superstar gain its hidden shine

When sitting in a math classroom, I couldn’t remember half the words. “Fat” is the word I remember the most form school. I was called fat and ugly in elementally school why would I think it would be different in middle school.  I wore boy’s husky jeans and T shirts most of the time; I didn’t feel cute or pretty enough to dress up for school. If wore I tight shirt it would show my fat belly rolls, but the T shirt cover my body like a drape, so my belly rolls didn’t show. I never like wearing shorts or skirts because of short, cubby legs, jeans covered them. I my so called childhood best friend, who would tell I was fat, and that need to lose weight, if I ever wanted to be popular or get a boyfriend.   For years I wanted to lose weight, after years of being booed in gym class when I didn’t   win some racing game, when I couldn’t do a sit up or push up. After years of hearing, “fat desirae”, “dddesirae”, “you’re weird”, “you stink”. Back then I thought if I were skinny and pretty it would somehow erase my past. I would always say I was going to eat salads and work out, but I stuffed my food with the same junk. How could I pass up Fried Chicken cover in courtly gravy, one of my favorite foods for a pile of leaves? And like what I said before I had a burning sweet tooth. I was too set in my emotional eating habits, my mind could say I should change all that wanted, but when my heart felt mad, sad, hopeless, lonely, or even bored, I dived though the unhealthiest thing I could find in my house.

In middle school I started losing a lot of weight, when I wasn’t really trying. When I look back, I see that I wasn’t really that big, I was cubby, but really that fat, but that it didn’t really matter, after years of being told by my peers that I was fat and ugly and talked bad, especially at a young age. They had planted it in my head, don’t   matter how much weight I lost, I still thought I was overweight. I remember when I lost 40 lbs. going from 180 to 140, but I heard the normal weight for my age and height was 110, and I also heard that 30 lbs. above the normal weight was consider obeisance. Didn’t matter to me that I had lost weight, I still saw myself as overweight.     

 

I thought I couldn’t pretty or girly, even after I lost weight. But one day I was flipping through channels and saw this beautiful woman walking down this runway, caught my eye, her dress sparkled and shined but more beautiful was the way she walked so fearless and confident. The show was called Rupaul’s Drag Race. After watching other the beautiful, confident women with shiny dresses and glamorous make up, I found out something shocking about him.

They were all men; men who performed dressed as women called drag queens. I was amazing they looked beautiful.

That’s magic!

I kept watching the show. You some people called “p*****s” and “girly boys” saying that they’re weak and cowardly. I totally disagree not many men I knew would be brave enough to wear a dress and none of them would look as good as the drag queens. And people say their outfits are “overdone”, “tacky”, or “crazy”, but that’s why I loved them, they were anything but boring.   The drag queens were so brave and secure. And they were amazing actors, becoming a whole different gender; they walked moving their hips, standing up pound. And to be honest some weren’t really attractive men, but they acted like they were beautiful. Plus some of them were well… “Plus sized”, but they didn’t let that bring them down. They just made their confidence as big as their waist. 

 And on the show they do all kinds of interesting completions, some would be scared to do, fearing embarrassments or rejection, but great drag queens are aren’t afraid to step out  of their comfort zone, they work their butts for it, and turn into lesson, a way to make themselves better.  And Ms. Rupaul, the main judge, was beautiful, fierce, she was caring and nurturing to her girls as she calls the contests. She only pushed them, because she wanted them to improve, she knew they had something in them that needed to shine.     

 

Form them I learned that if they could sparkle, why can’t I. I remembered my love of acting, my dream of being a movie star, that been buried under my insecurities from being bullied, my family’s instability form my father coming and out of my life. I looked in mirror and realized how beautiful my eyes were, how pretty my long curly hair looked. I realized I was actually beautiful. I began to find more from fitting clothes; I realized I had a pretty figure. I started wanting to dress up more. I started to put stars, sparkle, and glitter on my clothes. I would made and wear muti- colored duct tape head bands, earrings, and other things. I started to be fierce enough to not worry if people thought I was a freak, in fact I prefer to hang out with freaks. And I started to act again, dreaming of stardom.

I heard it said in my favorite Rupaul song   “gonna love you as you are gonna love you, you're a superstar”