Piss and Vinegar

God d****t where's mah whiskey
Ah need sumptin fer mah troat.

Somebody find mah god damn whiskey!
Mah back's a achin and mah troats dry.

Jesus Christ cain't nobody he'ah me?
Where's my god damn whiskey?

Bessie?  Junior?  Annabelle?
Where ya'all at fer cryin out loud?

Well al'right then ahs jus get mah own god damn whiskey,
ever-body lazy round he'ah even the god damn dog ain't around.

Maybe tis he'ah in the kitchen.
No.

Maybe ah left some up stairs,
gotta go up ta god damn stairs.

Christ tain't up he'ah neither.
Bessie!  Where you at?

Ah can't find mah god damn whiskey!
Junior god d****t where you at?

Jesus Christ ahm all alone he'ah.
All alone.  Where the Sam hell'd ever-body go?

Well ah be god dammed.  This he'ah chair all old and busted up.
Shoot this ain't no god damn house ah remember!

Why the hell am ah in this god damn forsaken place?
What kinda place is this anyways?

A hell hole that's what it is.
A god damn hell hole.

Cobwebs eva'where.  Looky he'ah even these windas is broken.
Damn that's strange.  Don't look like nobodys lived he-ah fo yeeahs.

What's that ot ta winda?  A gravestone? Rhat the'ah in ta front yard?
Whose grave stone that be?

What's it say the'ah on that there marka? 
 
Here lies Sam Helton

Why that be me! 
What ta Sam hell?

What's ta rest of it say?

Full of piss and vinegar.
Keep the damn house you ole coot.

Well ah be damned.

Author's Note

Just a figment of my imagination. Ahs don't knows nobody likes dis.

Reviews

[writernubbin]

Writing idiomatic slang is tough. Most writing authorities advise against writing it at all unless you can get it right--exactly right. In your note, 'Ahs don't knows nobody likes dis.'...LOL...I do. I'm originally from Oklahoma and we have lots of red-necks and slang. I like the story...I love the ending! But if you were to seriously write this slang in a story, you need to do more research and listen to it spoken. It's not quite right...I can tell ya that for a fact, yassah :)

ie. in Oklahoma, barbed wire is pronounced 'bob war' , where is 'whar', there is 'thar' (ova thar, ova yonda) and a lot of 'huh?' LOL

Good story!

[Doreen]

lol Very cute. He sounds like a character in one of my stories. It's a great story with a nice twist of an end. The diction was a *little* bit of a challenge to read, but it lent to the character and didn't take away from the poem or the story.
dis a good storeh fo shuah. :)

[Ellen Hammond]

I am glad I finally felt up to spending a little time at WC tonight, trying to catch up after months of being basically absent. This just made my night! It is really funny and yet it carries a message too. Great job!

[miSS LEaf]

funnily enuff i think i like this! still laughing as i type this comment, great stuff :)

~L

[Devons]

Extremely funny!! And the way you phonetically conveyed the hillbilly accent really summoned a picture in my mind of this ole ma'hn...(actually the one i heard in my head was a character in an Adam Sandler film called Billy Madison, who 'hates s**t', so they set fire to some and leave it on his porch to see his reaction..)
Great fun!

[WriterSki7]

Not the words I expect written on my tomb-stone.
Another classic touch of comedy
just as I' expect from Ettorney

[Emily B]

liked the ending very much, loved the epitaph too, I guess he really was

[Sean Allen]

This he'ah's one good poem god damn it. Ah don't know what it means to be full of piss and vinegar, but it looks like Sam was damned like he wanted!

[James Watts]

Well al'right then ahs just get mah own god damn whiskey,
ever-body lazy round he'ah even the god damn dog ain't around.(in keeping with the dialect of the piece ahs just maybe should be ahs jus)

Overall, though, great piece. Enjoyed every word, my friend.

[Chronos]

how'd you think this up this is one of the funniet poems i've read so far.