Lucky Ivor

Lucky Ivor

A Story by Woody
"

Nothing dramatic. Just a medical error

"

The droning was becoming irritating. But why was it intermittent? Could the plane be having engine trouble?


“S**t, I hope we won’t crash,” thought Ivor.


The pitch changed into.. into some sort of buzzing! That couldn’t be a good sign, could it? Planes weren’t supposed to buzz, were they? Silence. Then the droning then silence again.


The plane was going into free fall! The passengers were terrified, screaming. Suddenly, the luggage racks opened and bags and boxes rained down on the horrified men, women and children. Oxygen masks dangled and danced about like inverted cobras out of their wicker baskets. Goodness, where’s the upside down fakir?


Ivor Longwon tried to scream but couldn’t. The old lady who’d been sitting next to him, sipping her Martini, was now smothering him, clinging for dear life, screeching at him to save her. Only Ivor couldn’t. His head was stuck between her breasts and he desperately needed to surface for air. Suddenly, his body jerked and he gulped in air greedily. His eyes snapped open. 


He stared at the blank wall facing him. Where was Marilyn Monroe’s poster? His heart was pounding wildly as if he’d run a five-mile marathon. Thank God, it was only a goddamn dream! “But why am I in bed? Where am I?” he thought. The droning resumed. But not the screams. “What the…” 


A fat black-backed fly hovered inches away from his face.


“You b*****d! It was you that triggered that hellish nightmare!”


If the bat flat-flacked bly had had eyebrows, it would’ve raised them uncomprehendingly at Ivor. Instead, it delicately landed on his brow and started feasting on the moisture that had gathered there. Ivor tried to swat it away but couldn’t. He stretched his lower lip out and upward and blew, trying vainly to dislodge it. The tickling was becoming maddening but the fucked black-blocked fly (oh, sod it!) took off and landed on his nose, dangerously close to his nostril then sauntered onto his upper lip. Ivor wished he had a moustache. He couldn’t lift his right arm to defend himself. Hell, he couldn’t feel his arm. His left arm felt like it was strapped to the bed. Terror flooded his mind. Could he be a prisoner of that sick criminal who called himself Jig saw? He expected a gravelly voice to say “Let’s play a game!”


Suddenly, an angel materialized. Gorgeous, all in white. God, that smile! Excruciatingly beautiful!

“Are you…,” tried Ivor. He wet his parched lips. “Are you with Saw?”

“Sore?” said the angel, puzzled. “Doctor Hedd'll be here in a minute. Everything’s going to be fine.”

“Doctor? Why… why am I here?”

“You’ve undergone a surgery. The doctor will explain everything. Don’t worry.”


The door opened silently.


“Ah, here’s Dr Hedd.”


Doctor Richard Hedd, Dick to his friends, strode towards the bed with a broad smile on his face. He didn’t look like Dr House at all. He didn’t limp for one thing and his eyes weren’t blue.


“Ah, I see you’re awake Mr. Longwon. Welcome to the land of the living! 'ow’re you feeling?”


“Like s**t.”

“That’s understandable. The anesthetics can sometimes 'ave that effect.”

“What’s wrong with me, Doctor.”

“I see your mind is still muddled. You’ve come 'ere to 'ave your arm amputated.”

“Ampu WHAT?” yelled Ivor.

“Tated. Gangrene. Don’t you remember?”


The memory came back like a tsunami and nearly rocked the man out of the bed.

Ivor closed his eyes and moaned while Dr Hedd exchanged a here-we-go look with the nurse.


“Where’s my Rolex?” asked Ivor, alarmed.

“Don’t worry. It’s on the bedside table. It’s fake anyway. Now, I 'ave good news and bad news, I’m afraid. Which do you want first?”

“Let’s get the bad news out of the way,” said Ivor, resignedly.

“Right. Ehm… we….”

“Come on, Doc! Out with it”

“Well.. We seem to 'ave cut off the wrong arm. That is the right arm.”

“Oh nonononon!” moaned Ivor. “How in God’s name can you make such a stupid mistake?”

“Now, Mr Longwon. It’s not as dramatic as you’re making it out to be. It's just an 'armless error. We 'ave beautiful prostheses. Before you know it, you’ll be as good as new. You can even choose the colour,” ended the good doctor with a smug smile.

“This can’t be true. I must be still dreaming. What’s the good news? Cheer me up!”


“Aah I’m glad you asked. You’ll be glad to know that your gangrened arm’s getting better; we won’t 'ave to cut it off. Unless you insist, that is.”

© 2016 Woody


Author's Note

Woody
I know that this was not to the liking of everybody. but I'll be damned if I'm going to take out my ugly duckling. it's my baby and I'm keeping it. and that's that!

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Featured Review

LOL!
(I can't believe you made me resort to that. I just couldn't express how hilarious I found this with a mere Hahahaha.)

First things first,
That line,
''...Are.. Are you with Saw?''
It killed me! Man, It's a perfect line. If this was spoken in a T.V show I can see people rolling over and laughing their a*s off.

Second, that punchline.
Daaaamn.
Good one, Good one Woods.

Love this story. Definetly one of my favorites.

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

4 Years Ago

LOL. there I lolled with you so you won't feel embarrassed :)
thank you so much my friend. I'.. read more



Reviews

This was pretty good I love the ending a lot, when it said they cutt off the wrong one I instantly felt bad for the guy having no arms in the end but then you brilliantly added a kick to its end. There some things I would really like to see like when the protagonist replies to the doctors question of how he is feeling and said "like s**t" in my head I kind of see him kicking or throwing up fists while saying it, I thin k it will be a good add, and then when the doctor is stuttering to say that he cutt the wrong arm I wanted to read something like him scratching his head or turning around or nervously flipping through some pages, stalling to tell him the truth. So in between those dialogues I'd like to read their action towards it not just what they are saying like that scene when he received the news. And I think crying would have impacted a lot at that moment. Well that's my opinion, thank you though. :)

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

4 Years Ago

good points, Sir!
ok let's see. when he said "like s**t" he was not aware yet that his arm w.. read more
It's just an armless error! You are a very punny man, Woody.

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

4 Years Ago

haha well, if you'd peeked at some of the reviews you'd've noticed that this one hasn't had a unanym.. read more
Well this is a dark little piece, Woody! It held my interest, found myself smiling at points, laughing out loud when Ivor found himself smothered in the old lady's cleavage. Good work.

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

4 Years Ago

yes, Taylor, I've finally come to accept the idea that this is a somewhat dark one. some said I had .. read more
Another good read. Clever too.

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

4 Years Ago

thanks a lot Aunt Astri. glad you found it enjoyable.
Ah,oh dear. I wasn't actually referring to any specific spelling or punctuation issues in your writing Woody, more pointing out that such stuff can be easily remedied if needs be. Whereas the ability to bring characters to life is a gift that not all writers have. :))

Beccy.

Posted 4 Years Ago


Woody

4 Years Ago

ok ta very much. I certainly need the reviewer's eyes to make a piece better. x
What with Ivor Longwon, Doctor Hedd and the fake Rolex, this was a chuckle a moment Woody.

Spelling, Grammar punctuation and all that apart, (which are simply the mechanics of writing,) I find it delightful that you always deliver not just humour, but that you also have the natural gift of voicing and pacing. Without fail, you flesh out your characters to the point where they really do come alive; which is why I always read your stories and thoroughly enjoy myself.

Beccy. x

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

4 Years Ago

thanks a bunch, Dear. I can always count on you to boost my confidence in myself. I'm aware that my .. read more
No need for pedantry. This is a delightful shaggy-dog story with a twist. I enjoyed reading it twice.

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

4 Years Ago

thank you so much Peter. now the positive reviews are overweighing the negative ones, I'm feeling so.. read more
[means to cut suggestion] {add a word }

The [droning] {drone} [of the plane] was becoming irritating. But why was it intermittent? Could the plane be having engine trouble?

You don't have to mention plane twice, the reader will get it.

“God, I hope we won’t crash,” thought Ivor. Ivor is telling, use 'He' you can introduce his name later, bt it's not essential to the story. God is offensive to many, bets to use something like 'Blimey'. If you want to publish that is.

The pitch changed into.. into some sort of buzzing! That couldn’t be a good sign, could it? Planes weren’t supposed to buzz, were they? Silence. Then the droning then silence again.

The plane was going into free fall! The passengers were terrified, screaming. The luggage racks opened suddenly and bags and boxes rained down on the terrified men, women and children. Oxygen masks dangled and danced about like inverted cobras out of their wicker baskets. Jesus, where’s the upside down fakir?

Terrified is telling, screaming should be enough. too many 'and's suddenly and bags and boxes, try suddenly, bags and boxes... use of terrified again, limit repeated words in a paragraph unless there is a very good reason, don't worry, we all do it. Best leave 'Jesus' out of it, women's magazines might not publish. Use another expletive.

Ivor Longwon tried to scream but couldn’t.

Now you have introduced the name, so you don't need it in the first paragraph.

The old lady who’d been sitting next to him, sipping her Martini, was now smothering him, clinging for dear life, screeching at him to save her. Only Ivor couldn’t. His head was stuck between her breasts and he desperately needed to surface for air. Suddenly, his body jerked and he gulped in air greedily. His eyes snapped open.

He stared at the blank wall facing him. Where was Marilyn Monroe’s poster? His heart was pounding wildly as if he’d run a five-mile marathon. Thank God, it was only a goddamn dream! “But why am I in bed? Where am I?” he thought. The droning resumed. But not the screams. “What the…”

A fat black-backed fly hovered inches away from his face.

“You b*****d! It was you that triggered that hellish nightmare!”

If the bat flat-flacked bly had had eyebrows, it would’ve raised them uncomprehendingly at Ivor. Instead, it delicately landed on his brow and started feasting on the moisture that had gathered there. Ivor tried to swat it away but couldn’t. He stretched his lower lip out and upward and blew, trying vainly to dislodge it. The tickling was becoming maddening but the fucked black-blocked fly (oh, sod it!) took off and landed on his nose, dangerously close to his nostril then sauntered onto his upper lip. Ivor wished he had a moustache. He couldn’t lift his right arm to defend himself. Hell, he couldn’t feel his arm. His left arm felt like it was strapped to the bed. Terror flooded his mind. Could he be a prisoner of that sick criminal who called himself Jig saw? He expected a gravelly voice to say “Let’s play a game!”

Suddenly, an angel materialized. Gorgeous, all in white. God, that smile! Excruciatingly beautiful!
“Are you…,” tried Ivor. He wet his parched lips. “Are you with Saw?”
“Sore?” said the angel, puzzled. “Doctor Richard Hedd'll be here in a minute. Everything’s going to be fine.”
“Doctor? Why… why am I here?”
“You’ve undergone a surgery. The doctor will explain everything. Don’t worry.”

The door opened silently.

“Ah, here’s Dr Hedd.”

The doctor strode towards the bed with a broad smile on his face. He didn’t look like Dr House at all. He didn’t limp for one thing and his eyes weren’t blue.

“Ah, I see you’re awake Mr. Longwon. Welcome to the land of the living! 'ow’re you feeling?”

“Like s**t.”
“That’s understandable. The anesthetics can sometimes 'ave that effect.”
“What’s wrong with me, Doctor.”
“I see your mind is still muddled. You’ve come 'ere to 'ave your arm amputated.”
“Ampu WHAT?” yelled Ivor.
“Tated. Gangrene. Don’t you remember?”

The memory came back like a tsunami and nearly rocked the man out of the bed.
Ivor closed his eyes and moaned while Dr Hedd exchanged a here-we-go look with the nurse.

“Where’s my Rolex?” asked Ivor.
“Don’t worry. It’s on the bedside table. It’s fake anyway. Now, I 'ave good news and bad news, I’m afraid. Which do you want first?”
“Let’s get the bad news out of the way,” said Ivor, resignedly.
“Right. Ehm… we….”
“Come on, Doc! Out with it”
“Well.. We seem to 'ave cut off the wrong arm. That is the right arm.”
“Oh nonononon!” moaned Ivor. “How in God’s name can you make such a stupid mistake?”
“Now, Mr Longwon. It’s not as dramatic as you’re making it out to be. It's just an 'armless error. We 'ave beautiful prostheses. Before you know it, you’ll be as good as new. You can even choose the colour,” ended the good doctor with a smug smile.
“This can’t be true. I must be still dreaming. What’s the good news? Cheer me up!”

“Aah I’m glad you asked. You’ll be glad to know that your gangrened arm’s getting better; we won’t 'ave to cut it off. Unless you insist, that is.”


Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

4 Years Ago

thank you ever so much for your patience and thoroughness, Frank. with an editor like you, I could p.. read more
Frank

4 Years Ago

Hi Woody, these are just ideas for you to peruse, you don't have to explain any changes to me, it is.. read more
Frank

4 Years Ago

Aim your work for different magazines, if you are hoping to publish in a church magazine have a vers.. read more
You are bad Woody, but that was a gem of a short story. Why don't you start submitting to publishers, I am sure someone will snap them up. Very original.

A little tidying up needed though:

If the bat flat-flacked bly had had eyebrows,

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

4 Years Ago

ooh thanks a million Frank. a few reviewers thought it weird and almost made me take it out. so glad.. read more
Frank

4 Years Ago

They are original Woody, there are typos you need to work on. I am the worse typist in the world and.. read more
Frank

4 Years Ago

I have made some suggestions Woody, enough for you to work opn. Hope it helps. Remember, its your wo.. read more
"bat flat-flacked bly" hahahha, you slayed me there, Wood.
That's the kind of dark humor I grew up on :)

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

4 Years Ago

hahaha glad you enjoyed it Mood. I have to admit that when it comes to humour, it's no holds barred .. read more

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Stats

1357 Views
30 Reviews
Rating
Shelved in 2 Libraries
Added on February 4, 2016
Last Updated on February 22, 2016
Tags: surgery, amputation, error

Author

Woody
Woody

Mateur, Bizerte, Tunisia



About
ok, time for an update I think. my old friends have come to know me pretty well, I trust so this is for the new comers. I'm a Tunisian 60-year-old teacher-cum-translator, book worm who enjoys writing.. more..

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