The Seventh Note

The Seventh Note

A Poem by GunMetal
"

Just a story.

"
She can hear the dischord in the rainfall,
I can see it on her skin,
as she sings to the ever changing time signature of the storm.

She rests on the seventh note
breathes the lightning in the air
and smiles like an electric legato
before continuing the song.

Somewhere, in the back of her mind
her muse is playing the piano.

She stops and looks at me.
She asks, “Why the sad face?”
I smile at this:
The look of love must look sad on me.

The thought passes but I keep smiling,
mezzo-piano,
for her sake
so that she’ll keep singing.
I cherish these serene moments.
How rare they are.

But when her father comes home
the cadence breaks and she stops.
He’s the kind of person whose whole body seems to scowl.
My fingers trill clumsily.
The dead notes under my breath…
The look of hate must look like embarrassment on me.

She smiles again.
I don’t want to leave her alone
but I know it’s best if I do.
For my sake.

I’d rather not go home yet
so I just walk.
Anywhere.
Following the telephone wires
like staff lines,
I let the rain drop rhythm on my shoulders,
but I’m not trying to keep time.
I’m not trying to do anything.
I just walk.

I make it to the lake
and decide that it’s a good place to rest a while.
I can’t help but think,
I must look sad out here,
and smile at this.
Somewhere in the back of my head
all that my muse wants to do
is talk about her.

I sat there
on the edge of the lake
for hours
and tried to hear the dischord in the rainfall,

but it just sounded like rainfall to me.

© 2012 GunMetal


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Overall I liked this poem. There are a good number of images that bring the right amount of attention to what you've written. I like how you tried to incorporate musical aspects into the poem. Those images are really concentrated to the beginning and end of the poem. We lose them in the middle section where the father comes home. Although I do see the intention of leaving them out, it's quite an abrupt shift because the images are so numerous in the sections before and after. It almost feels like the middle section doesn't even belong with this poem. This leads me to a very general suggestion that you might like to consider. There is a lot of cutting that could be done to this poem. To help your stronger images pop more and not get lost in a bunch of other ones. You have some dead lines that don't really do much, that stop the flow. They could be combined with following lines and it would be a smoother transition. With pruning some of the images, the shift when the father enters won't be such a shift. It will feel more natural and you will still have the parallel with the singing stopping/musical aspects stopping. I think that if you went back through this poem and did some serious editing, line by line, word by word in some cases, your strongest and most engaging images would stand out more and you'd have a more powerful poem. I think you have a good start here and with some work, it could really be a good poem.

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

This poem has a taste of class that I find lacking in other poets here on Writerscafe (are you sure you're supposed to be here). A job well done, I must say. My only lament is the fact I cannot find a way to help you improve this poem (don't let it go to your head).

Posted 11 Years Ago


First, let me commend you on a wonderful title..that alone is almost a poem..

this piece touched me.It flowed so smooth from sadness,love, notes from afar..
Truly a beautiful piece..

Posted 11 Years Ago


Lovely. Well done.

Posted 11 Years Ago


I really like this poem! Its well written, flows nice and easily. I like the fact that she can hear it but you can't... It's not musical rain, its the person. I agree with Constance, I like how you let the emotions be misinterpreted instead of instantly understood by the other person. Beautiful write.

Posted 11 Years Ago


Love appearing to be sadness, hate appearing to be embarrassment... I love these ideas, for people often confuse my emotions thanks to my eyes. I hate being asked if I'm sad all the time, so I've learned to fake a smile in places like work so that other women will stop trying to pull gossip from me. I also have a him that all my muse wants to do is talk about him, so I can surely identify there. :)
I like your work, and I'm glad you share.

Posted 11 Years Ago


I love this poem I love the feelings expressed here!!!! these are the best writings to me that come from the heart!!!1

Posted 11 Years Ago


I like this, because I can feel you clearly. It's beautiful, because I know what it's like to be seen as an outsider. I also know what it feels like not wanting to go home. But it just sounded like rain to me is the perfect ending, because why put a happy ending to something that doesn't have a happy ending. Beautifully written and very profoundly felt!!!

Posted 11 Years Ago


man this is touching and sweet work. simply awesome and please keep this up

Posted 11 Years Ago



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Added on April 2, 2010
Last Updated on August 27, 2012

Author

GunMetal
GunMetal

Wish You Were Here, Alta Loma, CA



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