The Seventh Note

The Seventh Note

A Poem by GunMetal

Just a story.

She can hear the dischord in the rainfall,
I can see it on her skin,
as she sings to the ever changing time signature of the storm.

She rests on the seventh note
breathes the lightning in the air
and smiles like an electric legato
before continuing the song.

Somewhere, in the back of her mind
her muse is playing the piano.

She stops and looks at me.
She asks, “Why the sad face?”
I smile at this:
The look of love must look sad on me.

The thought passes but I keep smiling,
for her sake
so that she’ll keep singing.
I cherish these serene moments.
How rare they are.

But when her father comes home
the cadence breaks and she stops.
He’s the kind of person whose whole body seems to scowl.
My fingers trill clumsily.
The dead notes under my breath…
The look of hate must look like embarrassment on me.

She smiles again.
I don’t want to leave her alone
but I know it’s best if I do.
For my sake.

I’d rather not go home yet
so I just walk.
Following the telephone wires
like staff lines,
I let the rain drop rhythm on my shoulders,
but I’m not trying to keep time.
I’m not trying to do anything.
I just walk.

I make it to the lake
and decide that it’s a good place to rest a while.
I can’t help but think,
I must look sad out here,
and smile at this.
Somewhere in the back of my head
all that my muse wants to do
is talk about her.

I sat there
on the edge of the lake
for hours
and tried to hear the dischord in the rainfall,

but it just sounded like rainfall to me.

© 2012 GunMetal

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Overall I liked this poem. There are a good number of images that bring the right amount of attention to what you've written. I like how you tried to incorporate musical aspects into the poem. Those images are really concentrated to the beginning and end of the poem. We lose them in the middle section where the father comes home. Although I do see the intention of leaving them out, it's quite an abrupt shift because the images are so numerous in the sections before and after. It almost feels like the middle section doesn't even belong with this poem. This leads me to a very general suggestion that you might like to consider. There is a lot of cutting that could be done to this poem. To help your stronger images pop more and not get lost in a bunch of other ones. You have some dead lines that don't really do much, that stop the flow. They could be combined with following lines and it would be a smoother transition. With pruning some of the images, the shift when the father enters won't be such a shift. It will feel more natural and you will still have the parallel with the singing stopping/musical aspects stopping. I think that if you went back through this poem and did some serious editing, line by line, word by word in some cases, your strongest and most engaging images would stand out more and you'd have a more powerful poem. I think you have a good start here and with some work, it could really be a good poem.

Posted 11 Years Ago

1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


I believe that this is the sweetest poem/story I've ever read. Its completely what I believe in when I look at a couple, total opposites, attracted to one another. I like the guy most though.. because of the fact that he wants to protect her, and to be there for her, but he knows what is best, for him, and for her, and then he has the courage to do it. I like this very much. Keep writing.


Posted 11 Years Ago

This is really beautiful. It's a wonderful story.

Posted 11 Years Ago

Nicely written. I like that she hears it but he cant. A well told story in poem form.

Posted 11 Years Ago

This is so very beuatiful and wonderful.
I like this write alot. It's touching.

Posted 11 Years Ago

This is very touching and beautiful.
Thanks for sharing :)
~Calypso Firebutton

Posted 11 Years Ago

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I have seen that look a mirror, I think

Posted 11 Years Ago pours like rain drops from your words and a sad sun...russet and very sad...and rain and sun together make a rainbow,,so many colours here...

Posted 11 Years Ago

i like this one very much

Posted 11 Years Ago

Excellent poem friend! Really great flow to this piece, like it! xx

Posted 11 Years Ago

Creates a setting and deep internal emotion out of thin air. Bravo

Posted 11 Years Ago

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48 Reviews
Shelved in 4 Libraries
Added on April 2, 2010
Last Updated on August 27, 2012



Wish You Were Here, Alta Loma, CA

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