Just stars

Just stars

A Poem by Gracie.M

To you, she is just a star, isn’t she?

Her eyes are bright and always sparkling.

Seemingly unmoving, she orbits you like a star orbits a galaxy;

She’s there for you when you need a friend, and answers to your every whim...

But you only notice her in your darkness;

It had never occurred to you that stars still shine during the day.

 

© 2013 Gracie.M


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Author's Note

Gracie.M
Feedback would be awesome, I want to know whether it flows or not?

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Featured Review

I'd rework the format a bit and also consider your audience. If you are writing solely for you, anything you write will have value. If you are writing for an audience, it is incumbent upon you to take them somewhere, to show them your world, to teach them to see with your eyes.

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Gracie.M

8 Years Ago

Thanks for the constructive criticism, I'll think more about the audience in the future. I've come f.. read more



Reviews

I'd rework the format a bit and also consider your audience. If you are writing solely for you, anything you write will have value. If you are writing for an audience, it is incumbent upon you to take them somewhere, to show them your world, to teach them to see with your eyes.

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Gracie.M

8 Years Ago

Thanks for the constructive criticism, I'll think more about the audience in the future. I've come f.. read more
It is sooooo profound....:-)

Posted 8 Years Ago


Gracie.M

8 Years Ago

:)
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gcp
Aww this is good. I like the message of it.

I think it flows very well - the lines of uneven length work well together to create rhythm.


The one word that stuck out for me was 'Seemingly'. I found that hard to flow neatly into the line - I'd be tempted just to remove it - since we know a star cannot orbit without moving, the 'seemingly' is already implied and not actually required?

Really liked this :)



Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

This comment has been deleted by the poster.
"she orbits you like a star obits a galaxy;" Your second 'orbits' is missing the 'r'
Anyway, this poem was beautiful and I really enjoyed it. I loved your comparison of a girl to the stars. That is always a beautiful comparison. Thank you for sharing this and I am glad I got to give it a read!


Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

This comment has been deleted by the poster.
Gracie.M

8 Years Ago

Oh! I didn't notice that, thanks for picking it up :) It's fixed now ;)
When I began reading, I thought it might be another run-of-the-mill poem about relationships, but then you sprang that message, and I said, "Wow". Indeed, there are stars whose brilliance goes unnoticed except under the most ideal conditions. A wise person will squint their eyes, look past all those that flaunt their light, and find the gem. This is very good, Gracie. I'm impressed.

Posted 8 Years Ago


Gracie.M

8 Years Ago

I've written a lot of cliched love poems in the past (when I was really love-sick growing up), and I.. read more
I thing you got the flow :) what a beautiful concept :) I am often that person you only see in the dark. But I like the light :)

Posted 8 Years Ago


Nice C: I noticed how you also shadowed a sort of darker thought in this; 'it had never occured to you that stars shine during the day.' That was good.
I would have liked it a bit longer, though!

Posted 8 Years Ago


Gracie.M

8 Years Ago

Originally I just wrote:
"To you, she is just a star, isn’t she?
You only notice her i.. read more
the poem moves just like her. It flows very well. Lucid style and exceptionally brilliant description. a great piece. what stirs me that calling her a star as stars are unreachable. and a hidden message as well that we should see to in our good times. Well done.

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Gracie.M

8 Years Ago

Thanks for the feedback :)

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Added on February 11, 2013
Last Updated on February 12, 2013

Author

Gracie.M
Gracie.M

Australia



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