The Window

The Window

A Poem by Deranged Kiwi

            I look out my window and I see nothing. Sure there is the house next door with a backyard peppered with trees. I see the gray sky looming overhead giving birth to millions upon millions of delicate flurries; carelessly dancing down towards the cold hard ground where they will melt away. Their short lives were overlooked, hardly making an impact to anything.

            My life resembles that of a snowflake. I fall from nothing, lazing around and ambling toward the inevitable. The winds of my life toss me this way and that, pushing me faster and farther toward the end of it all.

            I wake up day after day, even night after night, and I do nothing… I am nothing. I have no goals set, immediate or otherwise. I, simply, roll out of bed and plug myself into a bright screen and choose to get lost in it. Hours will drag by, without food, drink, and even human contact. It’s the slowest suicide and the most torturous, especially when there is a caring mother involved; one who can only stand by and watch, hoping her best was enough.

            What caused this change, you may ask? It is hard to tell. Something dies in me every time I see my mother’s pain-stricken face; every time I hear her coming home from her second job of the day, only to drop down for two or three hours of sleep and repeat the routine. Something dies in me every time I do not physically see my father; every time I hear him throw a party in the basement without a care for his children’s welfare. Something dies in me every time I replay that last conversation I had with him, showcasing his ignorance coated in blatant arrogance. Something dies in me every time my sister comes home from college for a small visit, only to break down and start crying as the situation unfolds before her. Something dies in me every time I look to my younger brother and see that he is not twelve years old, but simply ageless. Something dies in me every minute of every day that I spend in this house, cornered in my room… my world.

            Yet, there may be hope still. My mother is putting an end to the madness… this circus of a life. She is sending me off to Arizona, where I can choose to stay as long as I like. There is hope that my life, or what remains of it, may still be salvaged and saved. Four days yet, till the end of this life of destruction.

No longer will I be a hostage to my own madness. No longer will the days slip past me, turning a Monday into a Friday. No longer will I be consumed by the hole I’ve created for myself. This way I can truly be free from this hell. I need to find somewhere that I belong. Albeit, my heart breaks, still. I feel as though I am abandoning my brother. He seems stronger than I. I sure hope he is.

I look out the window and I see everything. I see everything behind and everything ahead. I hope for a chance to do what is right. I hope for a chance to make everyone, especially my mother, proud. I hope for a chance at love again, one that won’t destroy me like the last. I hope for a chance to restore my faith in what I know is true. I hope for a chance to prove to myself that I am capable of so much more. I hope for a chance to hold my head up high knowing that I did this and more… without him.

I look out the window and I smile.

© 2009 Deranged Kiwi


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Author's Note

Deranged Kiwi
Something I wrote last year and I came upon it.

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this is truly excellent. powerfully written and gripping. keep it up :)

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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Added on October 22, 2009

Author

Deranged Kiwi
Deranged Kiwi

Anywhere I want to be..., NY



About
My name is Ashley Jude. I am 19 years young. I joined WC 2 years ago because I was inspired by a creative writing course I attended in high school. I enjoyed writing and I believed I was getting bette.. more..

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