Night

Just came out of nowhere.

The hawk spreads its wings

And soars into the sky

In the throat of the lark

The gentle note dies

 

Flitting through the trees

A deadly game of tag

Their shadoes follow

With a slight, unpleasant lag

 

Time stands still

A deathly trance

Nature watches transfixed

Their mortal dance

 

A scream pierces the air, and the heavens weep

The devil laughs loud and long.

The winds howl, the oceans roar.

An eerie swan song.

 

The spirit moves on

Its work is done.

Light is past

And darkness begun.

SOUL LESS

Author's Note

Suggest a better title...and some constructive criticism. Enjoy!

Reviews

[Elizabeth Porterfield]

Mayhaps the game of death? I don't know, but this is amazing!!!!!!! I love your choice of words, how elegant they sound. And I love the way you showed the larks death like a loss of innocence, "...the heavens weep/ the devils laugh, loud and long" I have to admit, this is one of the best random pieces I can recall reading:) Great Work!!!:)

[patricia]

In the throat of the lark the gentle note dies...loved that. A beautiful poem. Thankyou.

[.........]

This poem is spectacular. It is very evocative I think, and I am adding it to my favorites. (To be added to my favorites is a big deal by the way...), it means I won't be tired of revisiting it!

The last stanza is definitely my favorite part, because I really like the way it made me feel, surprised almost. It shows that the poem is ending, but its meaning is a strong continuation, and suggesting that it is not necessarily going to be repetitive, more so that it will be moving forward in a way that is different. I get that gist from the line, "Its work is done."

The flow of this poem is perfect, and I love how the rhymes work with your words; they are not forced and the structure is not reliant upon the "what is the next word going to be to rhyme?" feeling, where many writers have rhymes to ultimately to fulfill its purpose-- to rhyme. Many treat it as a strive to find anything at all that will fit. Yours, however, is nothing of the sort.

You are an amazing writer, and if you can keep putting out more like this, I think you will really be getting somewhere. (That is, if you haven't already!)

As for the title, I think "Night" is actually a fairly good title, but I think if you are looking for something different, "Haunting" could be used somewhere in there, not necessarily as an independent word. Maybe "Vigilance"?

Now for constructive criticism: Now that I look at it more thoroughly, I am seeing that your punctuation is inconsistent. In the first three stanzas, you have none at all, and then in the last two, you seemed to have used it too often, where it is unneeded. It doesn't particularly bother me if you don't have punctuation, but, for example, in your second to last stanza, the period after, "roar" is unnecessary... I think it just chopped up your writing a little bit. A comma could have been used there if you really wanted it, but try to keep it consistent throughout the poem. Other than that, this poem is awesome.

Now, after spending a gigantic amount of time typing this, I will add this to my favorites. (This may be my longest review EVER).

[Stripes]

This is amazing. It flows so well and it's very easy to read. The rhymes are nicely done. Keep it up

powerful stuff here, leave night on there and call it "Night has wings" just a thought. I enjoyed your write.

[Lyzzy Redd]

This is really beautiful and creative. The only constructive criticism I have to offer is to watch for punctuation on the last two stanzas. If the rest of the stanzas don't have them, then adding them in a few of them just seems to disrupt the flow. Otherwise, WOW. I was really impressed; this is great stuff, especially because it rhymes.

[NeonWolves]

Eerie. I like it. The image flows so nicely. The game of tag is very interesting.
Another great piece of work, one of my favorites.

[Omar Fendri]

so, the beautiful thing about this poem, beside the description, the image and the way of writing, is the limitless unique imagination that could haunt anyone who reads this poem, and doubtlessly each one would have his own imagination that it's utterly different about yours, because you just wrote down what you felt with no explanation... i adore it

[poetic soul]

very eerie!!!

for a better title, how about- dark silence!

[Natalie]

This is a really nice write. Nice and a bit eerie

[fatalsymphonies]

Wow, this is awesome, I have no more to say about that, it's amazing. Time is a wonderful topic to choose, sometimes its slow, and other times we wish to stop it in its tracks. A hawk spreading its wings is a perfect imagery, wow, i love this. Feel free to review any of mine.