My final goodbye

My final goodbye

A Poem by Hana Linzi

That pointy knife, 
feels just about right at this moment. 
my throat hurts too much from crying, 
and my heart hurts to much, as I do not want to feel. 
As I may show that everything is alright with that fake smile,
I am falling to pieces.
Standing on shards of broken glass, 
stabbing into my feet, stabbing at my tendons making it hard to walk. 
I begin to cry. 
Every morning, a smile is painted on my face, 
letting everyone believe that I am alright, 
That I have nothing to worry about, 
That my life is perfect. 
Although once I am alone, 
As the tears start falling, 
the smile starts to drip off my face.
nightly I pray that God would answer my prayers. 
They are simple request, quite frankly, 
I want to be... 
I just want to be alright, 
To have someone to call at 2 am and be told that everything will be alright. 
To feel special, to feel important.
Although I silently cry alone, because there's no one to pick me up. 
I just want to feel like I matter.
I want to feel special, 
That my body isn't full of flaws. 
As I can list a hundred flaws:
I am not skinny, 
And I don't have the perfect body,
I dont have the right curves, 
I don't have a pretty face, 
My smile cannot light up an hour, let alone a trillion days,
my smile is a bit crooked, 
my lips are manly, 
my nose is shaped weird. 
My eyes always have bags under them. 
My Eyebrows are bushy, 
My hair isn't luscious,
And my  hairline is weird looking. 
I may have big b***s, 
but they are not perky, 
and they aren't the same size. 
my butt isn't pleasing, 
and it doesn't have the shape that it is to hold. 
My legs are gross, 
and my toes look like the toes of the Flintstones. 
my fingernails aren't long, 
My hands are small, 
and everyone laughs at my pinkies.
for they are smaller than an average persons.
My voice is hideous, 
and so Isn't my laugh. 
As no guy can look me in the eye and fall in love with me. 
There is the start of all the flaws that are within me, 
As I am reminded of them everyday when I wake up, 
Every time that I look at myself in the mirror. 
As I even have flaws within in, 
I get jealous, 
I am not smart, 
I get emotional, 
and I tend to overreact about everything, 
I always take everything literal, 
and i don't have the confidence like every other girl.
I tend to get nervous when I talk, 
which tends to mess everything up.
My heart tends to be confused, 
which leads me to too many broken hearts. 
As I know these because I deal with these daily, 
As I am yelled and and told that I am never good enough. 
As I sit by myself, 
Facing my battles alone, 
The tears falling down like rain. 
I want to feel okay, 
Like I matter, like I am important. 
I wanna feel like im not just a big ball of flaws, 
that I make everyone happy. 
As I know ill never be anything close to perfect, 
Like I am the problem in everyone's lives.
I know the perfect solution.
I pick up the knife.
Making those red marks on my arms, 
that no longer is good enough.  
It is time.
I push it straight through my heart
with all the force I have.
For whoever is reading this, 
I am no longer suffering, 
And everything will be alright.
there's no more tears falling off my face 
Although, Im sorry as well. 
Im sorry that this was the very last goodbye. 

© 2016 Hana Linzi


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Added on March 5, 2016
Last Updated on March 5, 2016