Careful what you wish for!

chinwag in my favourite bar

Ron and I were having a beer at the Skull & Bones, a joint owned by a retired one-eyed pirate. No, he didn’t come with the wooden leg and the parrot on his shoulder, in case you were wondering. Just the dirty eye patch.

A few other patrons were huddled over their drinks on that bitter December afternoon. Fred the Ferret was sitting at his usual corner table, busily foraging inside his nose. I kept expecting his finger to poke out of his bald pate, one of those days if he kept at it.

A gust of wind shook the windows and I turned back to Ron. He lit his third cigarette in as many minutes. I noticed that, since he lost his legs, my friend Ron started hitting the bottle and the packet, too. Who’d blame him? This was back in the days when smoking Homo sapiens didn’t have to step outside for a smoke and freeze their butts off. There was no TV in the place. The jukebox was going at it full blast. Bob Dylan was telling a story of a murder during a tornado, in his typical nasal voice.     

“Isn’t that Whatsisname?” asked Ron, nodding towards a man who’d just walked in, shaking his umbrella and furling it.

“Yeah, that’s him. Have you heard his father, Whatsisface,’s dead?”

“Oh my God! No! When was that?”

“Coupla days ago. Heart attack.”

“Jesus! What a shame! Such a nice guy.”

“That, he was.”

“What? Gone bad, has he?”

“Of course not! But he can’t be nice, now he’s dead, can he?”

“Oh, yesyes. Sorry. How did Whatchamacallher, his wife, take the news?”

“Who knows? She’s been dead two years now.”

“Whatchamacallher is dead? Jesus Christ!

“Look! You’re making it sound like it’s a national tragedy. She died at the ripe age of 85 and he passed on while blowing out his 90^th candle on the birthday cake.”

“What icing did they use?”

“What?”

“On the cake. What did they use?”

“Oh! Chocolate, I think.”

“Mmm! I love chocolate.”

“So did he, but he didn’t get to eat it.”

“The guests gobbled it all down, I suppose.”

“Look, he died before taking as much as a bite.”

“Yes, I got that. Think I’m stupid? Anyway, what a couple!”

“Yeah, they were.”

“What? Having problems, are they?”

“Who?”

“Whatsisface and Whatchamacallher.”

“But… But they’re dead!!”

“Both are dead? Car accident?”

Talking to Ron has become such a pain in the you-kno-wwhat since he lost his legs. I drained my glass and decided to change the subject.

“How’re they hangin’, Ronny?”

“what ‘they’?”

“Oops! Sorry. Wrong choice of words. How’ve you been keeping?”

Ron tried to find a better position on his wheelchair, fixing me with his left eye while his right one gazed at the ceiling. If he was self conscious about his birth defect, he never let on. Sometimes he’d choose to look at you with his right eye while the left looked at the ground, as if searching for something he’s lost.

“Ok, I suppose. Considering. But funny you should ask how they’re hangin’. You’re my best friend and I don’t mind telling you. I’ve developed scabs on my private parts.”

“WHAT?” I asked, nearly choking on the beer Harry’d brought without me asking.

“It’s a pain in the arse, literally. You see, when I’m home, I hate using the wheelchair. Plus I don’t wear underpants. I move about on my hands, see? Well you can picture the situation.”

“God, Ron, I don’t know whether to laugh or feel sorry for you. But are you going to satisfy my curiosity, at last? How did you get to lose your legs?”

“I’ll tell you but promise not to laugh!”

“Hey, I’m your friend and this is no laughing matter.”

“Alright. You know I keep telling people I was hit by a train. Well, the truth is I asked God to give me one that reached the ground. I guess he obliged. God has a weird sense of humour, my friend.”

Reviews

[barleygirl]

Now this is freakin' hilarious! Finally a twist that more than makes up for the last couple weak endings! *tee! hee!* I absolutely LOVE this twist! Even my favorite sequence starting with "busily foraging inside his nose" didn't outshine your ending, this time! *smile* The whatshisface & whatchamacallher are pretty much what everyone in my life is called these days, as my memory fades . . . thanks for brightening up a morning that started out with a few suicide poems in a row! I can always count on you to maintain levity!

[Woody]

always a pleasure to oblige B. :)
thanks for reading and reviewing. I feel fuzzy knowing this brightened your day.

[Sunita Jugran]

Poor Ron....I sympathize with him but your narration is so wonderful...very humorously written . The first story I read from you and I am a fan now :)

[Woody]

thank you very much Sunita. I'm glad you found it funny :)

[Sunita Jugran]

Its more than funny :) Its very subtle humor and somehow so wrong yet so right :)

[Richard Patrick]

It is believable and horrifying as well, the story is very well crafted. I am one of those people who does not remember names of people very often/ On the occasion it is confusing when talking to me. The jokes are well designed. Thank you for allowing us to read it.

[Woody]

and thank YOU for stopping to read this Richard. there's never any malice in me when writing "horrific" pieces. I always strive to entertain. so glad you liked the story.

[Gee]

Lol,love the characters and the build up to the punchline.Woody doing what Woody does best and few others are capable of.Well done my friend,very well done

[Woody]

Gee, my friend, praise from a Brit on my humour is something I'll cherish to my dying day. thanks a ton.

[emmajoy]

OHHHHH ... i so neede d a laugh. How much do y ou c h arge for hyst er ics ????? Shh m us c alm..

That IS Britis h humour.. and I should know! It spr outs from a time wh endouble entendre was expected and accepted as long as delivered well. And you know how t ro deliver
too! A great st ory with an evil finish! Still la ughing, ex cuse the typng.

[Woody]

aaaah I'm basking in your praise. and how much do YOU charge for that? I'm overjoyed that this made you laugh. excuse your typing? are you kidding? after such a glowing praise, you could type with your toes and make as many typos as you like.
thanks a million, Dear :)

[Kaliope]

Yup, had my morning coffee and finished it before reading to protect my electronics. I think I've finally found the perfect formula to approach your stories :-) Oh, and what a story it was! Poor Ron, so unfortunate and I'm laughing at his ill luck.
I can totally see the connection others have drawn to British comedy (which I love). Great setup, great punchline, great fun!

[Woody]

good girl! thak you so much Dear. I feel kinda.. light. I'm hovering about an inch above my chair.read moregood girl! thak you so much Dear. I feel kinda.. light. I'm hovering about an inch above my chair.
you know, when I grow up, I want to become a standup comedian.

[Taylor]

Oh good grief, Woody. This is absolutely ridiculous! I love the wry humor throughout -- and it's so politically incorrect. I think the dialogue is masterful -- I could just picture the two guys in a bar and the way the conversation develops. Makes perfect, hilarious sense. Congratulations on a really fun piece.

[Woody]

thanks a lot Taylor. I never thought of it as politically incorrect but you're probably right. I was just being my old silly self. regardless, I'm glad you found it funny.

[Valentine]

You are so bad! You didn't even give it an X rated viewing" Kathie

[Woody]

god, I swear I never noticed. my stories are usually tame. I admit this one was slightly naughty.read moregod, I swear I never noticed. my stories are usually tame. I admit this one was slightly naughty.
thanks a lot Kathie.

[Valentine]

If I said it was funny would you feel better? Kathie

[Woody]

you know I would :)

[Valentine]

BRAT! Kathie

[Woody]

ok. good enough for me. hehe.

[Valentine]

At least you make me laugh, I need that now and then. Kathie

[Moonie]

Hahaha! Really? I couldn't stop laughing. I feel bad for the poor guy though..... couldn't he have had been put on some medicines to help his leg, but which also made his wish come true to some extent?? --yes, I really do feel bad for him.... bad enough to suggest a horrendous story line!!!! :))

[Woody]

yes, the title says it all. but you know, I've just realised a detail's missing in the story. needs some editing.
thank you so much for your visit. glad it made you laugh :)

[Angela Hunter]

Humourous dialogue and great ending. Although, it is a little unclear as to what the "one" is that he asked God to alter for him. Hilarious though!

[Woody]

haha thanks Angela. happy you liked this one. but, hey, tell me you were joking about the ambiguity of the "one". my modesty forbids me to be more graphic :)

[Angela Hunter]

It doesn't necessarily have to be more graphic. I was just left wondering what the "one" meant, since it wasn't referred to previously. Something like "a piece" or "well, y'know" still leaves the reader to interpret without going into detail. Just a suggestion. :)