Careful what you wish for!

Careful what you wish for!

A Story by Woody
"

chinwag in my favourite bar

"

Ron and I were having a beer at the Skull & Bones, a joint owned by a retired one-eyed pirate. No, he didn’t come with the wooden leg and the parrot on his shoulder, in case you were wondering. Just the dirty eye patch.


A few other patrons were huddled over their drinks on that bitter December afternoon. Fred the Ferret was sitting at his usual corner table, busily foraging inside his nose. I kept expecting his finger to poke out of his bald pate, one of those days if he kept at it.

A gust of wind shook the windows and I turned back to Ron. He lit his third cigarette in as many minutes. I noticed that, since he lost his legs, my friend Ron started hitting the bottle and the packet, too. Who’d blame him? This was back in the days when smoking Homo sapiens didn’t have to step outside for a smoke and freeze their butts off. There was no TV in the place. The jukebox was going at it full blast. Bob Dylan was telling a story of a murder during a tornado, in his typical nasal voice.     


“Isn’t that Whatsisname?” asked Ron, nodding towards a man who’d just walked in, shaking his umbrella and furling it.

“Yeah, that’s him. Have you heard his father, Whatsisface,’s dead?”

“Oh my God! No! When was that?”

“Coupla days ago. Heart attack.”

“Jesus! What a shame! Such a nice guy.”

“That, he was.”

“What? Gone bad, has he?”

“Of course not! But he can’t be nice, now he’s dead, can he?”

“Oh, yesyes. Sorry. How did Whatchamacallher, his wife, take the news?”

“Who knows? She’s been dead two years now.”

“Whatchamacallher is dead? Jesus Christ!

“Look! You’re making it sound like it’s a national tragedy. She died at the ripe age of 85 and he passed on while blowing out his 90th candle on the birthday cake.”

“What icing did they use?”

“What?”

“On the cake. What did they use?”

“Oh! Chocolate, I think.”

“Mmm! I love chocolate.”

“So did he, but he didn’t get to eat it.”

“The guests gobbled it all down, I suppose.”

“Look, he died before taking as much as a bite.”

“Yes, I got that. Think I’m stupid? Anyway, what a couple!”

“Yeah, they were.”

“What? Having problems, are they?”

“Who?”

“Whatsisface and Whatchamacallher.”

“But… But they’re dead!!”

“Both are dead? Car accident?”

Talking to Ron has become such a pain in the you-kno-wwhat since he lost his legs. I drained my glass and decided to change the subject.

“How’re they hangin’, Ronny?”

“what ‘they’?”

“Oops! Sorry. Wrong choice of words. How’ve you been keeping?”


Ron tried to find a better position on his wheelchair, fixing me with his left eye while his right one gazed at the ceiling. If he was self conscious about his birth defect, he never let on. Sometimes he’d choose to look at you with his right eye while the left looked at the ground, as if searching for something he’s lost.


“Ok, I suppose. Considering. But funny you should ask how they’re hangin’. You’re my best friend and I don’t mind telling you. I’ve developed scabs on my private parts.”

“WHAT?” I asked, nearly choking on the beer Harry’d brought without me asking.


“It’s a pain in the arse, literally. You see, when I’m home, I hate using the wheelchair. Plus I don’t wear underpants. I move about on my hands, see? Well you can picture the situation.”

“God, Ron, I don’t know whether to laugh or feel sorry for you. But are you going to satisfy my curiosity, at last? How did you get to lose your legs?”

“I’ll tell you but promise not to laugh!”

“Hey, I’m your friend and this is no laughing matter.”


“Alright. You know I keep telling people I was hit by a train. Well, the truth is I asked God to give me one that reached the ground. I guess he obliged. God has a weird sense of humour, my friend.”

© 2014 Woody


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Featured Review

Now this is freakin' hilarious! Finally a twist that more than makes up for the last couple weak endings! *tee! hee!* I absolutely LOVE this twist! Even my favorite sequence starting with "busily foraging inside his nose" didn't outshine your ending, this time! *smile* The whatshisface & whatchamacallher are pretty much what everyone in my life is called these days, as my memory fades . . . thanks for brightening up a morning that started out with a few suicide poems in a row! I can always count on you to maintain levity!

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

4 Years Ago

always a pleasure to oblige B. :)
thanks for reading and reviewing. I feel fuzzy knowing this.. read more



Reviews

Yes, I can see Benny Hill here. A very humorous little skit.

Posted 5 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

5 Years Ago

hello Mike. thanks for dropping by. glad you find it amusing. if you, too, think it sounds like Benn.. read more
M.E.Lyle

5 Years Ago

Yes, he's pretty hilarious. Another close comparison to this work is Faulty Towers. I nearly die eac.. read more
This could be a skit for one of those British comedies. .....oh what were they called?
It sucks getting old.....

Oh yeah: Benny Hill or Monty Pythons flying circus.

I can see two old farts having this conversation.
LMAO. .....

Trace

Posted 5 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

5 Years Ago

mmmm you're very perceptive, Trace. I may have been unwittingly influenced by those comedians. I'm p.. read more
Trace

5 Years Ago

I can still the music for Benny Hill in my mind
And one of my favorite skits from MPFC: it's .. read more
Woody

5 Years Ago

haha yes that one's very funny. I love "life of Brian" and the song on the crosses at the end. alway.. read more
God is not the only one with a weird sense of humour.

'How're they hangin' Ronny?' That's a bit of pure and wonderful unadulterated London speak that is. You ever been to the smoke?

Posted 5 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

5 Years Ago

once. ages ago, for a couple o' days only. (sigh). how I wish I could spend some time there! love En.. read more
Ok, I don't know if I should laugh or cry either!
:-) thanks for the laughter Woody.

Posted 5 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

5 Years Ago

thank YOU Lady :)
of course you can laugh. Ron won't mind.
I really liked the dialogue, I found it worthy of a giggle :) Another good write, Woody. There is no wrong you can do :)

Chloe D

Posted 5 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

5 Years Ago

thanks a lot Chloe. appreciate the visite. I'm always happy to make you giggle :)
Great piece Woody. Loved this one. Laughing out loud! You certainly have a way with words my friend.

Posted 5 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

5 Years Ago

thank you Troy.most kind of you. I enjoy writing funny pieces tremendously and what a reward when re.. read more
Love, just love the start to this story. The first two paragraphs are sublime. What a talented writer you are. Looking forward to more stories from you.

Posted 5 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

5 Years Ago

aww how kind of you to say so, Ania. I'm thrilled you liked it. thank you for stopping by and leavin.. read more
Ania L

5 Years Ago

You are very welcome, I love finding new good bits of writing!
Heh-heh, that's a funny one, although I've heard that punch line before. (Something about a magic lamp and three wishes) Now, I must ask--were you in vaudeville? You don't appear old enough, but you'd be a great act.

Posted 5 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

5 Years Ago

hey Sam. glad you found it funny. now I need to make something clear (I'd hate to be accused of plag.. read more
Samuel Dickens

5 Years Ago

Really? I thought you were just a wee pup, no more than 47.
Woody

5 Years Ago

haha yeah, an old dog more like.
runs in the family, I suppose. my old man died at the age of.. read more
I'm in awe of your amazing talent and your stellar sense of humor. This one left me laughing out loud. Thanks for the giggles this evening!

:) Julie

Posted 5 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

5 Years Ago

thanks a million Jewel. always an immense pleasure to be able to make people laugh :)
Woody, your stories are always hysterical. Disturbing, but hysterical. Thank you for sending this one along for us to read. :) Great ending, by the way!

Posted 5 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

5 Years Ago

thanks heaps Anne :) I'm thrilled you like my stories although they may sometimes be disturbing :( .. read more
Bright Ocean Star

5 Years Ago

I don't think this stepped outside bounds of propriety...although it was a shock at the end..but ver.. read more

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1098 Views
23 Reviews
Rating
Shelved in 1 Library
Added on November 7, 2014
Last Updated on December 6, 2014
Tags: wheelchair, bar, chat

Author

Woody
Woody

Mateur, Bizerte, Tunisia



About
ok, time for an update I think. my old friends have come to know me pretty well, I trust so this is for the new comers. I'm a Tunisian 60-year-old teacher-cum-translator, book worm who enjoys writing.. more..

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