Black Eyes

Should I loathe the words I speak?

....Indefinitely,

Strike them from the pages with the erratic swipes of a black quill,

Stain the parchment with ink so the guilt I feel should diminish,

I speak poison unto you a vicious colloquy of animosity,

Save yourself while you still can,

Before the demons who feed on my soul defile yours,

And I drag you down into abeyance. 

Take your asperous  dagger to my throat,

Bleed me with the anger you held down,

For my eyes refuse to leak that salty grime,

Let my neck spill it's blood in return for my arrogance,

If I cannot cry then let my body do it for me,

Whether it clear or crimson,

It still pours fluidly.

Am I dark inside?

If I presented my heart would it just be a void?

I feel it beating but my senses can betray me,

How can I trust the body that hurts so many,

I know one thing for sure though,

It's lucky that my eyes are black,

For I can hide the archfiend behind them.

Reviews

[Adreamer's Bluejay]

Should I loathe the words I speak?
....Indefinitely,

^ These two lines were perfect for your introduction, they really set the tone quickly and clearly without giving anything away just yet. I especially like the way you gave more power ti indefinitely by separating it from the rest of the intro.

Strike them from the pages with the erratic swipes of a black quill,
Stain the parchment with ink so the guilt I feel should diminish,

^ I love the imagery you have here. It is vivid and still tells a story or moves the story along rather, so amazing job there.

I speak poison unto you a vicious colloquy of animosity, < This line is magnificent on it's own and really stands out well.

Save yourself while you still can, < such a common phrase and yet you used it to enhance your piece, amazing job. I'm so glad it did not detract from the rest of your skills.

Before the demons who feed on my soul defile yours,
And I drag you down into abeyance.

^ This made me stop and go "wow." i got so lost in my own thought that i ended up restarting the piece and saw an entirely new meaning in all of it.

Take your asperous dagger to my throat,
Bleed me with the anger you held down,
For my eyes refuse to leak that salty grime,
Let my neck spill it's blood in return for my arrogance,

^ This is... this is a fantastic display of words. And an interesting use of story telling techniques.

If I cannot cry then let my body do it for me,
Whether it clear or crimson,
It still pours fluidly.

^ perfect transition into the next stanza. clear and crimson were great ways of delicately stating your meaning (which was a nice touch since the rest of the piece is so incredibly dark)

Am I dark inside?

^ I love that you start with a question here.

If I presented my heart would it just be a void?
I feel it beating but my senses can betray me,

^ you continued the questioning and even gave a little bit of your reasoning for these questions, excellent idea,

How can I trust the body that hurts so many,

^ i like that you describe it instead of saying how can i trust myself or how can i trust someone in particular. That makes the piece slightly more universal which is a skill most authors seem to be lacking sadly

I know one thing for sure though,
It's lucky that my eyes are black,
For I can hide the archfiend behind them.

^ Great powerful conclusion.

I hope you don't mind that I dissected your piece, there's just so much about it that i wanted to point out was so well done. It truly is phenomenally penned.

[AmandaN]

Taking me back through the ages
to souls who feel the same ..
Great use of words!

[Jack...]

Wow, see I knew it. You are exceptional my friend. This was perfectly written and extremely dark. I liked the entire feel of this piece and I believe I will add it to my favs. perhaps someday I will write as good as you.

[Forgotten]

Thank you! I'm really glad you liked it, when I was born my eyes were black, they thought they would lighten to become brown but it never did so my eyes have been black ever since, they are closer to black than brown by a long shot, my pupil can't ever be seen. Thank you for reading this, put a smile on my face :)

[Jack...]

That is so cool. I don't believe I have ever met anyone with black eyes. you are unique my friend.

[Forgotten]

Thank you, yeah I've never met anyone else with eyes like mine too, my friends all hated my eyes, have black hair with black eyes kinda creeped people out back at my school.

[Jack...]

Well I think it is cool, but then I am a Black Sabbath fan.

[Forgotten]

God I haven't listened to anything from Black Sabbath recently, I used to listen to them a fair bit, no so much anymore though, mind you I used to listen to Ozzy Osborne alot too and that doesn't happen anymore

[Jack...]

I still like Sabbath and Ozzy.

[Forgotten]

Yeah I still like them too! Just not sure where I put the CDSs, mind you I'm a big fan of my record player, I love listening to records from years ago

[Jack...]

I have a vast collection of LP's. You name it and I probably have it

[Forgotten]

Ah nice, mine are all 78s :)

[Jack...]

Must be a country difference.

[Forgotten]

Probably, not sure :)

[Forgotten]

LPs were introduced after the 78s. 78s were introduced in the 1920s fully whilst the LP was introduced closer to the 1950s I think

[Jack...]

You could be right my friend. So what do you listen to on 78's?

[Forgotten]

Oh songs like Annie Doesn't live here anymore, The Deans of Windimere, loads of classical pieces and a few old country songs

[Jack...]

That is so cool. I never heard of these songs or artists. i would love to learn it as i am a musician first and a poet second.

[Forgotten]

Ah well by far Annie Doesn't Live here anymore is one of my favourite ones, oh and My My Ain't that Something is a pretty good one too :)

[Frieda P]

Eartha Kitt???

[Jack...]

You mean Cat Woman?

[Frieda P]

Yep my friends mother used to listen to that song all the time....

[Jack...]

Did you know that Eartha Kitt did a rendition of Guns & Roses "Welcome to the Jungle" on her last album?

[Forgotten]

Hahaha, I just had a listen to one of her songs, she's actually a wonderful singer, I might have to find a record of her

[s y e]

Woah, this was another dark one with some vivid images. Powerful write, I like these, you have a powerful way with words. A dark read that aches....

[Ezekiel Silver]

Amazing. You express the emotions of your poetry so well!

[rhythm&blues]

A deep ache and dark read, this was very well written. I enjoy this darker side of poetry as well.

[Forgotten]

Thank you for your review, I believe dark poetry has so much more of an effect than others, feels like it can be more raw and dangerous

[rhythm&blues]

I like the read, it's not easy to show your true colors, I know I have a hard time expressing the darker side, I shall give your suggestion a try. You are very welcome.

[KAOlmsted]

"I speak poison unto you a vicious colloquy of animosity" --that's a really terrific line.

"For my eyes refuse to leak that salty grime,
Let my neck spill it's blood in return for my arrogance" --and this one, really great stuff.

I enjoyed this work a lot, JP. Thanks so much for sharing it with us.

[Forgotten]

Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed this you actually picked out both of the lines I was actually quite proud of, I much prefer my darker pieces because it feels so much more natural to me. Thanks for the review

[KAOlmsted]

The darker pieces are much more fun to write and, of course, to read ;-) Always my pleasure.

[Coyote Poetry]

I like the poem. Easy to hide anger and disappointment. Some folks don't desire to know peace and calm. Dark side is the good place to be safe and sound. The strong description gave life to the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[Forgotten]

Thank you, as always a pleasure to receive a review from you :)

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Hi J-P my partner and I read this and both agree it is an excellent poem. It flows, is constructed well, portrays the emotion of self examination and doubt so well. A flawless poem!

[Forgotten]

Thank you! That means alot coming from such an excellent poet as yourself, I'm glad you enjoyed this one

[redflutterby]

Dark musings of ones inner demons. Fantastic poem!! :-):