Part 4

In life you can come up with reasons to give up, but you might find love somewhere in places you never thought. Don't give up on it? And if you don't get it, you might get something better.

 

We were sitting at one of the picnic tables not to far from her office. It was nice the warmth from the sun beaming down on me, I didn't feel cold or empty anymore. Its like the more I unpack my troubles and the more I let myself feel better the heavy burden I've been carrying around is falling brick by brick. I was again lost in my own thoughts while drinking my cup of tea, she preferred coffee.

"So Cali, tell me about yourself, how did you get to be this other version of who you truly are." She asked sipping on her coffee.

"I thought we here to enjoy the morning fresh air in silence." I asked trying to sound casual. I fail every time it doesn't work with her.

"Please humour me." She said.

"I was born in Cape Pacific on a tiny island on the west coast. Were raised by both my parents. Lived a life of dedicating to the arts in Cape Town. I landed my first job as a copy editor, and then a two years later got my first book published by an American publishing company. That's about it." I tell her sounding convincing. I just basically lied.

"You don't sound convincing." She says.

"Honest truth." I replied. Finishing of my tea.

"If that's true, if you from Cape Town why are you in the States faraway from home. "

"The thing is you already know where I'm from, it’s all in the file. So no need to get into that. I think I'm going to take a walk. See you tomorrow doc."

"Cal!" She shouts. People were watching she called me Cal and not Cali. It’s unprofessional of her to do that or is it. I carried on with my walk after I couldn't hear her voice anymore.

 

Cali you have to stop you can't go through this again. She's the doctor your doctor and you know she's married so start being who you want to be when you leave this place.

 

Somehow I found myself back to my bedroom. I asked the nurse if I can have lunch in my bedroom, they starting to trust me on my own which is something I can't mess up, I have to get better so that I can get out of this place. Two months went by, I've not heard anything from Faith; maybe she's busy at the hospital. I miss her, especially the hugs she gave me and how she always knew just what to say to make me feel better. She was the one person who had faith in me, who believed in me, I owe it all up to her for sharing her God with me.

 

27 April 2011

 

"In quietness and in confidence shall be your strength"

 

The busyness of some people is the evasion of a challenge. They keep themselves busy to avoid listening to the challenge of their inner voices, and they cannot bear the thought of entering a period of silence to meet the challenge of their imperfections and deliberate sins. " Keep busy and the inner voices stifled" seems to be their unconscious philosophy.

This attitude eventually creates mental, moral, spiritual breakdowns, for no human can continue to evade the basic issues of life without serious consequences. The quietness does challenge, but if we have courage to develop and dwell in the Silence of God we find that life gradually starts to sort itself out. Our sense of values is reoriented and we come to grips with our hidden weaknesses and fears.

A life possessing the knowledge born on the Silence of God should be so filled with confidence that possessing greatness of vision and depth of character it can be a master of life.

 

"Greatness" rolled off my tongue.

"You have greatness Cali, that's who you are."

I wish I can also believe in what Faith and now Dr. Walker sees within me.

"Who am I. Where did I come from, why did I attempt to suicide twice in less then a few months apart.

What troubles you?

I remember what Faith once said, "let go and let God" like saying let the guilt, hurt and pain go, and let God heal your soul. Faith send me this book where I take my passages from its like this book was specifically wrote for me, I don't think I could wrote anything like this.

I still do think about them, her and the other one. Whenever someone make reference to the book I wrote it was a painful book to write it was never going to be a book, it was just something for myself to let it all out, I never thought I could feel so much emotions all at once. This pains its been coming for quite some time. Those voices I heard it drove me crazy, yet I still can't place the voice I keep hearing. It stopped. Thank goodness.

 

It was never a game to me, I wasn't playing anyone, and my heart loved both. Some people tell me it wasn't actual love. How do they know if they weren't in my body, if they didn't live through what I have? Only those involve knows.

I'm not someone who would play with once heart, that's something special to give to someone. I have a heart or had one filled with love and devotion, now I'm starting to learn. Mistakes happen, but I don't regret anything about it all. To love someone that much to want to take all there pain upon myself. I was lucky to have the love of those two women I'll cherish it forever. They may have moved on, I would still remember.

"Love only dies when you do"

So if they want to judge me for all this, I've paid my debt didn't I. Look where I am.

 

For long time I denied who I am. I struggled accepting who I am. To the world I'm Cali Davis, but who am I really. A liar, cheater, closeted lesbian. All those labels I wear them daily, I wear the boots of guilt, the shield of torture, the armour of fear, the helmet of depression.

See I made that in my version, but if you a person living by the spiritual realm it would be different.