A Poem by Jeremia

The biggest fight we all face is within ourselves. The lack of initiative to make things better, the lack of fight for what is right, is our biggest failure. Step up and assert yourself.


Forgetting that you have the power to

Assert yourself over defeated

Insidious evil that so often

Leaves us drained. Thus

Undermining our

Relying on things


© 2011 Jeremia

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I'm an economical kind of writer, so my critiques tend to be about tightening. This work is already tight, but for me, there's a couple of words that I believe aren't needed, or don't quite work.

In the second line, I would delete "the" in front of "defeated" so the line reads "Assert yourself over defeated" For me that's more powerful.

In the third line, I woulnd't use the word "insidious." It's a good word, but in this case limits the definition of evil to a single word, that being insidious. I think that you mean for evil to be more than that - something much more powerful, yet not quite as powerful as the eternal. For me, I think the line would be more powerful as, "Evil that so often"

In the fourth line, I think "Leave" should be "Leaves"

Nice work. Evocative.

Posted 12 Years Ago

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1 Review
Added on December 18, 2010
Last Updated on February 21, 2011
Tags: failure, fail, battle, fight, evil, eternal



St Cloud, MN

Well, my name is Jeremia. I honestly don't believe I have much skill in writing, but I find it entertaining when I am able to crank out a poem and/or story. So my desire is to write and then get feedb.. more..

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A Poem by Jeremia