I am drained

I am drained.   I am worn.  I will close my eyes in the corner of my pain.  But I am not defeated.  Yes, they have exhausted me.  Yes, I have been bullied and picked on so many more times than I could count.  But I am still here.  I am still there, where I always have been.  They can’t take that.  They can’t take my hope, and they also can’t take my pain.  I hate it, but my pain is and always has been my burden.  My pain is and always has been squarely on me, and no one else.  I have always been forced to walk this long, winding, painful path alone, not taking a foot off it I any direction, not even to those who offer help.

 It isn’t that I don’t want their help.  I do.  It’s just…I don’t know how.   There.  There it is.  I don’t know how to be helped.  I am so damn broken; I am so far away from anyone normal now I don’t know how to go back to that.  No, no, no that isn’t true.  I never was there.  I have never had someone want to take my pain, even a tiny bit.  So it’s just…just that now, I wouldn’t know how to take it.  I wouldn’t know how to take help because when you don’t have something for so long you lose the memory of that, the thought of that.  So, now, I…I don’t have those memories anymore.  I don’t know what it feels like to not carry this whole burden.  And…and I don’t know who I would be.  If I didn’t have this burden on my shoulders, if I could learn how to help others take it…I don’t know who would be left.  I don’t know who I would be.  And it is scary.  As bad as it is, right now I KNOW who I am.  Right now, I am a 13 year old with asd and a weight almost as heavy as the sky Atlas held on my shoulders.  But if I wasn’t that, what would be left of me?  Would I still be the same person?  Even as bad as it gets, even in the worst moments, I would not trade the person I am from this for someone who hasn’t felt it.

  Call me insane all you want.   But I...I learn from this.  And yeah, I’m sure there are better ways to learn.  But this…I know it has helped me.  I know it has made me a better person because it has shown me what I could be if I don’t learn how to control my emotions.  I can’t think of anything better than that for motivation.  And I know it is making me a better writer because it has shown me to HOLD that emotion, as painful as it is, and put it here,  On a piece of paper, or, more often, online.  It has shown me how to use emotion to try and me able to HELP people not hurt them.  And it has told me, hey, you need to do this.  You need to help people so they don’t go through not having that.  And i…I am just glad it isn’t too late for me.  Maybe, someday soon, I might be able to learn how to lean on people.  Or maybe I won’t.  But no matter what happens, I know I can hold my burden.  It might cause me pain.  It might hurt more than any kid should have to go through, but I can hold it and that is thanks to the fact people turned their back on me.  By being cruel they have taught me.   Unintentionally they taught me how to fight for myself.  Unintentionally they have taught me how to lean on myself.  But they have taken so much.  They took my shot at anything resembling a close friend.  They took my shot at being able to lean on people.  But now…now I am fighting to get that back.

 I hold so much pain in on me I know it I know I shouldn’t but I can’t help myself because to tell someone my pain…to give them that burdon….it won’t help them it will hurt them.  If I even trusted a person enough for me to give them that knowledge of my pain I still wouldn’t.   I wouldn’t because that would mean that I was actually close enough to a person to trust them and I wouldn’t want to lose that.  I…I couldn’t lose that.  I don’t trust people easily.  There have been so many times I trusted someone only to have them turn on me and it break me into a thousand pieces.  So no, I won’t let people help me because this is MY journey.  This is MY pain and no one else should have to suffer because of it

.  I do not want other people to live with the burden I have because I…I am failing.  I am failing no matter how hard I try at being able to be “normal”.  I am failing at being able to block them out so at least I don’t feel so much pain but I can’t do it. I try as hard as I can but I can’t do it I can’t control my emotions and I can’t help myself. How do you think it feels to wake up, every day, and know I will not be able to help myself?  How do you think it feels to, every single day, know there is such a high chance someone will call me names, someone will “accidently” run into me, or someone will in some other way cause me pain.  It is one of the worst feelings in the world.  It is a thousand years of weight on my shoulders.  But my shoulders have learned to bare it.  My shoulders have learned to hold it and not let hit me as hard. 

The people around me don’t see that I’m in tears.  The people around me miss the pain in my voice and movements.  I get so stressed sometimes my hands will constantly moving my body’s desperate attempt to calm its self.  It doesn’t work it never does and it never will.  I wasn’t lying I can and will carry this burden alone for as long as I must but some days I just want to be a little kid being held by my mother, her arms and body around me.  That comfort, the warmth and just that presence of knowing someone cared, really cared, about me is what I miss more than anything else.  Well….not anything.  I miss that…that feeling…safe.