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A Story by Anne Shirley

I remember my English teacher make us write something, what I don't remember why I chose to write this. Anyway, This is short story of a dead person waking up in Hell.

I awoke from my deep slumber and found myself submerged in sea of flames. A moment ago, I was laid in my casket to be buried; relieved that my agony on earth has come to an end, but only to find out it was just the beginning. The pain that overtook my body was more than I can bear. My wailing intermingled with the others. Worms and roaches that crawled into my body’s openings, made me shiver in disgust and in fear. The inferno devoured me whole, and spews me out only to devour me once again. After some contemplation, I have come to realize that it is just right that I am here. I deserve this damnation more than anything. If I were to list all my good and bad deeds, my wickedness would overwhelm it. I cannot also help but regret the life I lived, I would say to myself, “only if I had done this… I wouldn't be here”. But the life I lived no longer matter, this is now and this is where I’ll always be, forever tormented.

© 2014 Anne Shirley

Author's Note

Anne Shirley
Feel free to criticize my work. I wrote this back in 2012.

My Review

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So first the grammar, because that is the way that I always start these things... Really the only thing i really noticed was the change in tenses. You go from the past tense and to the present and back to the past again. When the speaker starts to describe the fact that they are relenting their life then that is a good idea to use the present tense, but everything before that should be in the past. So i strongly recommend that you change the "has come to an end" and the "more than I can bear" back to the past tense. Also the sentence "only if i had done this" should probably be "If only I hadn't done this." It makes more sense and is a lot less awkward. Other than that I really see nothing wrong grammatically.

Alright now that it over with... onto the story. Frankly, I know you don't want to hear this but I was upset that it was so short. It is obvious that you are talented and you could have taken more words to describe the searing flesh, the screams of agony, the maggots and creepy crawlies that slithered in rotting meat.... all of that. Do not be afraid of description, people who say they don't like it are fewer than people that do.
I also love the idea that the speaker laments the wicked life that they have led, but realize that they are doomed to forever endure their punishment. It makes you think twice about all of the evil stuff that one does in their life. It also makes me curious as to what put the speaker there. I know that you may have been vague on purpose about that, but I am still curious.
Well.... that is all of the commenting I am sure you want to read. All in all this is a wonderful story, despite how short it is, and I really just wish there was more.
Keep penning!

Posted 5 Years Ago

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1 Review
Added on October 30, 2014
Last Updated on October 30, 2014
Tags: Horror, Hell


Anne Shirley
Anne Shirley

Manila, Philippines

I love reading book, but I hate school books... I really wanted to be a writer someday; So I read a lot of books to improve my English, by the way I'm a Filipino; and I'm proud of that. I wish som.. more..