A Poem by Evelynn

The words spin around the room
Words that I know you've said
Never to me, only to my friends
Words on how you wish I was dead
I can't even be upset at you
After all, I know I caused it
All this hate and rage you feel
Is fueled by a spark I lit
I wish I could hate right back
But how could I when you matter so much to me
When I care for you more than I ever knew
Because after all this time, I finally see
That you mean the most to me

© 2018 Evelynn

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Featured Review

This has such potential to be a fantastic poem! The concept is strong and emotional, and I think you have included the perfect amount of detail that isn’t over explanatory, yet still gets the ideas across.

One of the areas that I think could use improvement is your word choice. Throughout the poem you could exchange some of your wording, so you are not using so many words like “even” and “all”, that don’t hold a whole lot of meaning. I understand how these words feel important because they add emotion, but I would suggest trying out different ways to add emotion to each line.

I honestly do think this poem is a gem that could be really something amazing and I think this is a fantastic start. The feelings are starting to come through and the concept is depicted well.

“I wish I could hate right back” Is my favorite line!

I enjoyed exploring this concept and I hope you continue to edit and mold it to perfection!

Posted 5 Years Ago

1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


I like that its straight forward. this one seems very sentimental to the writer.

Posted 5 Years Ago

The theme is strong - I'm going to give you that. I also especially liked the ending - that's killer! Then apart from a few moments where your musicality has issues (and the typo in Line 6 and need for a synonym for "caused" so that you land on "it" and fully indicate the rhyme with "lit", you need to be careful with undermining repetitions. Know which lines have the stronger power and let those ones have the brighter spotlight. Lines 2 and 4 - the way they begin with "words" is powerful. The fact that Line 1 has words is not too bad, but it kind of takes away from the complementary brilliance going on in 2 and 4. The more dire case is the last quatrain. Line 4 of that (which is the last line of the entire piece) is a direct repetition of Line 2 of that section. And the last line is more powerful.

That's all I gotta say about this. It's a great start. But it could be better.

Posted 5 Years Ago

0 of 1 people found this review constructive.

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22 Reviews
Shelved in 1 Library
Added on November 21, 2018
Last Updated on December 7, 2018



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