Scent Of First Love

The rain started to drizzle.

Meanwhile she waits, with her heavy heart in her hands.

Wondering if he'll shatter it in to a million pieces or place it gently in his chest. 

She tells herself, being broken can lead to something magical.

She takes a deep breath, closes her eyes and goes back to her first scent of love. 

She can't help but smile sweetly at memories of them dancing beneath the moonlight. 

When all their troubles went away like a blow in the wind. 

And the galaxies in her eyes were far more beautiful than the stars in the night sky. 

She opens her eyes and sees him.  

Author's Note

Something short and simple. I really want to make this piece longer. Let me know what you think.

Reviews

[Chris]

Longer isn't always better - But, you could readily take this to another plain by deepening the commitment and giving further intimacy to the moment's building tension.

Grow your emotional intensity thoughtfully - let the words fit or at least enhance the mood.

[Donicca Dona L]

short but beautiful....
The rain started to drizzle.
Meanwhile she waits, with her heavy heart in her hands.
Wondering if he'll shatter it in to a million pieces or place it gently in his chest.
( I feel like this , especially if you haven't an answer about the way he may feel about you, I guess this is love it's never granted ...)
she opens her eyes and sees him... (because the only thing she can see is LOVE, wich is Him as symbol.

I Really enjoyed reading this

[Ana B.]

I admire the depth and emotion you manage to evoke in a few lines. Lovely done dear author :)

[MsJewel]

Your words are soft and romantic. I don't think it needs to be longer. I think it is lovely as is - and the graphic you chose to accompany your words is stunning :) Julie

[emmajoy]

'She can't help but smile sweetly at memories of them .. .. ' Such words truly wrap around thoughts perhaps laid dormant for a while!

There's an innocence to your poem that makes this reader smile> Now, am shaking my head, asking you to leave your poem as it is. Adding extra words would perhaps dilute the sweet anticipation and hope Only suggestion might be is.. ' She opens her eyes and sees him.. .. .. '

[Nigel Newman]

Gullia this is very nicely done. On balance I'd say leave it as it is. Two reasons
- Less is usually more
- You were in a particular 'place' when you wrote what you have so far, and my experience is it's very hard to get back to it. So I suspect that any new lines would actually risk the essence of what's there

I'm not very well qualified to comment on the sort of adolescent fantastic hopes you write of here. But I do like how you've done it. Like someone else, I think the galaxies line was especially nice.

Regards
Nigel

[andrew mitchell]

Ain't the magic and belief in love just grand, nicely written.

[Dave]

Smiling at her and taking her hand placing the other about her waist.
Her heart now light as a feather as they dance in their magical moonlight.

I like what you had written, I thought I'd give you a conclusion. Hope you don't mind - Dave

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Ah I wish I could believe that being broken can lead to something magical but sadly I can not ... I loved the 'galaxies in her eyes' expression you used. I do feel you can add in more. This was a lovely write. The pic kind of transported me.. Well penned, Gullia :)

[The earth (Titan maphah..]

right from the start to finish, I love your work... keep on writing