The Resourceful Doctor

Inspired by a true story

It was a balmy night. The chirping of the cicadas came through the open window loud and clear. The net curtains were swaying ever so slightly as a soft breeze blew from the garden outside. The sound of cicadas usually put Brian to sleep but that night, although he was deadbeat after a day of hauling crates down at the dock, sleep was not to be coaxed. How can you sleep when you have a raging toothache? Brian got out of bed for the umpteenth time and padded, barefoot to the kitchen. Out of his wits, he took a fourth Advil and dry-swallowed it.

Brian had always envied people with healthy, perfectly aligned white teeth. He’d always been plagued with bad dentition. Not that he didn’t clean his teeth. Oh, no! He made a point of brushing his teeth at least once a week, right after his weekly shower. He was that fastidious.

Brian went back to bed. He looked at the luminous dial of his clock. 3:14. God, why’s the night so long? He was going to the dentist’s, first thing in the morning. That damn tooth was coming out, no matter how much pleading it’s going to make.

                                 

                                                   ***********************

It sure had been a long night. Brian was now sitting in the waiting room of Dr. Pulhum, hand on his throbbing jaw, swaying as if to a tune in his head and barely suppressing the moan that threatened to escape his lips. Better not make a spectacle of yourself, he thought, eyes fixed on a crack in the wall facing him. Anything to distract him from his predicament. The whine of the drill, or chainsaw, more like, was not helping any.

Brian had come to Dr. Pulhum, his regular dentist, but the secretary told him he was on sick leave. Clearly annoyed, he told her ‘I noticed he looked down at the mouth last time I saw him’.

‘Don’t worry, Mr. Mista, Doctor Biguns is filling in for him and she’s excellent. Freshly graduated.’

The door to the inner sanctum finally opened and a middle aged man stepped out and flashed him a toothy smile. Show off!

Brian went in and stopped dead in his tracks. Dr. Biguns turned out to be a stunning beauty. Her greeting didn’t register as he only had eyes for her twins, toothache completely forgotten.

‘Please, get on the chair Mr. Mista!’

Brian sat on the Doctor’s chair and Dr. Biguns pressed a pedal several times to bring the patient’s head at level with her eyes. She asked him to open his mouth and bent over to look closely. Her cleavage was dangerously close to his face and he felt giddy from her Shenanigan 5 (apparently, I’m not allowed to name products).

The beautiful doctor looked into Brian’s mouth and when she saw the decayed tooth she exclaimed: ‘that’s deep, deep, deep..’

‘Ok, Doctor, no need to rub it in.’

‘Oh, sorry. It wasn’t me. That was the echo. Now. Your tooth is in such a state and I'm afraid we'll have to pull it out.’

‘Go ahead, Doc. Whatever it takes.’

Doctor Biguns produced a syringe and, once again, bent over Brian but he clamped his lips shut and started to shake his head vehemently. The doctor stepped back, puzzled.

‘Sorry, Doc. I can’t stand syringes,” he said sheepishly.

‘No problem. Here, we’ll use the mask. All you have to do is inh.. What is it now?’

‘I’m claustrophobic. I’d suffocate. Sorry.’

Doctor Biguns put the mask aside and stood with her arms akimbo, eyeing Brian with a raised eyebrow, then turned around, opened a drawer and brought him two pills and a plastic glass of water.

‘Here, drink these!’

‘AAH, now you’re talking!’ said Brian then downed the pills and said ‘I didn’t know anesthetics came in the form of pills.’

‘Oh, those have nothing to do with anesthesia. They’re Viagra.’

‘Viag… Why?’

‘That’ll give you something to hold on to while I pull out your tooth'

Reviews

[...]

See, I decided to come visit and before I even got here I was smiling. Just knowing it's, Woody, I guess. Then I got here and even before I started reading the story I started laughing. Anticipation, and knowing this was gonna be...after reading...exactly what I thought it would be...Woody! And that's it, enough said :))) But in case you are confused, I come here for the cure to madness, and I'm never disappointed!

[Woody]

you are quite the flatterer, Lynn, aren't you? thank you so much Dear :) always a tremendous pleasure to know you enjoy my silliness.

[...]

No I'm serious lol

[Nigel Newman]

Woody, I hadn't dropped by for a while and landed here. Woody, I'm not sure you can say or write these things any longer in the UK - probably even more restrictive in the US but it doesn't seem to stop DT. The journey through was as delightfully light and full of double meanings as usual. But you're way way way in fantasy land here, my friend. Not even Carry On films would have ... oh actually yes they might have.

As always, I enjoy your style.

It may amuse you that earlier this evening I was listening to a Peter Sellers track 'Africa Today'. Given where you live, this may both shock you but also amuse you. The kicker in the final line was prescient in the extreme. But nobody would be permitted to do anything like this these days.

BRs Nigel

[Great Aunt Astri]

Oh you naughty man!!! One of your best stories yet!

[Woody]

thank you so much Aunt Astri. I'm overjoyed you liked this one.

[Tom]

Seems to me that fine young lady dentist has a ' bosoming ' career ahead in her chosen field !

It's a ' cracker ' as the late great Frank Carson would have said !!

[Woody]

thanks a lot Tommy boy. always a joy to know you're entertained by my "dubious" story.

[Norman 223]

I don't know about tooth pulling, but you are quite an expert at leg pulling. This was a great example of corny jokes applied with perfection. Oh, yes, you also have given me the chance to coin a new word "bawdity. Loved it!!

[Woody]

I admit I like corny. my usual excuse is that English is not my mother tongue and I should benefit from a little leeway. I like bawdity. I must remember to use it in a future write.
thank you very much Norman for another flattering review.

[Paloma]

Once a week, he doesn't even deserve Viagra! Laughing out loud at the ending, you're twisted and I love it! :)

[Woody]

and I'm so glad you like the way my twisted mind works :)
thank you very much for dropping in Dear.

[Jacob Clifford]

Great story, Woody! I was giggling throughout the whole thing, and that list line got me laughing out loud. The subtle whiffs of humor throughout the story (brushing at least once a week, Dr. Pulhum, "That was the echo") held my attention all the way to the end.

[Woody]

Clifford my friend, thanks a lot. again. such a pleasure to know you enjoyed this one, too.
I always return the favour so, sorry I haven't reviewed you yet. I'll get to it.

[Roland Petrov]

But is his heart healthy enough for sex? And what if his erection lasts for more than four hours? Curious minds want to know!

[Woody]

look, I'm tempted to say curiosity killed the cat but I won't say it. the important thing is the rudder will serve its purpose. after that, who knows what will happen? he might not want the b.. I mean the bloody thing to go to waste and the good doctor may.. look, don't let me go into specifics. you work it out for yourself.
I apologize for my rambling dear Roland and I thank you profusely for taking the time. I don't see you much these days.

[Roland Petrov]

Haven't been around much recently; you know, the ebb and flow. But when your name pops up, I've just got to know what you've said next!

[busterlee]

Naughty boy. I didn't see that coming but I guess I should have.

[Woody]

thanks heaps for dropping in busterlee. well I'm glad you didn't see it coming, otherwise it wouldn't be funny :)

[Cyprian Van Dyke]

Powerful write. You could really feel the frustration and pain in the patient. Everything read so natural. And i liked your choice of words. The part where the one smiled and showed his teeth and you said, "show off!" was funny.

[Woody]

thank you very much for the read and the compliment Cyprian. glad you enjoyed the story.