Doomdawn

Grief, loss, the changing world

We always have some debt to pay

At the end of the day

And a blank to fill

But we leave it as nill

The stories we hear

Are not always true

The colour of sky

Is not always blue.

More fishes floating

On the surface of river

the counts of hounds in the city

Are lot more than fewer.

Afraid of flying,

Birds are hidden in the nest.

Flying out the rest taking

Arrows in the chest.

Reviews

[H L Rose]

I'm intrigued. It's not very explicit and leaves a lot of room for interpretation, but that's poetry and isn't it fantastic!

There are a few grammatical things:
In the second stanza line 3, I think there should be an article before “sky”, as in “the sky”.
The third stanza is also missing an article in line 2 before “river” and in line 4, it should be “a lot”.
I'm not too sure, but I think a comma in the last stanza after “Flying out” might make it more clear.

I like the sentiments I derived from the first stanza a lot, but I think the last stanza is my favorite. The only thing I am unsure about is the double usage of “flying” in this last stanza, but what do I know.

I really enjoyed reading it!

[richieb]

Farhan,
Your well written words ring true but Faith,Hope and Love will always rule the day.

[Haniya]

Wow,
Beautiful.

Keep it up!

[Riddhi]

I loved this writing...I liked the way you wrote the first para..It was so deep and thoughtful...And the third para was my favourite..I felt as if each and every line of this poem was written so much thoughts...I loved that melancholic feeling in this poem..I am among those people who don't like dark and gloom poetries but still this was so different from the usual stuff and I indeed liked it..
Keep on writing and Thanks for sharing...
Great work and Keep it up..
Take care..
Riddhi...

[Anjali]

This is so true... I love every poem which rhymes.. and this was just perfection. The concept is quite mature too. And the way you represented it is just wow. Keep it up!

[Avinash]

The symbolic analogies indicate some deeper undercurrents of human life. A brilliant poem my friend.

[Najam Us Saher]

First stanza last line, it must be 'nil'
Of all the four stanzas, I could feel that you talk of things that are undone and the things are not how they seem to be.

[wordman]

a dangerous world for sure,and i`m certain it will get worse

[Ethan]

Your second and last stanzas are very nice, no complaints there, but it seems you often leave out small connecting words like "a" and "the." It confuses the reader and makes your writing feel disconnected. I'd work on that. Otherwise, I liked those two stanzas very much.

[barleygirl]

I love your made-up word for a title. I love that you offer us a story about doom & gloom that doesn't sound anything like any other doom-and-gloom message. This is very fresh & original. You pick interesting comparisons to show instead of tell. Sometimes it can feel like our current world is having this problem all over -- with things not being in harmony at all (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie