Lucky Ivor

Lucky Ivor

A Story by Woody
"

Nothing dramatic. Just a medical error

"

The droning was becoming irritating. But why was it intermittent? Could the plane be having engine trouble?


“S**t, I hope we won’t crash,” thought Ivor.


The pitch changed into.. into some sort of buzzing! That couldn’t be a good sign, could it? Planes weren’t supposed to buzz, were they? Silence. Then the droning then silence again.


The plane was going into free fall! The passengers were terrified, screaming. Suddenly, the luggage racks opened and bags and boxes rained down on the horrified men, women and children. Oxygen masks dangled and danced about like inverted cobras out of their wicker baskets. Goodness, where’s the upside down fakir?


Ivor Longwon tried to scream but couldn’t. The old lady who’d been sitting next to him, sipping her Martini, was now smothering him, clinging for dear life, screeching at him to save her. Only Ivor couldn’t. His head was stuck between her breasts and he desperately needed to surface for air. Suddenly, his body jerked and he gulped in air greedily. His eyes snapped open. 


He stared at the blank wall facing him. Where was Marilyn Monroe’s poster? His heart was pounding wildly as if he’d run a five-mile marathon. Thank God, it was only a goddamn dream! “But why am I in bed? Where am I?” he thought. The droning resumed. But not the screams. “What the…” 


A fat black-backed fly hovered inches away from his face.


“You b*****d! It was you that triggered that hellish nightmare!”


If the bat flat-flacked bly had had eyebrows, it would’ve raised them uncomprehendingly at Ivor. Instead, it delicately landed on his brow and started feasting on the moisture that had gathered there. Ivor tried to swat it away but couldn’t. He stretched his lower lip out and upward and blew, trying vainly to dislodge it. The tickling was becoming maddening but the fucked black-blocked fly (oh, sod it!) took off and landed on his nose, dangerously close to his nostril then sauntered onto his upper lip. Ivor wished he had a moustache. He couldn’t lift his right arm to defend himself. Hell, he couldn’t feel his arm. His left arm felt like it was strapped to the bed. Terror flooded his mind. Could he be a prisoner of that sick criminal who called himself Jig saw? He expected a gravelly voice to say “Let’s play a game!”


Suddenly, an angel materialized. Gorgeous, all in white. God, that smile! Excruciatingly beautiful!

“Are you…,” tried Ivor. He wet his parched lips. “Are you with Saw?”

“Sore?” said the angel, puzzled. “Doctor Hedd'll be here in a minute. Everything’s going to be fine.”

“Doctor? Why… why am I here?”

“You’ve undergone a surgery. The doctor will explain everything. Don’t worry.”


The door opened silently.


“Ah, here’s Dr Hedd.”


Doctor Richard Hedd, Dick to his friends, strode towards the bed with a broad smile on his face. He didn’t look like Dr House at all. He didn’t limp for one thing and his eyes weren’t blue.


“Ah, I see you’re awake Mr. Longwon. Welcome to the land of the living! 'ow’re you feeling?”


“Like s**t.”

“That’s understandable. The anesthetics can sometimes 'ave that effect.”

“What’s wrong with me, Doctor.”

“I see your mind is still muddled. You’ve come 'ere to 'ave your arm amputated.”

“Ampu WHAT?” yelled Ivor.

“Tated. Gangrene. Don’t you remember?”


The memory came back like a tsunami and nearly rocked the man out of the bed.

Ivor closed his eyes and moaned while Dr Hedd exchanged a here-we-go look with the nurse.


“Where’s my Rolex?” asked Ivor, alarmed.

“Don’t worry. It’s on the bedside table. It’s fake anyway. Now, I 'ave good news and bad news, I’m afraid. Which do you want first?”

“Let’s get the bad news out of the way,” said Ivor, resignedly.

“Right. Ehm… we….”

“Come on, Doc! Out with it”

“Well.. We seem to 'ave cut off the wrong arm. That is the right arm.”

“Oh nonononon!” moaned Ivor. “How in God’s name can you make such a stupid mistake?”

“Now, Mr Longwon. It’s not as dramatic as you’re making it out to be. It's just an 'armless error. We 'ave beautiful prostheses. Before you know it, you’ll be as good as new. You can even choose the colour,” ended the good doctor with a smug smile.

“This can’t be true. I must be still dreaming. What’s the good news? Cheer me up!”


“Aah I’m glad you asked. You’ll be glad to know that your gangrened arm’s getting better; we won’t 'ave to cut it off. Unless you insist, that is.”

© 2016 Woody


Author's Note

Woody
I know that this was not to the liking of everybody. but I'll be damned if I'm going to take out my ugly duckling. it's my baby and I'm keeping it. and that's that!

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Featured Review

LOL!
(I can't believe you made me resort to that. I just couldn't express how hilarious I found this with a mere Hahahaha.)

First things first,
That line,
''...Are.. Are you with Saw?''
It killed me! Man, It's a perfect line. If this was spoken in a T.V show I can see people rolling over and laughing their a*s off.

Second, that punchline.
Daaaamn.
Good one, Good one Woods.

Love this story. Definetly one of my favorites.

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

4 Years Ago

LOL. there I lolled with you so you won't feel embarrassed :)
thank you so much my friend. I'.. read more



Reviews

Well at least he will be able to still wear his watch. :)
Nice one Woody.

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

4 Years Ago

yes a Rolex is meant to be worn, even if it's fake.
thanks a lot alife. another positive revi.. read more
alifeacoustic

4 Years Ago

I'm always see mixed reviews as a good thing, it means you aren't afraid to push the boundaries to b.. read more
Woody

4 Years Ago

many thanks my friend
Nothing like a bit of 'armless' fun! Nice one.

Boblakin

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

4 Years Ago

haha there's a man after my own heart!! thank you boblakin. glad to see that you picked on the funny.. read more
I'll have a glass of whatever you're drinking! :))

T

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

4 Years Ago

haha afraid drink's got nothing to do with it. care for a few puffs of this excellent spliff? (is th.. read more
Momma told me there'd be days like this.... I didn't believer her.....interesting spiral effect with the narrative Woody. Liked.

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

4 Years Ago

you make me wish I'd written this on top: think you're having a bad day?
I'm super glad you s.. read more
Very Python-esque ... your imagination must be an interesting place. Not really my cup of tea, but if Samuel Dickens is on your side then keep the faith and carry on.

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

4 Years Ago

thank you Sir. I feel flattered that my writes bring to the reader's mind such legends as Monty Pyth.. read more
Nigel Newman

4 Years Ago

No, I mean it. Keep the faith. For some reason I'm thinking of the knight in shining armour who los.. read more
Woody

4 Years Ago

thank you very much for your thoughtfulness, Nigel. boy, did that scene make me laugh!! "come back a.. read more
Oh, the horror! The nightmarish, wacky horror! Woody, I think you've been reading Poe while watching Mel Brookes movies. Buddy, your humor is in fine form.

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

4 Years Ago

AAAAH you don't know the good you've done me my friend! thanks a million Sam. the other reviewers ga.. read more
Whoa! pushes the envelope for sure...Doctor Dumf Huk ain't no blue-eyes but the humour is blue - bottled like the fly - Ivor is undone! That's neat the way you merged the plane drone into the buzz of a saw...and all the rest deliciously Roald Dahlesque.

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

4 Years Ago

aaah thank you Solar. your words make me feel slightly better. Roald Dahl, eh? I've been likened to .. read more
Solar

4 Years Ago

'Dahl-ing' eez a compliment - haha
Woody

4 Years Ago

hahaha good one!!
[send message][befriend] Subscribe
...
Your pen's having a bad trip, Woody hahaha I'm blaming it all on the pen :) Either that or you have read to many Dean Koontz novels. Laughing...

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

...

4 Years Ago

It's trippy...I think Hollywood might like it. Seems they are stuck on zombies, vampires, and super .. read more
...

4 Years Ago

I can see it now...evil pen writes out mans life of horror hahaha
Woody

4 Years Ago

trippy's the right word. I've had my doubts about the stuff I've been smoking. I've been had.
OMG...this one is really sick....the doctor cut off the wrong arm and then the good arm heals so no surgery would have been necessary at all? Talk about dark humor! I liked the "fake rolex" idea. The fly having eyebrows....shades of psychedelic trips! Woody, not sure what to say other than your stories are certainly unique! Lydi**

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

4 Years Ago

oh my. I realise now this one's not going to win a lot of people over. ah well black humour is black.. read more
Lydia

4 Years Ago

No, don't feel bad. It was just a bit more "out there" than the norm for you.
Goodness! How does your mind work?! Really!?!

Ive never read a plot like this before.

Im amazed.

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Scrap

4 Years Ago

It's twisted! One that makes u go 'huh?!' ;)
Woody

4 Years Ago

you mean the end? black humour?
Scrap

4 Years Ago

I think that really lightened up the write. :))

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1357 Views
30 Reviews
Rating
Shelved in 2 Libraries
Added on February 4, 2016
Last Updated on February 22, 2016
Tags: surgery, amputation, error

Author

Woody
Woody

Mateur, Bizerte, Tunisia



About
ok, time for an update I think. my old friends have come to know me pretty well, I trust so this is for the new comers. I'm a Tunisian 60-year-old teacher-cum-translator, book worm who enjoys writing.. more..

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