Strange Encounter of the Third Kind

a man goes into a bar and has the shock of his life.

Fifteen minutes. That’s all it took for the deluge to come pouring down. One moment, it was clear as you like and the next, the heavens opened up and rain came down battering the earth. Visibility was reduced to within a meter and the cars slowed down to snails’ pace. Similarly, in the town’s park, snails slowed down to cars’ pace.

Mahatma Koatamoff, caught by surprise, secured his hat on his head, buttoned up his coat and started running as bucketfuls of water came down on his head and drenched him in no time at all. He cursed himself for not taking his umbrella when leaving the house. He’d looked at the sky and hadn’t thought much of the few clouds scuttling towards the east. That’d teach him to pay more attention to the weather forecast. 

The “Skull n’ Bones”, his regular bar, was still four blocks away but, fortunately, “Thistle” was just round the corner.

“Thistle have to do,” panted Mahatma and sprinted the few remaining paces. He slammed into the glass door that said PULL. His nose hit the pane and he saw stars.

“S**t!” he yelped, “this is a pane-ful entry!”

He hurriedly pulled the door and nearly fell inside. The door swung shut behind him, effectively cutting the sound of the onslaught. Mahatma’s glasses, already speckled with rain, instantly fogged up. He stood there, in the puddle that started to spread at his feet, catching his breath and fumbled for a tissue. He wiped his glasses, thinking he’d have a drink, well maybe two, wait for the rain to ease off then run back home to get changed, otherwise he’d catch his death if he kept those soggy clothes on his back.

“I’m gonna catch my death if I keep these soggy clothes on my back,” he muttered under his breath. Damn! I’m good. I know exactly what my characters are thinking before they even open their mouths.

Suddenly, he realized that the bar was unusually silent. Puzzled, he squinted around. Not a soul! His eyes fell on the Popeye clock hanging on the wall. It was only nine in the morning. That explained it. It was not so much the urge to drink that drove him out of the house as his wife’s nagging. I know many will relate. Don’t we all?

Mahatma Koatamoff took off his hat and coat and hung them by the door. He then approached the bar, got on a stool and patted himself for a cigarette before remembering he was trying to kick off the habit. Instead, he reached out and plucked a toothpick from the little figurine standing on the bar. it was in the shape of Bluto.

“I wonder where Olive is,” mused Mahatma, studying the shiny surface of the bar. He stuck the toothpick in his mouth. Poor substitute but it did seem to work.

Nobody came out to greet him so he rapped on the bar. As that produced no result, his leg started giggling. He willed it to stop.

“This is ridiculous. I’m not alcoholic,” he thought, irritated at himself.

“Anybody home?” he called out.

“Coming,” came a muffled reply from an open door behind the bar. Mahatma heard noises. Someone walking about and what sounded like something being dragged on the floor. Then, out came a superb black and white stallion with a luxuriant forelock that almost hid its eyes. It was wearing a red apron with a huge thistle emblazoned on it. It dumped the six-pack it was carrying on the counter.

“Good morning,” he (I guess we can now safely refer to him as a he) cheerfully greeted his first customer. “What’ll it be, Guv?”

Mahatma’s jaw nearly touched his collar bone. His face drained of blood ad his eyes threatened to pop out of their sockets and go honkety-honk on the counter. His heart skipped a beat (I KNOW IT’S A BLOODY CLEE-SHAY. I’m describing what happened. Think I’m making it up?) then started knocking wildly against his ribcage. His breath caught up in his throat (yeah, yeah).

The horse waited patiently for the soon-to-have-a-heart attack Mahatma to regain control then said:

“You look like you’ve seen a ghost. How about a pick-me-up?”

Mahatma Koatamoff slid off his perch on shaky legs, took a couple of steps back and without taking his eyes off the horse, stammered:

“Has… Has… the.. the cow sold this place?”

Author's Note

originally this was a poem of the same title I posted here a while ago. Marie felt it would make a better story than a poem. I finally got round to following her advice.

Reviews

[barleygirl]

You are in rare form here, this time, as far as popping off all along the way with your conversational asides & puns. Even before I finished recognizing the first name "Mahatma" I could already feel something hilarious coming on . . . did not disappoint. So many tiny treasures, like the Popeye clock & Bluto toothpick figurine. I definitely was NOT thinking "cliché" when I read: "pop out of their sockets and go honkety-honk on the counter" becuz you have a way of spicing up every line & in this case, it's the "honkety-honk" (nice sound effects!) Well, I could go on, but I'll save you some time. You have definitely mastered your niche, which is filled by nobody but you! *smile*

[Woody]

aaah nobody but you :)))))) what a song that is, eh? gosh, I'm lost for words. too much honour.
read moreaaah nobody but you :)))))) what a song that is, eh? gosh, I'm lost for words. too much honour.
a big fat THANK YOU.

[Beccy]

Fun write Woody. Won't pretend I haven't heard the punchline before, but the twist here is the very enjoyable way you romp the whole thing along, and the dialogue is ever so well done.

Beccy.

[Woody]

thank you very much Beccy. you're a doll.
you know I've never pretended to have come up with the idea of some punchlines all by myself. how can I when all you can do is google it? "inspector Google" has made it hard on plagiarists. no, I sometimes use an old punchline as a starting block and embark on a twisted narrative which I enjoy and hope the reader will derive some pleasure from it.

[wordman]

well woody some people just don`t know how to take you I guess
I loved this crazy story cows and all

[Woody]

yeah story of my life, wordman. many think I've invented these things.
:)) such a pleasure that you enjoy my craziness. thanks a lot.

[wordman]

i love a good story woody,and your the best at it on here my friend

[Robert Vicens]

I was confused throughout most of this. I was amused, but I still wasn't clear on what was going on. I don't get the joke for the end of the work.

The joke with the names was cute. There's definitely a lot of imagination. I'm going to say that I'm looking forward to enjoying another of your pieces. Maybe one with a plot and clearly defined characters.

[Woody]

Robert, thank you so much for taking the trouble. I appreciate it. I'm certainly going to read more of your writes.
as you are new to my page, allow me to explain something.
there are many excellent writers/poets here whom you might want to check out (Samuel Dickens, Marie and David Louis Paget are but three exemples). theirs are serious writes with a plot, depth and interesting characters.
I leave "seriousness" to them. I mainly write in the humourous genre. I like a good laugh and attempt to bring a smile and brighten the reader's day. so when you intend to read a story of mine, be prepared to find things loopy, unespected and, I hope, funny.
thanks again, Robert.

[Robert Vicens]

Ha, ha, ha. "Leave serious to them" Lol. Okay. I just needed to read a few more of your works.

[Tom McRoberts]

You earned yourself a full, out-loud laugh for this one, Woody! Wonderful delivery, from start to finish (especially in the finish though)!

[Woody]

thanks loads Tom :) I'm elated this one made you laugh. I had fun writing it.

[Mashoosh Kateb]

Nice read! now I Am really curious how the poem would have turned out.

[Woody]

thank you very much Mashoush. the poem has the same idea but is of course much shorter.
I think the story's more entertaining.

[Moonie]

I thought I would record all my chuckles and exactly where I chuckled for this one. Okay so this is how it went.
"snails slowed down to cars’ pace."--Heeehee.
"That’d teach him to pay more attention to the weather forecast. " hahaha..oh my god..(I actually said that!)
" He slammed into the glass door that said PULL. His nose hit the pane and he saw stars.
“S**t!” he yelped, “this is a pane-ful entry!” "--s**t, oh god...haha..

After that I got so engrossed in the story, I quite forgot to keep a record of my laughter. Your puns never get old, your little "I know exactly what my characters are thinking before they even open their mouths," kinda jokes are damn funny, and the punch lines are always hilarious. Another awesome story! I say well done!!

[Woody]

gosh, so sweet of you to leave such a glowing review, Moon! I'm super glad this one made you laugh :)))

[Valentine]

This is wildly funny. I like the references throughout the write and then the slam dunk at the end. Wildly funny. Valentine

[Woody]

oh my!! you made my day, Kathie :) thanks heaps.

[Valentine]

My oh my, and I am not even a basketball fan. Kathie

[Woody]

do you mean "my oh my" is something basketball fans say??? I didn't know that!

[Valentine]

No, that was my surprise at making your day. Kathie

[Woody]

lol. gotcha but I like this quip. I think I'll start using it.

[Valentine]

In the states there are many, better find out what they mean before using them.

[Woody]

you're right. I'm constantly learning new expressions :)

[Lydia Shutter]

You had me in the first paragraph with "snails slowed down to cars’ pace." Then, "Thistle have to do!" What grand wordplay! Your sense of humor is charismatic! A horse bartender replaces a cow bartender and the main character has a hat and a "koat" in his name? So many cute, novel, clever, things in this one. You can use "clee shays" all you want because reading you is not "paneful" at all! :) Bravo! Lydi**

[Woody]

I'm humbled Lydia. thank you sooo much. what joy that you enjoyed my loony sense of humour :)

[Bright Ocean Star]

I just have a question. Was the reference to the cow supposed to be taken literally? Because there are some very nasty people (typically men) who refer to ugly women as cows. Just wondering. There are equally blunt women who refer to ugly men as Horse's asses, so I'm not sure which is worse...:) Otherwise, I like it. It fulfills your modis operandi of surprises at the end. Very nice writing, Woody. I think I do like it better as a story.

[Woody]

thank you so much for taking the time Anne. glad you like this one.
now, you've come to know me through my little zany writes. you know I don't do mockery. the cow and the horse are real animals I assure you. I heard it straight from the horse's mouth.

[Bright Ocean Star]

Ha! Thank you, my friend...:)

[Jimmy Yetts]

Would be quite a shock!--horses can be difficult to deal with. I suppose it might have been worse; a donkey could have bought the damned place!
You're a born entertainer, Woody, and a talented writer, to boot.
Great fun, my friend!

[Woody]

thanks a million Frankie boy. praise from an English speaker is invaluable. so glad you enjoyed this one.
you're absolutely right. the donkey would've made a terrible barman. their c**k-tails taste like s**t if you'll pardon my French :)

[Jimmy Yetts]

I agree, Woody!--had more than one jackass serve me bad drinks.