dyslexia

strange conversation with customers.

Benny had just opened for the day. He’d arranged the wicker chairs around the dozen or so tables and was now vigorously wiping the beer taps with a piece of cloth. As he was proudly grinning at his distorted reflection, the little bell on top of the door pinged and he looked up to see an elderly couple enter his pub. He beamed at his first customers of the day and greeted them:

“Good morning folks!”

The couple started towards the bar as the door swung shut behind them. The man was balding on top and the hair on either side of his head was milky white. His beady eyes were almost hidden behind thick glasses and his bushy eyebrows seemed to rest on the black frame of his cheaters. He had a handlebar moustache under a bulbous nose covered in a network of broken capillaries.

“Morning”, responded the man as he climbed on a stool.

His companion was a small woman with an erect body. She had bags under her eyes which were the bluest Benny had ever seen. Her nose was pointy and her lips were pinched in a thin line.

“..orning”, she mumbled as she sat beside the man.

“What can I get you?” said Benny with a smile.

“A pint of fager with femonade, pfease”, said the man.

“I beg your pardon”, answered Benny, puzzled.

“Pint of lager with lemonade”, clarified the woman helpfully.

“Ah, yes, right away. And you Madam?”

“I’ll have a pourpon.”

“Sorry? A what?”

“A bourbon”, said her companion.

“Uhm.. Yes, sure.”

The man saw the frown on Benny’s face and looked at his wife with a raised eyebrow. (I’m not sure which eyebrow. Right or left. You see, contrary to the common belief, a writer doesn’t necessarily know everything about his characters).

His wife shrugged her shoulders and said: “Tell him!”

Mr. handlebar moustache said: “Right” and took a gulp of his drink.

“I have a rare form of dysfexia. I can’t pronounce the letter “F”.

“ ‘L’ ”, said Benny, helpfully.

“Yes, F. When I was a smaff fad, I suffered a trauma. I was bitten by a fox.”

“What’s a lox?” Benny wanted to know.

“No, not a fox. A fox. You know that animaf with a ffuffy taif. Anyway, it was bad f**k. I was coffecting fungi when I stumbfed upon a fitter of foxes. The fox was onfy defending its fittfe ones. Bad f**k, as I said.”

“Well, I must say”, said Benny, “that it’s disconcerting to have a conversation with you.”

“Teff me about it”, replied the man. “How do you think I feef when peopfe fook at me puzzfed?”

“Put, along the years”, put in the wife, tucking an unruly lock of hair behind her ear, “people got used to him. Put it sure was puffling at first.”

“Erm.. If I may ask, Madam, do you have a similar condition?”

“Oh no”, said Betty, “I can’t pronounce the letter P.”

“B?” asked Benny.

“Yes, P. you see, a few years ago, I happened to pe in the street..”

“Pee in the street?” asked the barman, appalled.

“No, ‘Pe’, as in papy, pingo, park, palls, crap.”

“Ok. I get it. Be in the street.”

“So, I was peeing in the street. I mean I happened to pe in the street when this prawl proke out and this pastard hit me with his prick on the head.”

“His what?” spluttered Benny, obviously shocked.

“Not that sort of prick! He was throwing pricks. You know, pig, red pricks. Those red oplong things you use to puild houses.”

"Oh, I’m sorry, “brick”. Right, get it.”

Betty (aha! So that’s her name!) took a sip of her pourpon. Damn! I’m starting to sound like her, now!

Betty took a sip of her bourbon and daintily deposited her glass on the pink coaster, pinky raised.

“As if that was not enough, as I was lying on the floor, pleeding, one of the thugs stepped on my poop.”

Benny blew his cheeks and made round eyes. He said:

“Boy! What were the odds the two of you getting together?”

“Yeah, one in a pillion”, said Betty.

“Bad f**k, as I said”, added the man, scratching his nose.    

Author's Note

First off, I hope nobody gets offeneded. I meant the story for fun.
Secondly, I don't know if you're going to find it funny. I had this idea and wanted to try it. I'd be much obliged if you could give me your honest opinion.

Reviews

[DaughterNature]

Ahahaha, I liked this -- it's very funny, although I severely doubt that this would clinically be called dyslexia, as that is the name for the condition where people have a difficult time reading, not speaking.

A few notes: I believe the gentleman might be calling for a pint of "lager" (a type of beer) rather than a "larger" (an adjective that denotes size). I understand that you might have been going for humor with your parenthetical about the eyebrow, but the story is funny enough on its own, so the parenthetical comes off as a weird authorial voice. I also don't think that you call a litter of foxes a "litter of vixen," since "vixen" is the term for a female fox, and it sounds like the character didn't get close enough to judge the sex of the babies before he was bitten. Again, the authorial voice insertion with the "pourpon" comment feels unnecessary to the comedy of the piece. And although the "stepped on my poop" line is funny, I sincerely doubt that the character Betty would actually say someone stepped on her "b**b."

On the whole, however, very snappy and funny!

[Woody]

thank you very much for your input. which, incidentally, made me laugh. glad you thought it was funny. this is the first time I felt uncomfortable writing a story.
you're right about the lager. silly mistake of mine.
I knew about dyslexia. it's the character who got it wrong.
the eyebrow. I thought it was funny. looks like I was wrong. you see, I like to do those little asides in a few of my stories but, ok. maybe that was overkill.
vixen is another stupid mistake. I should've checked that.
as for the poop, well I had to make that joke.
again thank you very much :)

[1VJ]

I'm laughing out loud right now, how do you come up with this stuff?! Your descriptions are painstakingly precise and funny as 'ell. They surely do deserve each other and you! :)

Still laughing...

[Woody]

you're too kind Paloma thanks heaps :) glad this weird couple made you laugh.

[Jacob Clifford]

This story is so fricking funny, I don't even know where to start. I was mildly amused by the initial conversation, and the guy pronouncing fox correctly is so random and nonsensical that it was surprising and funny. Speaking of surprising... I just it when I read "It was bad f**k". And then the rest of the intricacies throughout the rest of the story... I really must applaud you for this one. Not only is this story silly and funny, but it's well thought out and coherent despite the speech impediments. Oh, and by the way, "...stepped on my poop": genius. At face value, that line is hilarious, but it's even better knowing the context.

[Woody]

hey Clifford! I do get crazy ideas once in a while and like to try them out. I'm so glad you saw the funny side of this one. thanks a lot for your constant encouragement.

[barleygirl]

I know I read & reviewed this story before, but I don't see my comments anywhere, so you're going to be subjected to my observations again. Maybe my review was removed becuz I used the "F" word!??!?! Anyhow, I was only saying that we all know how it can be when one runs across a bad "F" in a bar, huh? I think it must've been tricky to twist the words around the way you did, but still making it clear to read & understand!

[Woody]

I never saw your initial review. strange! can the admin do that? I've seen plenty of F words floating on here.
thanks a lot for bothering to do it twice, B. it was fun really, finding the words with double meanings :)

[Stan Lee]

Genius Woody! *slow clapping* Lol, you do come up with the craziest ideas. I noticed that some people have say it's OTT but I think it works anyway because to me, the whole story is ridiculously cheesy and hilarious. (I mean that in a good way.) It's a fun, entertaining read and I enjoyed it immensely! :)

[Woody]

you got it, Andrea! the whole thing is crazy. I don't even know if this condition's got a name. that's why the character said "rare form of dyslexia". thanks a ton, A. always a pleasure to make you laugh.

[LastMonth]

Jesus how do you come up with these things.
No, seriously. How do you even think about this? I mean, this is just mind boggling. Your ideas, not just this one in particular, are crazy. Crazy good.

But, I've think I've thrown heaps of flattery at you at this point, and while it's always nice to hear how good you are, I believe it would be more helpful to review this little bit.

Pros:
Great idea.
God is in the details, you have that aspect of your writing down to a mastery.
Those ( ) notes of yours are hilarious as always.

Cons:
I'm not sure the Punch line is even a punch line, but I had to re-read it a few times. Kinda expected it to be like your other stories and have a twist in it. No as much as a con, more like me being used to one style of endings by you.

Overall a great story.
Man, I feel like I could read your stories all day for a week and still not finish them!

[Woody]

LM you are too kind. I'm flattered. I don't know where they come from. I truly have fun and enjoy writing them and generally play the fool. I'm kinda like that in real life.
true there's no twist in this one. I didn't feel it needed one. very few don't end with a punchline.
LM, you made my evening with your generous review. thanks again and happy to have made you laugh.

[LastMonth]

Well! The Night shift is young and your Writing list is long. Just heads up.

[Woody]

hahaha happy reading :)

[Taylor]

Woody, you've outdone yourself. This reads as one long and riotous joke! Besides that, you've incorporated nice details (she tucks an unruly lock behind her ear and so on). I'm only sorry that I cannot hear you read it aloud. Great job, my friend.

[Woody]

thanks a ton, Dear. you're too kind. as always, your appreciation is mightily appreciated.

[Roland Petrov]

Politically incorrect, but very funny. The English language lends itself to being played around with like this. Can you do similar things with Arabic?

[Woody]

Hi Roland. thanks heaps Habibi :) it's always a pleasure to see you around.
indeed, it's great to do the contortionist with the English language. of course, you can do similar things with Arabic and French as well. I can speak for those languages only bur I'm sure you can do that with others, too.
I personally don't think it's politically incorrect as I've never encountered such an impairement so.. safe grounds :)
thanks again, R. dlad you found it funny.

[Roland Petrov]

It would be safe if you hadn't called it dyslexia, but what the heck, you mean no harm and it's funny. Not to mention that with Donald Trump ascending, political correctness is on the way out!

[Woody]

haha I like that. there's a pic doing the rounds on the net. I wonder if you know it. I'll see if I can send it your way.

[B. Boileau]

What are the :han:es you would write a story about this rare :ondition. (I :ant type :) if it weren't for spell :heck I'd be up the :reek ! Thank you Woody for bring this in:urable :ondition to the masses.

[Woody]

thank YOU for stopping to read, B. I see you have a similar condition. you can't type the letter "C"
most embarrassing :)

[Great Aunt Astri]

A very clever piece. Although it is very funny it has deeper connotations. I am thinking of people trying to communicate in different languages with lots of misunderstandings. When I was young we went on a boat ride down a fiord in Norway. There was a sign on one of the rocks which read 'Sacte fart'. I was shocked until Mum explained it meant in Norwegian, 'go slow'!!!!

[Woody]

Ta very much Auntie. your appreciation is much appreciated :)
love the Norwegian "go slow". from now on, whenever I'm tired I'll go fart.