Just stars

To you, she is just a star, isn’t she?

Her eyes are bright and always sparkling.

Seemingly unmoving, she orbits you like a star orbits a galaxy;

She’s there for you when you need a friend, and answers to your every whim...

But you only notice her in your darkness;

It had never occurred to you that stars still shine during the day.

 

Author's Note

Feedback would be awesome, I want to know whether it flows or not?

Reviews

[ChemicalMadness]

I'd rework the format a bit and also consider your audience. If you are writing solely for you, anything you write will have value. If you are writing for an audience, it is incumbent upon you to take them somewhere, to show them your world, to teach them to see with your eyes.

[Gracie.M]

Thanks for the constructive criticism, I'll think more about the audience in the future. I've come from writing mostly diary entries to writing poetry, so I often forget to consider the audience when I'm writing. Thanks for reminding me. :)

[Mary Christabel George]

It is sooooo profound....:-)

[Gracie.M]

:)

[gcp]

Aww this is good. I like the message of it.

I think it flows very well - the lines of uneven length work well together to create rhythm.


The one word that stuck out for me was 'Seemingly'. I found that hard to flow neatly into the line - I'd be tempted just to remove it - since we know a star cannot orbit without moving, the 'seemingly' is already implied and not actually required?

Really liked this :)

[CreativeStroke]

"she orbits you like a star obits a galaxy;" Your second 'orbits' is missing the 'r'
Anyway, this poem was beautiful and I really enjoyed it. I loved your comparison of a girl to the stars. That is always a beautiful comparison. Thank you for sharing this and I am glad I got to give it a read!

[Gracie.M]

Oh! I didn't notice that, thanks for picking it up :) It's fixed now ;)

[Samuel Dickens]

When I began reading, I thought it might be another run-of-the-mill poem about relationships, but then you sprang that message, and I said, "Wow". Indeed, there are stars whose brilliance goes unnoticed except under the most ideal conditions. A wise person will squint their eyes, look past all those that flaunt their light, and find the gem. This is very good, Gracie. I'm impressed.

[Gracie.M]

I've written a lot of cliched love poems in the past (when I was really love-sick growing up), and I really enjoyed writing something with a little more meaning, and I'm glad you enjoyed it too :)

[The Nude Writer]

I thing you got the flow :) what a beautiful concept :) I am often that person you only see in the dark. But I like the light :)

[littlewhitebird]

Nice C: I noticed how you also shadowed a sort of darker thought in this; 'it had never occured to you that stars shine during the day.' That was good.
I would have liked it a bit longer, though!

[Gracie.M]

Originally I just wrote:
"To you, she is just a star, isn’t she?
You only notice her in your darkness;
It had never occurred to you that stars still shine during the day."

But I thought I should put it into a bit of context.... I would've liked to be able to write more, but the only things I could think of were superflous or cliche. haha :P But I'm glad I left you wanting more :P

[critic h]

the poem moves just like her. It flows very well. Lucid style and exceptionally brilliant description. a great piece. what stirs me that calling her a star as stars are unreachable. and a hidden message as well that we should see to in our good times. Well done.

[Gracie.M]

Thanks for the feedback :)