Shiloh

She whimpered, her tiny voice wavering as she quietly said my name. I held my finger to my lips, begging her to be completely and utterly silent. She nodded, wordlessly promising her cooperation. I looked into her adorable face, streaming with frightened tears, and an overwhelming sense of protection enveloped me. They would not find us.

I could hear them walking overhead. Heavy boots pacing the floorboards, back, forth, back again. Some quick, harsh words over some communication device, then silence, then more footsteps, the pattern was precise and repetitive, always the same. And there was me, me and my little friend huddled beneath the floor of what was once a home. As I looked upward to heaven for the billionth time, I still could barely tell how we got here. We were running, running from the shouting and the bullets and the shrapnel flying from their advanced artillery weapons. We evaded, hid, ran, over and over. Exhaustion taking over, near delirium, and then peace as we finally found here, this little private room hidden and safe. Safe. For now.

I told my small companion to dry her face and sleep, the bad guys would be gone when she woke up. That’s all I could hope for. No future seemed brightly eminent. And everything in the past remained so. I stayed tentatively and alertly in the very present, expecting the worst to happen. They could not find me. I was all that this slumbering little girl beside me had. They couldn’t find her. She was all that really made sense out of my suddenly hectic world. I had known this day was coming. For years I’ve known. But I never really expected it to come so soon. At least we were safe, for the most part.

I knew that my reasoning was out of proportion, we weren’t safe. I couldn’t help wishing I was still in my office crunching numbers instead of in this hole underneath a billion task force officers from The Guard.

Dust fell over our heads as an officer stepped right onto the door to our little hiding place. The hollow sound of his boot resonated. A pause filled the gap in sound. Suddenly the trap door flew open, illuminating our space with the artificial light of the officers' daytime generators. I felt a tug on my arm as they wrenched me and my companion out of our Hiding Place. And nothing iterated itself more fully to me than the fact that we were doomed. It was the end.

 

Author's Note

Very short spur of the moment story.. What do you think?

Reviews

[A.Lee]

This is really good. I would like to see you continue it. It leaves so many unanswered questions, which makes a great start to a story.

[Annie29]

I may be totoally lost but
Are these Holocaust victims?
'Hidind Place' just makes me think so.
I really want to know now.
....Great read by the way (:

[Christina May Shanaberg]

I loved this story. I loved that it was short and so visual. I loved the abrupt ending. Did I mention, I loved this story!

[Miss Coral]

AAAAh... why must you end it there? A great little snippet of what was a great story. I think that while more description could be used in general, the pace of the story didn't allow for what we would normally expect. It's supposed to be tense, and the color or smell of the wood and whatnot would only detract from it.
Very tense, and great job in relating the main characters right off of the bat. That's what makes a story.

Wonderful piece!

[ashley]

This is really good. Needs a little work, but really, not much. I think you could add a little more by using all five senses. What does it smell like where they are? Is it musty? How does it feel? Is it cramped? Are the main character's legs cramping? You got the vision and hearing down, but don't forget about smell and touch. And to add a little more, if you can add taste, do. Maybe the MC bites his lip hard to keep from screaming when the boot stops overhead and blood fills his mouth.
The more we feel, taste, hear, see, and smell, the more we feel like we are there. Just a thought. This is very good. :D

[the_stoic]

wish the story was a lil. longer ... nice write

[Gomer LePoet]

you had me with the first paragraph. I could envision this whole sequence completely. you ended it so abruptly though. I assume if were to continue to persue this story you would change this or add more for sure. Good job again my Friend.

[Ethan Paz]

Pretty good. Good description and I like how the character talk to his/herself. Though one thing you might want to edit is "communication device" which could be a phone maybe? If you were thinking of walky-talkie than keep communication device for that sounds more into the story. Keep up the stories. Ethan