Ocean Floor

Ocean Floor

A Poem by Evelynn

I fall to my feet
The waves crash onto me
The ocean claims me as its own
I feel myself sinking
I try to reach out
But I'm all alone
I want nothing more
Than to reach the surface
But I'm stuck on the ocean floor
The water fills my lungs
And the light fades
And the darkness takes another part of me
 

© 2018 Evelynn


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Featured Review

The first line is intriguing and I like the alliteration.
I think the ending,
“And the darkness takes another part of me”
is a fantastic way to leave your reader with something to think about.

I’ll try to see if I can be helpful with any constructive criticism.
While I think the metaphor of the waves and ocean is provoking, it can be a bit cliché. Maybe branching out to describe such feelings in different, not often explored ways, or trying to describe metaphors like these in a stranger(for lack of a better word) way, could portray your thoughts in an even more provoking way.

I like the way you write. It is easy to follow along with, yet evokes a lot of meaning.
I really enjoyed the read!


Posted 2 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Evelynn

2 Years Ago

Okay, thank you so much
H L Rose

2 Years Ago

Of course!



Reviews

such a strong feeling of desperation depicted as i read the last line I felt a sense of choking and then a bit sad dear Evelyn:(

Posted 11 Months Ago


The first line is intriguing and I like the alliteration.
I think the ending,
“And the darkness takes another part of me”
is a fantastic way to leave your reader with something to think about.

I’ll try to see if I can be helpful with any constructive criticism.
While I think the metaphor of the waves and ocean is provoking, it can be a bit cliché. Maybe branching out to describe such feelings in different, not often explored ways, or trying to describe metaphors like these in a stranger(for lack of a better word) way, could portray your thoughts in an even more provoking way.

I like the way you write. It is easy to follow along with, yet evokes a lot of meaning.
I really enjoyed the read!


Posted 2 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Evelynn

2 Years Ago

Okay, thank you so much
H L Rose

2 Years Ago

Of course!
like drowning in a world of darkness where monsters search for prey

Posted 2 Years Ago


Evelynn

2 Years Ago

Yes, very much so
What a gorgeous poem. I know the feeling of "darkness as nearly all-consuming" that is described here (all too well). I also can relate to the description of that helpless feeling when you are trying to overcome those crashing waves. Thank you for providing all of us here with the opportunity to read something so beautifully written and easy to relate to.

Posted 2 Years Ago


Evelynn

2 Years Ago

Thank you for reading
We can sometimes drown in our social environment if we let it overwhelm us! Your poetic wordplay reminded me of this and the need to guard against outside influences harming us! Poignant write my friend (note: last stanza - should that read 'part' of me not 'park'?) … :-)

Posted 2 Years Ago


Evelynn

2 Years Ago

Thank you! And yes, it is supposed to say part, thank you for catching that.
Nice piece of writing!! You describe the scene and the feeling of drowning very well!! Thanks for entering my contest.

Posted 2 Years Ago


Evelynn

2 Years Ago

Thank you!
Drowning would be a terrible death. I liked how you describe the need to escape and how the darkness won. Thank you Evelynn for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

Posted 2 Years Ago


Evelynn

2 Years Ago

Thank you for reading!
Coyote Poetry

2 Years Ago

You are welcome Evelynn.
melikes- very descriptive indeed- puts the reader into the mind of the poet/writer!

recherche

Posted 2 Years Ago


Evelynn

2 Years Ago

Thank you so much!
Wow. Very relatable, I can feel myself along with you floating on a cold ocean floor.

Posted 2 Years Ago


Evelynn

2 Years Ago

Thank you!
Najam Us Saher

2 Years Ago

You're welcome.

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Added on July 7, 2018
Last Updated on July 11, 2018

Author

Evelynn
Evelynn

Roanoke, VA



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