count your blessings

a new version of "Two Lonely People"

Standing at the picture window of her living room, Sandra was watching the birch tree in her garden sway in the wind. The elements were raging outside. When was the last time it was this bad? 2012? 2011? God, how she hated it when it rained cats and dogs! At one time or another she’d have to go out there and sweep the driveway and clear the lawn of all the dead bodies. An audible sigh escaped her. If only they landed alive! She sure would love to keep a Dalmatian and a Siamese cat or two. She turned her head and looked at Carpenter, lying on the rug by the fireplace. Poor thing! He’s getting old. Not much longer now. A wistful smile crossed her lips when she remembered him as a sweet little puppy. She could recall why George had called him Carpenter. Every time he stole food from the pantry, he made a bolt for the door.

She heard the rustle of paper behind her as George turned a page of the newspaper he was reading.

“Is it still raining?” he asked

“Pissing”, she answered without turning round. Tomorrow, she was going back to work. She’d had to take a two-week leave since George’s accident. Somebody had to look after him and nurse him. There was no way she was driving to work in this s****y weather. She’d have to take a taxi. If.. she found a taxi. Jesus! If there was something she hated more than raining cats and dogs, it was hailing taxis.

Her fingers trailed along the beige curtains that hung limply by the window. She finally turned round.

“I still can’t decide on the colour of the new curtains”, she told George.

“Told you you needed a fresh pair of eyes”, replied her husband.

A half smile lifted the corners of her luscious lips as she glanced at the glass jar sitting on the coffee table. A smile that Leonardo Da Vinci would give his right eye to paint. The jar was in clear glass, about as tall as a coke bottle and twice as large. It was full of formaldehyde in which swam a dozen eyes of different colours, blue, green and hazel eyes. So far, she hadn’t been able to get hold of a pair of black eyes. She looked at her husband and her eyes misted. She loved him to bits, though, now, he looked weird without his ears and with his hair shaved at the sides. It could’ve been much worse. Thank God for small mercies! His head could’ve been crushed by that machine down at the mill. If he hadn’t jerked his head back in time, out of sheer reflex, she’d now be looking at an empty armchair. She shuddered at the thought.

A gust of wind shook the window pane and they both started as a black and white German shepherd hit the window and lay in a heap on the tiled floor. It was a good thing they had decided on extra thick glass.

“Are you sure you’re ready to go back to work honey?”

“Yeah, yeah, don’t worry. I can’t put it off eternally. The mortgage and the bills won’t pay themselves”, he answered, folding the paper and putting it on the table next to the eye jar.

“It’s getting late, darling. Let’s hit the sack.”

Sandra went to the kitchen to get the rolling pin and George to the hall cupboard to fetch his chipped baseball bat. He climbed the stairs followed by his wife.

Right before George arrived at the mill, the following morning, the foreman held an impromptu meeting with the dozen or so workmen, to warn them not to make any reference to George’s ears.

“… and I will not tolerate any mention of his ears. Nothing! Nada! He’s bound to be sensitive about it. Self conscious. I’m warning you. If any of you as much as says the word “listen”, he’ll get the sack. Here he comes. Get back to work!”

George walked in as each of his coworkers pretended to be engrossed in their tasks. They cast casual glances towards him as they said Good morning and good to have you back.

As George was standing in front of his metal cabinet, putting on his work uniform, his neighbour, Gregory Garmy, said:

“I see you’ve stopped wearing glasses!” 

  

Author's Note

Another take on "two lonely people". Felt like turning it into a proper short story with a few more oddities thrown in for good measure.

Reviews

[barleygirl]

"A few oddities" indeed! You've outdone yourself, making this thread of nonsense seemingly "normal" sounding. This time weird pops thru-out the story outshined the ending, even tho it was a wry, sarcastic observation to welcome back the earless chap! *smile* For some reason, your storytelling sounds more polished than usual here & I almost felt like I was reading a realistic story -- or maybe your bizarre mind splatters are rubbing off on me. Now I want to write another off-the-wall story myself! Thanks for the inspiration!

[Woody]

you'll have to admit that some expressions are downright bizarre. cats and dogs?
so that's how this one came to be.
thanks a million, Dear. I'm honoured to be a source of inspiration to you :))))

[wordman]

great story woody,you are a great story teller,you and sam

[Woody]

wordman, I am flattered and mighty honoured to be mentioned alongside Super Sam. thank you my friend. I'm elated you liked this one.
I must apologize for my lack of reviews lately. I'll catch up.

[wordman]

i am not a ham woody,don`t feed off them reviews
thank you for the thought

[Woody]

still.....

[Sir Drift & Mr. Pulse]

Well this is fresh breath of air. I have learned much by reading this and I hope to improve my writing with this. Thank you for writing this. I will definitely be reading more of this

[Woody]

thank you for stopping to read this one, Sir Drift. glad you found it interesting.

[M.E.Lyle]

Ha, you have me cracking up. Better get a broom and sweep myself. You are the best at this stuff.
Raining cats and dogs...literally, making bolts, hailing taxis, and much more. Hilariously fun to read.

[Woody]

hey Mike. thank you my friend. I'm super glad you liked it. yeah pretty zany, ain't it?

[B. Boileau]

What a delightful demented piece ! It had me in stitches,
(I loved it to pieces) Truely wonderfully weird ,and a fun read

bill

[Woody]

Bill, you've just made my evening. so glad it made you laugh :)
thank you for stopping to read and review.

[Samuel Dickens]

Raining pets, eyes in a jar and missing ears? What the fu...fudge? Woody, you've outdone yourself! What a wild, crazy story. All the way through, I searched myself, "Now, what's he up to? What kind of wacky ending has he made up?" A really hilarious one, I see.

[Woody]

awfully nice of you, Sam. thanks a ton. yeah a crazy one but then we live in crazy times, right?
read moreawfully nice of you, Sam. thanks a ton. yeah a crazy one but then we live in crazy times, right?

[Moonie]

Hehe..you know I always do wonder where do these absurd proverbs come from...hit the sack, raining cats and dogs, bolt for the door...now I do know...kids should be taught proverbs this way...it'll guarantee their good development, probably even add a 207th funny bone to their body....lol...that was a horrible try at a joke..I reckon it'll take many years for me to become humerous... ;) ;)
Pathetic, I know..... :'))))))

[Woody]

I've always loved those expressions, probably due to the fact that I'm not a native speaker.
as for you not being humourous, I begg to differ. somebody who laughs at my writes must have a good sense of humour :)
so the funny bone's number 207? interesting. I never counted my bones and I've had them for ages.

[Woody]

oh and thanks for stopping by.

[Moonie]

Humerus*
Damn...I made a pathetic try at a joke and spelled the punchline wrong..

[Woody]

don't worry. my laptop always swallows up the letter "o". so I got it the first time :)

[Moonie]

Hahahahahahahahahah..... :)))

[alifeacoustic]

You Sir, and I mean this as a complete compliment, out-weird me by a factor of ten to one, at least :)
And I am glad you brushed over the s****y and pissy weather :)
Loved this, especially the last line, if I had been in that factory, I'd have been in stitches, which I don't want to think what it would have entailed in this story. Superb. :)

[Woody]

guess what I'm going to do! I'm going to copy/paste this compliment, enlarge it and put it in a frame. I plonk it (is that even a verb?) on my wife's dresser so she can see it every time she does her pretty face. that might stop her telling me to grow up.
thanks a lot my friend :)

[alifeacoustic]

No worries. Just tell your wife that marriage is teamwork and you're only trying to keep her young at heart :)

[Jason Endfield]

Really inventive, very amusing and altogether a particularly enjoyable read!

[Woody]

thanks loads, Jason. I'm elated you enjoyed this zany one.