The Girl I Wish To Be

The Girl I Wish To Be

A Poem by H.E Watson
"

A short poem about internal struggle in a modern, yet less understanding world.

"

I lie in my bed late every night,

Think of the things I could do at first light.

Dream of the girl who is happy and free,

She is the girl I wish to be.

 

Her confidence grows with every smile,

Who never has to think my thoughts which are vile.

I see her dancing at the most exclusive club,

Not dragging her father back from the pub.

She travels and goes to the places I always wished to see

She is the girl I wish to be.

 

The girl who walks into a shop and gets anything for less,

Instead of my never ending mountain of stress.

She will never cry herself to sleep,

Instead she’ll smile, laugh but never weep.

I stand and my depression ways me down by a tonne,

All her hopes and dreams have been achieved and done.

There will be no worrying no matter how big the fee,

She is the girl I wish to be.

 

I lie in my bed late every night,

Think of the things I could do at first light.

Dream of the girl who is happy and free,

She is the girl I wish to be.

© 2020 H.E Watson


Author's Note

H.E Watson
Please give feedback on this rough draft I found in my old laptop around 2 years ago.

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Featured Review

The best part of this poem:
"I see her dancing at the most exclusive club,
Not dragging her father back from the pub."

There are some lines in your poem that come close, but this is the place where you present the most well-defined contrast between what one wishes to be & what really is. Specifics make every piece of writing more relatable & memorable. In places, you write of "depression" as a general thing, but it would be more powerful to use more specifics to contrast "reality" with "dreamworld" -- and also, to put the two worlds side by side, hammering all the ways these two worlds contrast. This is a strong poem with relatable message & a great premise in the title line, repeated thru-out. But I just feel it could be even stronger & tighter if we could see & feel & know this "mountain of stress" . . . show us the specifics, don't stay in generalities like smiles & tears . . . paint word pictures of how this goes (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

Posted 2 Weeks Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

H.E Watson

2 Weeks Ago

Thank you so much for the feedback! I am very new to writing poems, so have this advice is extremely.. read more



Reviews

Despite all evidence to the contrary, you are that girl now. Keep reminding yourself of that.

Posted 1 Week Ago


Welcome to the Cafe' H.E. .... my Great Grand Da went to America from County Donegal ;) i have been writing poetry for a while now ... i took a few on line classes (called MOOCs) that are free and offered from time to time from the University of Iowa ... https://iwp.uiowa.edu/iwp-courses/distance-learning-courses/moocs .. if you care to check it out and get on their e-mail list ..sadly no MOOC is offered this year but past courses are available for free also.
i like the two worlds .. took me a bit to catch on to who is who but once i kept that clear your theme came through loud and strong ..the line by line back and forth is so tragic ... i feel her disappointments, frustrations and anger ... you almost push this passed a "sound mind" as she has created her "safe, happy, successful other self" ... is the form one you made up or is it a classic form? .. a couple typos V2 L1 "confidant" should be confidence ... and V3 L5 "....weighs me done" should be weighs me down me thinks ;) i like the idea of this one .. i like that you have given it a strong platform in rhyme ... i like the repetition in the opening and closing ... i feel for this person .. stuck in a difficult place in life .. wanting and dreaming of more ... our home life and setting makes such a huge difference in lives ..but it never has to keep us from our dreams ... ever ... nice to meet you!
E.

Posted 1 Week Ago


H.E Watson

1 Week Ago

Thank you so much for your kind words! Donegal is a beautiful place im down there often. Thank you f.. read more
Einstein Noodle

1 Week Ago

;) nice to meet you! peace and joy!
Responsibility and dreams, family and ties.
God, how they hold you back.
In saying that, someday it will be your turn to shine.
So hold onto those dreams, better still, get them down on paper for this will be the blueprint to your future.

Posted 2 Weeks Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

H.E Watson

1 Week Ago

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement.
I like the poem and the wishes and tho' I'm a male I'd like most everything you mention except for the lying awake in bed at night which I do too much of already
Enjoy your writing

Posted 2 Weeks Ago


H.E Watson

2 Weeks Ago

Thank you for your response, and taking the time to comment!
The best part of this poem:
"I see her dancing at the most exclusive club,
Not dragging her father back from the pub."

There are some lines in your poem that come close, but this is the place where you present the most well-defined contrast between what one wishes to be & what really is. Specifics make every piece of writing more relatable & memorable. In places, you write of "depression" as a general thing, but it would be more powerful to use more specifics to contrast "reality" with "dreamworld" -- and also, to put the two worlds side by side, hammering all the ways these two worlds contrast. This is a strong poem with relatable message & a great premise in the title line, repeated thru-out. But I just feel it could be even stronger & tighter if we could see & feel & know this "mountain of stress" . . . show us the specifics, don't stay in generalities like smiles & tears . . . paint word pictures of how this goes (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

Posted 2 Weeks Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

H.E Watson

2 Weeks Ago

Thank you so much for the feedback! I am very new to writing poems, so have this advice is extremely.. read more

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Added on March 24, 2020
Last Updated on March 24, 2020
Tags: #innerstruggles #lookwithin #dee

Author

H.E Watson
H.E Watson

Northern Ireland , United Kingdom



About
I have a passion for writing, but I am new to the writing scene, so any constructive feedback is welcome and appreciated! more..

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