The Harm

I get told so often that I'm stupid for not believing that I'm worth it. I feel it should be explained why I think so.

It started one day when I felt like heaven.

For just a bit, I felt like everyone loved me; nothing could go wrong,

I was the king of the world,

And it would all last forever.

 

But it was a lie;

A dangerous lie that hurt so much when broken

That it couldn’t be believed again.

So I brought myself back down.

 

I put up a wall to keep myself there.

But the world is growing under it

And it gets harder and harder to keep it there,

So the wall needs to be taller.

 

And soon, anything, no matter how infinitesimal

That threatens the structure only builds it up.

And “you’re beautiful”, “you’re loved”, “you’re worth it”;

Just melts away when it touches the cement.

 

But they keep coming;

Firing at my dungeon like cannonballs,

Threatening to thrust me out into the world

Where I don’t know where I am or how to get back.

 

“I’m not beautiful” turns into “I’m a monster”;

“I’m not worth it” turns into “I’m a waste of life”.

One day, words aren’t enough,

And so it takes more.

 

It starts out as the lesser of two evils;

The pain is leagues better than accepting what I’m not.

The more it hurts,

The more I know that stopping will hurt more.

 

Finally, the wall has gotten so high

That I can’t see myself in it

And I’m nothing

But a shredded, bloody carcass.

 

 And by then,

What’s the point?

 

Author's Note

Photo by Kierra Alexandra: @pxsitive._.thxughts
By Hien Van Nguyen III: @reeling_and_writhing

Reviews

[Paul Bell]

You portray this so well.
The ups and downs.
The downs and ups.
Nobody ever tells you to get out there and fail.
Yet we do it most of the time without thinking.
Mountain life climbing is a slow process. But worth the challenge.

[Reeling and Writhing]

Thank you so much!