Black Eyes

Black Eyes

A Poem by Forgotten

Should I loathe the words I speak?
....Indefinitely,
Strike them from the pages with the erratic swipes of a black quill,
Stain the parchment with ink so the guilt I feel should diminish,
I speak poison unto you a vicious colloquy of animosity,
Save yourself while you still can,
Before the demons who feed on my soul defile yours,
And I drag you down into abeyance. 

Take your asperous  dagger to my throat,
Bleed me with the anger you held down,
For my eyes refuse to leak that salty grime,
Let my neck spill it's blood in return for my arrogance,
If I cannot cry then let my body do it for me,
Whether it clear or crimson,
It still pours fluidly.

Am I dark inside?
If I presented my heart would it just be a void?
I feel it beating but my senses can betray me,
How can I trust the body that hurts so many,
I know one thing for sure though,
It's lucky that my eyes are black,
For I can hide the archfiend behind them.

© 2013 Forgotten


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Should I loathe the words I speak?
....Indefinitely,

^ These two lines were perfect for your introduction, they really set the tone quickly and clearly without giving anything away just yet. I especially like the way you gave more power ti indefinitely by separating it from the rest of the intro.

Strike them from the pages with the erratic swipes of a black quill,
Stain the parchment with ink so the guilt I feel should diminish,

^ I love the imagery you have here. It is vivid and still tells a story or moves the story along rather, so amazing job there.

I speak poison unto you a vicious colloquy of animosity, < This line is magnificent on it's own and really stands out well.

Save yourself while you still can, < such a common phrase and yet you used it to enhance your piece, amazing job. I'm so glad it did not detract from the rest of your skills.

Before the demons who feed on my soul defile yours,
And I drag you down into abeyance.

^ This made me stop and go "wow." i got so lost in my own thought that i ended up restarting the piece and saw an entirely new meaning in all of it.

Take your asperous dagger to my throat,
Bleed me with the anger you held down,
For my eyes refuse to leak that salty grime,
Let my neck spill it's blood in return for my arrogance,

^ This is... this is a fantastic display of words. And an interesting use of story telling techniques.

If I cannot cry then let my body do it for me,
Whether it clear or crimson,
It still pours fluidly.

^ perfect transition into the next stanza. clear and crimson were great ways of delicately stating your meaning (which was a nice touch since the rest of the piece is so incredibly dark)

Am I dark inside?

^ I love that you start with a question here.

If I presented my heart would it just be a void?
I feel it beating but my senses can betray me,

^ you continued the questioning and even gave a little bit of your reasoning for these questions, excellent idea,

How can I trust the body that hurts so many,

^ i like that you describe it instead of saying how can i trust myself or how can i trust someone in particular. That makes the piece slightly more universal which is a skill most authors seem to be lacking sadly

I know one thing for sure though,
It's lucky that my eyes are black,
For I can hide the archfiend behind them.

^ Great powerful conclusion.

I hope you don't mind that I dissected your piece, there's just so much about it that i wanted to point out was so well done. It truly is phenomenally penned.

Posted 6 Years Ago


Taking me back through the ages
to souls who feel the same ..
Great use of words!

Posted 7 Years Ago


Wow, see I knew it. You are exceptional my friend. This was perfectly written and extremely dark. I liked the entire feel of this piece and I believe I will add it to my favs. perhaps someday I will write as good as you.

Posted 8 Years Ago


Frieda P

8 Years Ago

Yep my friends mother used to listen to that song all the time....
Jack...

8 Years Ago

Did you know that Eartha Kitt did a rendition of Guns & Roses "Welcome to the Jungle" on her last al.. read more
Forgotten

8 Years Ago

Hahaha, I just had a listen to one of her songs, she's actually a wonderful singer, I might have to .. read more
Woah, this was another dark one with some vivid images. Powerful write, I like these, you have a powerful way with words. A dark read that aches....

Posted 8 Years Ago


Amazing. You express the emotions of your poetry so well!

Posted 8 Years Ago


A deep ache and dark read, this was very well written. I enjoy this darker side of poetry as well.

Posted 8 Years Ago


Forgotten

8 Years Ago

Thank you for your review, I believe dark poetry has so much more of an effect than others, feels li.. read more
rhythm&blues

8 Years Ago

I like the read, it's not easy to show your true colors, I know I have a hard time expressing the da.. read more
"I speak poison unto you a vicious colloquy of animosity" --that's a really terrific line.

"For my eyes refuse to leak that salty grime,
Let my neck spill it's blood in return for my arrogance" --and this one, really great stuff.

I enjoyed this work a lot, JP. Thanks so much for sharing it with us.



Posted 8 Years Ago


Forgotten

8 Years Ago

Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed this you actually picked out both of the lines I was actually quite .. read more
KAOlmsted

8 Years Ago

The darker pieces are much more fun to write and, of course, to read ;-) Always my pleasure.
I like the poem. Easy to hide anger and disappointment. Some folks don't desire to know peace and calm. Dark side is the good place to be safe and sound. The strong description gave life to the excellent poetry.
Coyote

Posted 8 Years Ago


Forgotten

8 Years Ago

Thank you, as always a pleasure to receive a review from you :)
Hi J-P my partner and I read this and both agree it is an excellent poem. It flows, is constructed well, portrays the emotion of self examination and doubt so well. A flawless poem!

Posted 8 Years Ago


Forgotten

8 Years Ago

Thank you! That means alot coming from such an excellent poet as yourself, I'm glad you enjoyed this.. read more
Dark musings of ones inner demons. Fantastic poem!! :-):

Posted 8 Years Ago



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Added on April 10, 2013
Last Updated on April 10, 2013

Author

Forgotten
Forgotten

Gloucestershire, Stroud, United Kingdom



About
My real name is John-Paul Crawford, I do voluntary work at Stroud FM and hopefully after my training will be allowed my own slot on air. Writing takes up most of my time, I'm always trying to better m.. more..

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