A Beautiful end(colab with CecilA)

A Beautiful end(colab with CecilA)

A Poem by Rika
"

Thanks to ceclia for the help!

"

An esquisite light blue rose

Covered with melting frost

It's petals now fresh with dew

Drip drops of sweet poison

For whomever's lips it touches

Now lie in death's cold thrall

© 2012 Rika


Author's Note

Rika
Thanks to ceclia for the help!

My Review

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Featured Review

GDM,

I like it a lot but I have a few ideas:

'A fragile delicate blue rose' seems like duplicate words. How about 'An esquisite blue rose' 0r 'An esquisite light blue rose' would do the job.

'Covered in a layer of frost' 'The petals fresh with dew' can't have frost and dew at the same time - unless the dew is melting.

Petals = plural; it (it's) = singular. need to rework this.

Suggestion: How about something like this?

An esquisite light blue rose
Covered with melting frost
It's petals now fresh with dew
Drip drops of sweet poison
For whomever's lips it touches
Now lie in death's cold thrall

Sorry for trying to write for you but it's the easiest way for me to show you what I'm thinking without writing an epistle about it.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 11 Years Ago


3 of 3 people found this review constructive.

KeeD

11 Years Ago

I like the suggestions and hope the author can take them into consideration and somehow work with th.. read more



Reviews

Excellent! Just EXCELLENT!

The layout is beautiful. The font style suited the message. The words that were used delivered the message and emotion they wanted. What else are you searching for?

It's mysterious. It's dark. It's creative.
This one is definitely one to look at.
Thank you!

Posted 11 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.

Rika

11 Years Ago

^^ thanks blade!
I love it. what wonderful words.^-^

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Rika

11 Years Ago

thanks!!!
GDM,

I like it a lot but I have a few ideas:

'A fragile delicate blue rose' seems like duplicate words. How about 'An esquisite blue rose' 0r 'An esquisite light blue rose' would do the job.

'Covered in a layer of frost' 'The petals fresh with dew' can't have frost and dew at the same time - unless the dew is melting.

Petals = plural; it (it's) = singular. need to rework this.

Suggestion: How about something like this?

An esquisite light blue rose
Covered with melting frost
It's petals now fresh with dew
Drip drops of sweet poison
For whomever's lips it touches
Now lie in death's cold thrall

Sorry for trying to write for you but it's the easiest way for me to show you what I'm thinking without writing an epistle about it.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 11 Years Ago


3 of 3 people found this review constructive.

KeeD

11 Years Ago

I like the suggestions and hope the author can take them into consideration and somehow work with th.. read more
A nice tale in the poem. I like the photo and the use of the blue rose to create a very good ending. I enjoyed the story in the excellent poem.
Coyote

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 11 Years Ago


Short but can say menu things the flower is dangerous and it's wet where it lies and death thrall well that was the clincher for me 100 great

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 11 Years Ago


Nice poem!

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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711 Views
17 Reviews
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Added on November 16, 2012
Last Updated on November 19, 2012
Tags: rose blue

Author

Rika
Rika

NC



About
The Rainbow Basin :245 by *emperpep on deviantART Hi! im Rika! , i write still I guess l im a trans girl! I'm add, so i loose track of time very easily I love anime and manga. I am becoming.. more..

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