know I'm not the demographic for every single thing. I really chuckled at the hailing taxis remark. Also, I didn't see anything to confirm this (though the ending might have done that and I just didn't pick up on it), but it seemed like all the characters were elderly versions of today's 20-30 year olds, just based on their dialogue, attire, song choices. It was strange, then, that they were just riding a plain old bus. Who knows, though, maybe those will still be around by then. Interesting if true, though it would have been nice if the story used that for something. Again, maybe the end is that something, but even so, it does seem a tad empty. It seems like the entire story was the build up to the punchline, which I missed.

[Woody]

thank you so much for reading and reviewing Alex. your last sentence sums it all up. those who've read a few of my stories are used to it by now and come to my page expecting to be entertained and find (hopefully) a few laughs. there's nothing philosophical, no hidden meaning and no lessons to find, I'm afraid, Alex. I enjoy writing and creating crazy, zany situations. I like to surprise the reader. more often than not, you'll find a twist at the end of the story. and I have a good time making puns and sometimes giving the characters unlikely names.
I hope that clarified a few things.
(Beethoven. turns out he was descendent of the famous...) here the reader will immediately expect me to mention the musician, right? but then it's some Helmut whom nobody has heard of and a masseur, to boot.
as for the ending. it IS a punchline.
I was lucky because I was not pulled out by the b.... :)

thanks again Alex.

[roarke]

hmm... not sure about the ending, maybe I didn't get it. But I liked the opening and enjoyed the atmosphere you crafted Woody. This piece really had voice.

[Woody]

aah so nice to see you around roark. thank you my friend.glad you found this holds the road.

[Troy Henson]

Woody I can always rely on you to pull me from a somber mood and make me smile. Your train of thought is mind boggling and your level of humour is quite enjoyable.

[Woody]

you are too kind, Troy. thanks a lot. I'm glad I helped brighten your day.

[Roland Petrov]

"Elderly people to an early grave" is pretty funny, though the elderly, I've noticed, are usually more anxious about their status and probably wouldn't find this funny at all. "Pulled out by the Beethovens" has got to get a laugh, even if you are a centenarian. On a heavier note, I'm sorry about what happened in Tunisia; that's not going to help the economy.

[Woody]

thank you so much Roland for taking the time. I'm glad this elicited a laugh.
thanks a lot for your thoughts, too. what happened was terrible. I'm so sorry for what happened to those who came to my country to enjoy the beach and the sun and returned in boxes. something's definitely wrong with the whole world. as for the economy, we are really looking at dark days ahead.

[William Richards]

Really enjoyed the image of this excursion bus full with old timers with their sense of humor. I felt the last couple of paragraphs could have been expanded a little. But otherwise lots of laughs and an enjoyable read. Thank you.

[Woody]

why thank you very much, Sir. I'm glad you liked this one.
I agree, the ending was a bit rushed. I'll have to do something about it.

[Woody]

on second thought, Will, I may leave it that way. the ending looked wanting if you'd missed the punchline :)

[William Richards]

Fair enough. I probably did! Reading some of the comments I think many others like it the way it is :-)

[Lydia Shutter]

So Beethoven the composer had a famous relative who was a masseur, eh? Always giggling when I read you. There was an 82 year old woman on the bus wearing a g-string....my goodness, Woody...how do you conjure up these scenes? Your mind is a playground filled with imagery and comedy...and I love playing there! Lydi**

[Woody]

aah thank you Lydia for the sweet review. I'm always extatic to see you enjoy my writes.
I have fun writing stories and hope they bring a smile to my readers.

[Mr_M]

Very funny woody. I don't know why you haven't created a comedy book of all your short stories. You have a talent of making people laugh.

[Woody]

Hi Mr_M. thank you so much for the compliment. I'm elated you found this one funny.
tell you the truth, I'd love to publish a book with a collection of short stories/flash fictions. but I wouldn't have the slightest idea how to go about it. come on, help me. tell me what to do.

[Mr_M]

I think you should publish it yourself on amazon like an e book. I haven't a scooby doo mate. Although someone on here must know how to make one.

[Woody]

gosh, all Greek to me. scooby doo? ok I'd better start talking to the people here.

[Mr_M]

Sorry mate I in much slang I forget myself. Cockney rhyming slang. Scooby doo means 'clue' and I really don't have a clue. It must be possible?

[Mr_M]

I speak in so much*

[Woody]

haha ok. I know a little about Cockney slang. this one is new. good to know.
I thought it was something you needed to have to go on Amazon lol

[Mr_M]

Have a butchers cook and let the bees and honey roll in!

[Woody]

I don't think I've heard these either. but based on what we were talking about
book/money :)))))

[Mr_M]

Butchers is look but you are spot on with money me old chine plate (mate)

[Woody]

:) ok one out of two. thanks my china plate, then.

[Valentine]

A very funny write, I just wondered if your mother had to wash your mouth out with soap a lot when you were a young lad? Valentine

[Woody]

aah Kathie. you are being too stern with me. I haven't said any unsavoury in this story. why, I even refrained from repeating Pete's reply to Angela. :))))
thank you, Dear. your finding this funny made my day.

[Woody]

unsavoury expressions :(

[Valentine]

I just bet you joked your way out of a good whipping. They were laughing so hard they probably handed you the belt.. Smiling...

[Woody]

true, I admit but when they sometimes don't get the joke, I do get a good beating. my father was a firm believer in: spare the rod and spoil the child.
now that my father has passed away, my wife has taken over. though only in bed.
story of my life. I've always been plagued with brutes.

[Valentine]

You are so BAD>>>>>>>>>>>>

[Matching Socks]

Lol! Ok I laughed the whole way through!!
I really want to know what Pete's reply was to the ladies!

[Woody]

haha I don't know if I dare. I'm too much of a gentleman. I should never have let him board. crude character.
as always, I'm so glad this made you laugh :)

[Matching Socks]

I bet I can guess what he said! :)

[Woody]

I'm sure you can :))) poets have an unfathomable imagination.
actually not difficult to guess in that situation. I would've said the same thing if he hadn't beat me to it.
but out of curiositey, what d'you think he said?

[Matching Socks]

Oh no, not falling into that trap. :P

[Woody]

come on now, no big deal really. these days even girls do not hesitate to use the "f" word.

[Matching Socks]

I know, I fart all the time, natural bodily function which occurs when your meal has not been digested properly... Nothing to be ashamed of darling really...

[Woody]

hahaha yep, that's the F word I meant.

[Matching Socks]

Woody, thank you for making me laugh, it's the best medicine, truly. :)

[Woody]

my pleasure, Dear :)))