Spiders

This poem is one of my first pieces. It pretty much compares my life how it was to how it is by using my childhood fears.

SPIDERS

 

WHEN I WAS YOUNG, I WAS AFRAID OF THE DARK

I'D CALL FOR MY MOTHER- "GARIT DON'T START"

I'D SEE DEMONS IN THE SHADOWS AND MONSTERS IN CORNERS

"IT'S 11 O'CLOCK, GO TO SLEEP!" O! IF SHE ONLY KNEW THE HORRORS I'D SEE

FACELESS PEOPLE WALKED MY HALLS,

AND NOBODY SAT AT MY BED, WHISPERING ME TO SLEEP

AS I LAID THERE, TREMBLING, TRYING TO COUNT SHEEP

WHEN I WAS YOUNG, I WAS AFRAID OF SPIDERS SO MUCH,

I'D PULL ALL NIGHTERS WITH MY MOMMY

BECAUSE SPIDERS LITTERED MY ROOM AND TRIED TO CRAWL ON ME

THEY WEAVED WEBS THAT CRADLED FLIES

AND THOSE FLIES WOULD PANIC AND STRIVE TO SURIVE

AND THOSE FLIES WOULD STRUGGLE AND STRUGGLE AND STRUGGLE

                                                                                                              AND STRUGGLE AND STRUGGLE

                                                                                                                                                          AND STRUGGLE

AND THOSE FLIES WOULD STRUGGLE TO STRUGGLE AS SPIDERS SANK IN THEIR TEETH

AND THEIR STRUGGLE WOULD SILENCE AS THEIR PANIC WOULD CEASE.

IT WAS QUITE SOMETIME BEFORE I FOUND COMFORT IN THE DARK

YOU SEE, THE LIGHT HURTS MY EYES AND MY FRIENDS GREW APART

NOW, SHADOWS ARE MY ONLY FRIENDS

AND WHEN I CAN'T SEE THE SPIDERS

THE MONSTERS TUCK ME IN.

AND WHEN I CAN'T SEE THE SPIDERS

THE MONSTERS SAVE ME FROM THEM!!

I AM A FLY IN THIS DARK SILK WEB

 

Author's Note

Let me know what you think and feel free to critisize and critique.

Reviews

[Sir Joe]

"I fear spiders."

That's the very thought of the poem. But you were able to deliver this thought in an extraordinary and poetic way. You didn't really tell us what the poetic persona fears. You actually showed us the scenarios and situations wherein your fear is o the rise.

The rhyme scheme is irregular but the rhyming of certain lines added a touch of poesy to the text. The images are visually vivid. You may also consider adding other kinds of images to you next poems like auditory images, gustatory images, olfactory images and tactile images.

Let me suggest a few things. You may or may not follow these suggestions:

1. Make the following lines a separate stanza for they altogether hold a single thought, a thought different from the lines above them.

WHEN I WAS YOUNG, I WAS AFRAID OF SPIDERS SO MUCH,
I'D PULL ALL NIGHTERS WITH MY MOMMY
BECAUSE SPIDERS LITTERED MY ROOM AND TRIED TO CRAWL ON ME
THEY WEAVED WEBS THAT CRADLED FLIES
AND THOSE FLIES WOULD PANIC AND STRIVE TO SURIVE
AND THOSE FLIES WOULD STRUGGLE AND STRUGGLE AND STRUGGLE
AND STRUGGLE AND STRUGGLE ' AND STRUGGLE

2. The lines below are my most favorite because of the rhyme and rhythm. However, I think it would be better if you removed the words "TO STRUGGLE" from the first line, making it:

AND THOSE FLIES WOULD STRUGGLE AS SPIDERS SANK IN THEIR TEETH
AND THEIR STRUGGLE WOULD SILENCE AS THEIR PANIC WOULD CEASE.

I think it sounds better this way. Anyway you've already emphasized a lot how the flies "STRUGGLED AND STRUGGLED"


How I like the way you ended your poem!
You've successfully connected the first part to the last stanza of the poem. You were able to present how the poetic persona (I always regard the poetic persona as someone not necessarily the same as the writer himself) considers the monsters as the lesser of the two evils (monsters and spiders) in his/her mind.
What saved him/her from the spiders were also what he/she fears -- the monsters, though less feared.

I actually have in mind a deeper interpretation, an allegorical one. But I guess an interpretation in the literal level, which I presented, does serve well. I even think that my interpretation is the same with the meaning you intend to convey.

I will not make this any longer. This work of yours is good!


P.S. I apologize for the lack of coherence of this review of mine. I am really just in a bit of a hurry to log out for I need to attend to some business. More power to you!


- joe

[A Poet Named Garit]

thank you for taking the time!
this is all actually one thought, i just added the spaces for something different to look at structurally but when recited it all comes out as one thought.
As for the extra "struggle", that sentence is meant to give a sense of feeling to the fly: as it loses it's sense of feeling, it's no longer struggling, rather, struggling to struggle- if you follow me hahaha, but i hear what you mean as far as rhythm goes
This poem is both a literal and figurtive piece, I tried to relate a situation(the web) that I was powerless over (being the fly), the catalyst(the spider that made the "dark silk web), and my thoughts(the monsters) to my childhood and current fears, but I like the fact that you could interpret it in your own way. I would very much like to hear it, out of curiosity.
Thank you for this review! I'll take your advice in future works for sure!

[Sir Joe]

No problem

[Sir Joe]

No problem, Garit. I'm always happy to review good poems. =)
I look forward to reading more of your nice pieces. =)

[LaVonneTheLovely]

Excerpts I really like:

1) "And those flies would struggle to struggle as..."
Because, to me, it implied that they were losing strength even to fight for their lives. Which is a powerful image.

2) the whole last seven lines
Because I love the shift there. It becomes so dark. A delightful, although depressing, twist!

[A Poet Named Garit]

YES! AH! YES! you totally captured that image of "struggle to struggle"! YES :] thank you so much!

[LaVonneTheLovely]

you're welcome! :D I loved it!