Sex Kills.

Let's say I'm experimenting something.

The black BFTX Jag came down the street at a sedate pace then slowed down and finally stopped in front of a two-storey house, at the end of the block. When the driver finally cut off the engine, the soothing noises of the early afternoon reached him through the open window. Birdsong and the droning of the bees, a clear indication that spring was finally here.

Woody Harrington took off the Raybans and tossed them on the dashboard. He opened the door and stepped out. The sun hit him full in the face, making him squint. He formed a bill with his hand to shield his eyes and looked at the patch of garden where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde was mowing the lawn. He could hear her singing in a husky voice: Baby if you give it to me, I’ll give it to you, I know what you want.

 

Sandy was wearing cut-off Jeans that showed unending tanned legs and a white tanktop that had trouble containing her ample bosom. She looked the picture of health. Her eyes twinkled and her full lips curled into a welcoming smile when she saw the visitor.

“Mornin’, Wood,” she said.

Woody nervously fingered his zipper and replied:

“Eer.. Morning, Sandy. Mike in?”

“Yep. Go right ahead!”

 

[Aah, I can almost see the frown on your faces. I should’ve started from the beginning, sorry. So let me tell you how it all started.] 

Let’s Rewind:

Woody walked backwards down the driveway.

Sandy: “daeha thgir og!”

Woody: “?ni ekiM. ydnaS, gninrom..ree”

Woody fingered his zipper and Sandy said: “dooW ninrom”

Woody continued to do the moonwalk as Sandy broke into a strange song while grass started spilling out of the mower and planting itself back into the ground. 

Woody reached the road and stopped to shield his eyes against the glare of the sun then climbed into his car, backwards. He put his Raybans back on, started the car then reversed to the top of the street.

 

[Press “Play”].

 

Six weeks earlier.

 

“You look worried,” said Woody, after he pressed control/s to save the document he was typing.

Mike, his office mate, had stopped working a while ago and was staring out the window, lost in his thoughts.

“Woody,” he said, snapping out of his trance, “I need your help. Badly.”

"What’s on your mind, buddy?”

“You know Sandy and I are no longer getting on well.”

“I know and I told you a divorce was in the interest of all concerned.”

“Never!” he didn’t mean to snap but his friend didn’t seem to notice. “A divorce would rob me of what’s rightfully mine.”

“How’s that?”

“Well, for one thing there’s her Lexus. Then the farm her late father left her.”

“Oh I didn’t know her father was dead.”

“Yeah, he’s dead alright. Cancer.”

“Cancer? What is it?”

“It’s an incurable disease. Predictable really. He was a chain smoker. Breast cancer. But that’s not what I wanted to talk to you about.”

“Go ahead. Tell me.”

“I want to..”, said Mike and looked at the closed door. “I want to kill her.”

“Hahahaha, you’re a funny gu.. Wait! You ARE serious!”

“Oh, yes, I am. Only I can’t think of a foolproof method. You know how good they are these days with DNA and hair fiber and all that s**t. And that’s why I need your help.”

Woody blew his cheeks, thought a moment then declared:

“Listen, Mike. I know a way. No shooting or stabbing or poisoning involved. It’s a method used by the Phookaz tribe. Somewhere in the Andes.

“Never heard of them.”

“I’m not surprised. Just made it up. Anyway, wanna hear it?”

“Come on, you know I do. Tell me.”

So Woody told him.

“Make love to her as frequently as you can and she dies. No. don’t roll your eyes. Makes you look like a frog. Hear me out. Women’s endurance in the sex department is overrated. Make love to your woman twice or three times a day for two months and I guarantee she’ll snuff it.”

Mike didn’t need much convincing. He took a leave of absence and followed his friend’s advice.

 

Woody didn’t see his friend for almost two months. He decided to pay him a visit.

[This next part, I’ve already told you so let’s Fast Forward, shall we?]

The black BFTX Jag came down the street at a breakneck speed and screeched to a stop in front of a two-storey house, at the end of the block. The driver took off his Raybans and threw them on the dashboard, jumped out of the car, made a quick military salute then walked jerkily up the driveway where a drop-dead gorgeous blond was hastily mowing the lawn. She was singing a rap song in a high pitched voice.

-         

M"MorninWood."

-        "Eer..MorningSandyMikein?"

-         “YepGorightahead!"

[Hit Pause II]

Back to normal speed.

“He’s in the bedroom,” said Sandy, resuming her mowing.

“The bedroom? What is it?”

“It’s a room with a bed and a wardrobe. That’s where we sleep.”

Woody shook his head and proceeded inside the house.

“Hey, Mike!” He hollered. He thought he heard a frog croak. Puzzled, he followed the sound and pushed the door to what he assumed was the bedroom and stopped dead, mouth agape.

Mike, or what vaguely looked like Mike, was propped up in bed, offering his friend what passed for a smile but was in fact a ghastly grimace.

Mike had lost weight. His cheeks were sunken, his eyes threatening to pop out of his head, what’s left of his hair’s all over the place.

“WHAT THE…?” said Woody. “You OK?”

“Never better,” said Mike and smiled again.

“I haven’t seen you for over a month. You got me worried.”

“Worry not, my friend. Been busy lately, if you see what I mean.”

“you mean you went on with the plan? Twice a day?”

Mike was suddenly racked by a vicious cough. Woody expected to see his lungs pop out of his mouth any minute. When the cough subsided, Mike said with a wheezing voice:

“Not twice. Not three times. Four.”

“Jesus! Where did you find the semen, I mean the stamina?”

“Not just a pretty face, am I? You know Woody, I almost feel sorry for her,” said Mike, labouring to breathe, “She doesn’t know she’s got only a couple of weeks to live.” 

Author's Note

if you're a faithful reader of mine, I know you'll understand and commiserate.
if you've just stumbled upon this, know that, occasionally, weird things would sprout out of my head over which I have no control. care to leave your thoughts?

Reviews

[barleygirl]

I'm still getting used to your style & humor, so this one really has my head spinning! Your sense of adventure & imagination know no bounds! I'm amazed at all the little funnies you pack in, along the way, beyond your major central funny of the actual story (like the backing up & fast forwarding). I enjoy a story where the ending is left open, making the reader work for his/her laughter! You're a kick! *smile*

[Woody]

you have no idea how happy you've just made me, barleygirl. I didn' think you'd grace my page again. my type of humour may not be to the taste of everybody but I keep telling those who will listen that my objective is to entertain and I leave the "serious" writes to the others. there are more than enough of them, on here.

thank you, Lady :)

[M.E.Lyle]

Haha, another great one. I think I tried that once and with nearly the same results. Maybe I just dreamed it. At any rate, I'm here to say, it won't work.
Woody, your talent for story telling is unmeasurable. Great job.

[Woody]

thank you my friend. your visits are always like a breath of fresh air. glad you enjoyed. trust me your stories are equally appreciated.

[Tom]

An intuitive and clever write Woody but do I sense a mid life crises coming on ??

Only kidding mate....You're much too young, swift of tongue and full of fun ! 😜

[Woody]

haha Im afraid I'm past my sell-by date my friend. but if I give that impression, I'm content.
thank you for your visit Tom.

[Tom]

Touché my friend

[Great Aunt Astri]

Yes, very original and amusing. makes a good read. I love the way you end. Poor hubby, I am glad he didn't suspect his fate!

[Woody]

thank you so much, Dear. yes, I had fun writing this one.
ignarance is bliss as they say.
read morethank you so much, Dear. yes, I had fun writing this one.
ignarance is bliss as they say.
been away for some time. I need to pop in and check out your work.

[Will Neill]

I honestly believe you are nuts! I haven't been on here for awhile and then I read this, positively original Woody. I cant say I've read anything like this before.Loved it.
Will

[Woody]

I'm elated you liked this one, Will. thank you for gracing my page with a visit.
I'm not often around myself, these days.

[Nadia Gerassimenko]

You outdid yourself yet again! I love how this story is read--rather seen--like a movie...linearly, non-linearly, with pauses, fast-forwards, rewindings. So clever!

[Woody]

:)) I have to admit I particularly like this one. I enjoyed writing it.
thanks heaps Dear

[...]

Do you got squirrels storing nuts in there, woody?? laughing.....you are definitely original, and clever, and FUNNY!

[Woody]

you're too kind. thank you Lynn. yeah we've got a bunch of nuts :)
glad you found it funny.

[William Richards]

Awesome. I like what you've done. I like how that initial scene takes on a whole new interpretation with the second scene. And as always I like the humour. I chuckled a number of times. :-)

[Woody]

awfully nice of you Bill. I'm so pleased you enjoyed this twisted story. been away for quite a while. I'll be back to review some of your writings.

[Symphonic_Sunflowers]

Its been a while since I reviewed you my dear old friend (if you dont remember me please dont be too weirded out) I've always loved your writing. I loved the pausing and rewinding and fast forwarding. It was very clever - very original. Ive always loved the way you write :)

[Woody]

thank you so much Chloe. glad you enjoyed it. of course I remember you. how can I forget that pretty nose ? :)
I haven't been around much myself.

[Christine]

So did Woody know Mike was likely to die? Is he really after Sandy? Very funny story.

[Woody]

thank you Dear. such a pleasure to see you have enjoyed this one.

[Bec]

strange story but good I liked it. so different to what i have read so far :)

[Woody]

thank you so much Bec. I'm so glad you found it entertaining though strange :)