Hate

The words spin around the room

Words that I know you've said

Never to me, only to my friends

Words on how you wish I was dead

I can't even be upset at you

After all, I know I caused it

All this hate and rage you feel

Is fueled by a spark I lit

I wish I could hate right back

But how could I when you matter so much to me

When I care for you more than I ever knew

Because after all this time, I finally see

That you mean the most to me

Reviews

[H L Rose]

This has such potential to be a fantastic poem! The concept is strong and emotional, and I think you have included the perfect amount of detail that isn’t over explanatory, yet still gets the ideas across.

One of the areas that I think could use improvement is your word choice. Throughout the poem you could exchange some of your wording, so you are not using so many words like “even” and “all”, that don’t hold a whole lot of meaning. I understand how these words feel important because they add emotion, but I would suggest trying out different ways to add emotion to each line.

I honestly do think this poem is a gem that could be really something amazing and I think this is a fantastic start. The feelings are starting to come through and the concept is depicted well.

“I wish I could hate right back” Is my favorite line!

I enjoyed exploring this concept and I hope you continue to edit and mold it to perfection!

[Weeping willow]

Wow! so sad to see but to finally see. Never to late to forgive and bring back the love. Nicely expressed.

[Evelynn]

Thank you so much!

[Rambone Campos]

Hey the mean behind this is very deep are you okay do you want to talk? Other than that it sounds great I mean it okay.

[Evelynn]

I'm fine thank you

[Einstein Noodle]

I am visiting for the first time ..usually i read a persons oldest posted work...but such a simply stated title hooked me "Hate" what a powerful destructive emotion! I think you give enough framework for readers to hang their own details on .. plain language and straight forward statements, for me, build tension and emotion as i relate it to my own life ... i like it! you have a lot of fine critiques below to change things if you want to ... we can all , always improve our writings ... i like it as is ... had no thought to change this or that ... the bare bones is plenty to draw me in emotionally and intellectually
E.

[Evelynn]

Thank you!!

[Pete]

this reminds me how awful hate is. its such a waste and only hurts ourselves. things have a way of coming full-circle. when you love someone, you can't even hate them when you want to. love is stronger than hate and trumps it ... :)

[aj milton]

For me poetry is not about the writing technique, it's about capturing a moment, a mood or an emotion. You captured that feeling of bafflement when emotions are mismatched and we can't get them aligned.

[Evelynn]

Thank you!

[richieb]

Your words portray the courage to accept blame and learn from your experience. There is pleading in your words to have understanding. Your poem deals with the complexities of a true relationship. Your rises the emotions of the reader and makes them take pause to look at themselves.
Peace,
Richie b.

[Evelynn]

Thank you so much!

[JayG]

A couple of things worth mentioning:

First, you, someone the reader knows nothing about, are talking to someone not introduced, about things we know nothing about. A reader might nod and say, "That's a shame," but you can't involve them emotionally because they lack context. Problem is, readers come to you for an emotional, not an informational experience. The trick isn't to talk TO them, but to make THEM feel the emotions the protagonist is, for the same reasons.

In line with the above, look at the first two lines as a reader, who has only what the words suggest to them, based on their background:
- - - - -
The words spin around the room
Words that I know you've said
- - - - -
"The words?" From a reader's viewpoint, unless we know who's speaking, who they're speaking to, and the subject, what can it mean to a reader? how can words spin around they're unknown and what brought them unknown? Further mystifying it, this person hasn't heard the words, personally, so it's hearsay. They only "know" that the words were probably said (might not be what you mean, but it is what you said).

You know the story behind the story, of course, of course, and because you have context, automatically "fill in the blanks." But pity the poor reader. That's why you need to edit from the viewpoint of a reader who knows only what the words seem to suggest to any given point, based on what went before, not after. Because of that, they don't know that you're going to explain a line later. And, since we can't either retroactively remove confusion, or create a second first impression, you might want to rethink the order of presentation, so as to present a self-guiding trail of context to make the words meaningful to the reader as-they-read.

Next, If you're going to rhyme, as you did in L2 and L4, then continue, because the reader expects that. The alternative is to avoid it. Take a look at the excerpt from Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less Traveled, on Amazon. It has some really interesting things to say about the flow of language, prosody, and poetic structure.

Sorry my news isn't better. But the things I mentioned are part of the learned part of poetry—the tricks of the trade—not a matter of good or bad writing, or talent. So do some digging into them. And whatever you do, hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

[Einstein Noodle]

sorry to but in here...please forgive...Jay... i hear all you are saying but the first three lines for me are enough to involve me .. i, the reader am inside the protagonists head ..hearing the constant swirl of circumstance we just can't get out of our heads ... like a song we don't really like but it keeps repeating in our mind... the thing that gets me about this poem is that the protagonist absolves the antagonist to a certain degree saying the he/she sparked it ... the dichotomy of love hate relationships is clearly shown in my opinion ...the tragedy and loss suffered when one realizes that though self is the cause of breaking up ... one's need and love burns the brighter ... and we disagree about rhyme as well ... i think when it occurs sporadically in lends interest and familiarity if the rhythm is more or less natural ...i do understand your point of view ...no need to defend it ... we just see this one through different eyes ;)
E.

[Najam Us Saher]

It's a quote- people who love you the most will hurt you the most. This fact goes well with this poem, you have expressed your thoughts really nice.

[Evelynn]

Thank you!

[Najam Us Saher]

You're welcome.

[Chopstix]

I am not a poetry reviewer, but the line "After all, I know caused it" reads like a mistake to me it should be either "After all, I caused it" or "After all, I know I caused it"

Overall, I think you summed up just about every relationship I've had after its love/lust/impetus dries up.