History of the World (part 1?)

How God created the universe.

At the very beginning, there was nothing. And I mean nothing. No light, no sound, not even a single speck of dust. Zilch.

Then, came God. To this day, nobody knows how God came to be, not Einstein, not Hawkins, not even Donald Trump. All we know is that He came with a bang. Anyway, God looked around and scratched his head. The place looked empty so he decided to furnish it. 

He made billions of galaxies which he filled with planets. At first, things were somewhat messy, chaotic. After all, it was only a start. In fact, there were zillions and trillions of billions of planets that kept bumping into each other. Some even broke apart. But God almighty is, well, almighty, right? So within only 6 days, he got the hang of it and accomplished a feat nobody has ever come close to achieving. He worked out the gravity business and the value of “e”. He created planets of various shapes and colours. There was a red planet, another one with rings all around it. God outdid Himself with that one. There was a blue one with plenty of water on its surface. God Almighty had great fun. His only regret was that there was no one around to admire his handiwork and congratulate him. 

God stepped back and contemplated his work. Something was missing but he couldn’t put his holy finger on it.And then it hit him! It was too dark. God smiled and said: “Let there be light!” Huge balls of fire sprang to life and illuminated the wide expense. “Gosh, I’m good!” boomed God in his gravelly voice that was strangely reminiscent of that of Morgan Freeman.

God sat and pondered his next move. The blue planet was his favourite so he thought of infusing some life in it. First he made a tiny little cell, then another, then another and watched them merge together to make bigger cells. They kept expanding and God thought “Well, blimey! Look what I’ve just made! I’ve just created life!”

 

One Wednesday morning, as God was watching his little cells, marveling at their creation and feeling proud, no doubt, wouldn’t you be? He had an epiphany. “What if I created bigger creatures?” He mused. And He set about creating enormous beings. And that’s how dinosaurs came to be. The good Lord created diplodocuses, tyrannosaurus rex, stegosaurus...Of course at the time, they didn’t have those names. Almighty God referred to them simply as “the big thingies”. It’s only later, much much later that Man, God’s worst creation to date, gave them those fancy names. 

For millions of years (yes, time means nothing to God. He’s Almighty, silly), the Big Thingies roamed the earth, wreaking havoc on God’s favourite blue planet. When God noticed the devastation and the huge amount of dung that disfigured Earth, he thought enough was enough. With a flick of his holy wrist, he summoned a deluge of meteorites to come down and wipe out all the critters.             

Earth remained lifeless, except for the luxurious fauna, until the good Lord, one day, had another epiphany. He smiled, scratched his luxurious white beard and thought “I think I’ll create something in my image”. God chuckled to himself and snapped his holy fingers. At first, He was not happy with what he's done but for a few hundreds years, he kept at it until finally He was satisfied with the result. Man was created. He was exactly the same as you and me, except much uglier. For one, he had no testicles (what’s the use?), just a tiny penis to relieve himself. He also had prominent eyebrows and was covered in hair. yuck!                                                                   

God sat back on his golden throne and thought his masterpiece deserved a better place to live so he put him in his secret garden, Eden, and called him Dick then thought of a better name and called him Adam. “Yes, you look more like an Adam than a silly Dick,” God said, satisfied.

Adam lived in heaven for 230 years (death was not yet invented) happy as can be when one Christmas Eve, God had the dubious idea of creating a better half for Adam. Well, Adam has never been the same again, I can tell you, but that’s another story which I might tell you if I can get a thousand likes.

Author's Note

to be honest, I feel kinda rusty. can you tell? I'll let you be the judge.

Reviews

[Nigel Newman]

Well Woody, we're waiting. I saw one person gave you hundreds of likes so we must well over 1,000 by now. Maybe by then we'll have Hawking or Dawkins rather than Hawkins ...? As always, a very very readable journey. I want to hear the outcome of the Adam 'better half' story. Can't imagine how you'll end it ... maybe 'they all lived happily ever after ...'

Cheers
Nigel

[Woody]

haha I might filch your "happily ever after" for the sequel. thanks a ton Nigel. the story's brewing. won't be long now. I'm elated you enjoyed this one.

[Norman 223]

You have made my day with this, Woody. With your interpretation and my version of "In the Beginning" it seems that Genesis will never be the same again. Can I give you the other 9,999 likes for the sequel?

Norman

[Woody]

you are too kind Norman thanks loads. much appreciated. I don't know if I've already read "in the beginning" but I'm certainly going to check.

[Lydia Shutter]

No dust? Man, I wish I had been around then! :) My closet has never stepped out of the messy and chaotic phase! Your descriptions had me giggling throughout....no testicles...a tiny penis? OMG, Woody, you rock! I wish death had never been invented! A thousand likes? Hell, you should get TWO thousand for each of your stories. Unfortunately, I have so little time to read lately. Glad I took the time with this one. Well worth it. Lydi**

[Woody]

aww Lydi you made my evening. thank you. glad you liked it. the thousand likes was of course a joke, like they do it on facebook sometimes but if I get two thousand from you, that's fine by me :)

[Jacob]

Huh... That's not how I remember it. Oh well, it still caused a good chuckle. It's a bit sad though that the 'Big Thingies' had still been around.

[Woody]

well I don't know how you remember it, GW, but that's exactly how it happened. I never lie.
thanks loads for stopping in :)

[M. L. F.]

I ADORE THIS PIECE!! The humor and simply, the content of it is just great! I've never read your work before and am glad I stumbled on this one... ;). Very cool..
.. Misty

[Woody]

thank you so much Misty. I'm elated you enjoyed this one. and please forgive my tardiness.

[Jacob Mahurien]

I sense a bit of Douglas Adams in your writing. Loved that last line there. I actually had to stifle a laugh.

[Woody]

tha name rang a bell so I quickly googled him. I must've come across that Hitchhiker's guide but I haven't read the whole thing. so I'm flattered that you liken, even slightly, my writing to that of Douglas Adams. thank you very much for stopping in Jacob

[1VJ]

I was brought to your page by a nagging need for something funny, and I got more than I asked for....you're a hoot! Not even Donald Trump....unfreakingbelieveable. ;) Ha ha at Morgan Freeman, alright I laughed all the way through! A silly dick, can't wait to read about Eve and her escapades. The world according to Woody, yep!

You're getting 100 for this artistic burlesque show! :)

[Woody]

awwww I'm in heaven :))))) thank you dear Paloma you made my day. glad this helped brighten yours. x

[1VJ]

Totally my pleasure! :) I was desperately in need of a good laugh! x

[Lorry]

Not even Trump, nice one. If only you modernised the complete bible in this way, it would probably still be number one in the book charts. Would definitely have hooked younger me with all those big thingies having the place to themselves, rent free too.Great Job with this, your sense of humour in this piece really made me laugh.
So, if you're up for it, then I'm game too.......Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like 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Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like Like and Like .
Phew, thank God for copy and paste 
Now where's part two :)

[Woody]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA what a wonderful review!!! my last sentence was meant as a joke but I'm not complaining. not at all :)))) thank you very much Nemo. you're too kind. I'm super glad this one made you laugh. I was not sure about a part 2 but now, I'll have to seriously think about it. I wouldn't want to disappoint you.

[Lorry]

Yeah, you said it, so get started :)

[Stan Lee]

"the big thingies" (chuckles to myself) and "the huge amount of dung" xD
I think I liked the big thingies best. Welcome back Woody & if this is how you write when you're feeling rusty... I mean, it seemed pretty brilliant to me. Captivating, fast paced, funny & entertaining. Definitely a work of Woody. Can you tell that I'm jealous of your talent? :)
Thanks for sharing! Hope we see more soon!

[Woody]

such sweet words, Andrea! you're a darling (can I say that? in French it's perfectly acceptable).read moresuch sweet words, Andrea! you're a darling (can I say that? in French it's perfectly acceptable).
thank you so much Dear. always a pleasure to see you appreciate my outlandish (?) stories.

[barleygirl]

You are soooo wrong about being rusty, my friend! The whole reading, I was thinking you needed this summer break becuz now you're back in better form than ever! The best part is the way you took your time and it felt like a leisurely stroll thru the asides & zingers, one after another, more imaginative than when we last read you regularly here. The first two paragraphs are a great opening becuz of your repetitive way of describing something in increasingly dramatic terms, like a list of attributes, culminating with "not even Donald Trump" which must be 100 times funnier to we in the US who have been listening to his boastful BS daily for well over a year now. Love: "couldn't put his holy finger on it" . . . the deeply reverberating voice of Morgan Freeman couldn't be more perfect to imagine as God's voice . . . when you got to the dinosaurs I started thinking this was going to parallel the way we greedy humans ("God's worst creation to date") are plowing this planet into destruction, but it went another direction. Just when I was afraid I was going to have to sit thru a holy sermon without any mention of my favorite body parts (no testicles?!?!?!), lo & behold, we knew that Woody was still in there somewhere becuz he can't resist taking things for a teensy dip in the gutter. Let it suffice to say, you have left yourself plenty of SPACE with which to fashion your next missive of pure nonsense. Thank you for taking the summer off so you could replenish your juice, babycakes (((HUGS)))

[Woody]

ohboyohboyohboy what a treat this is!! :))))) I feel so much better Marge. thank you Dear for this sweet review which completely annihilated my doubts. see you around x

[alanwgraham]

You can have a like from me first. I did a creation myth too but it wasn't half as much fun as this one. There aren't enough 'Woodies' about in the great writerscafe in the cloud. Please keep on making us laugh and smile - I can't seem to make my own mind up - one can have some humour and then its back to the serious stuff like apocalypse, murder and mayhem.
Cheers,
Alan

[Woody]

thank you very much my friend for stopping in and for your kind words. yes life is too full of mayhem as you say so let's not add to it. that's my motto anyway. glad you found this entertaining.